Weight Expectations

Over the past several months, a few people have asked me if I'm expecting because I'm heavier than I used to be. When I tell them I'm not, instead of an apology, I get something akin to "It's too bad all the weight you gained went straight to your stomach." Naturally, hearing something like this makes me very upset. What would be the best response the next time I get asked this very thoughtless question?
D.S. in Peabody

Are we alone? Good. OK, so the next time someone says your weight has all gone to your stomach, tell them you'd prefer that than to have all your fat go to your head, as is their own sorry condition. Whoops, here come the others. . . .

(Cough.) Well, D.S., a snarky response may give you temporary relief, but snappy comebacks are never the solution. I'm sorry that people are trying to deal with their original gaffes by blaming you for your weight-gain pattern. (Didn't you think that people might think you were pregnant? How inconsiderate of you to mislead them in that way!) Some people who persist in the weight talk may be right nasty folk. Others might have just realized the awful faux pas they made and are haplessly digging themselves in deeper. If you think that the person who just insulted you is generally well-meaning, the kindest thing to do would be to roll your eyes and say, "Whatever. Can we change the topic?" If you feel like making them squirm a bit, I recommend asking some pertinent questions, like, I'm curious. Do you think that was an appropriate comment to make to me? Do people usually respond well when you discuss their weight?" The key is to ask this with genuine, dispassionate curiosity, not sarcastically. People tend to wilt when their bad behavior is presented to them, calmly and objectively, on a platter.

An out-of-town cousin visited my husband and me while on a business trip. She was our guest at a restaurant, and after my husband paid for the meal, she slyly took the receipt off the table and pocketed it. Obviously, she was looking to use it as a business expense for a tax write-off. Appalled by this lack of class, I stayed silent. My husband thinks we should have asked her to return the receipt. What if she had asked first? Should we have given it to her?
J.A. in Jamaica Plain

Had she asked for the receipt, you should have asked why and not given it to her if she was going to use it as an inappropriate deduction. Since she didn't, I can't criticize you for remaining silent. Yes, letting her take the receipt unchallenged makes you a passive participant in her wrongdoing. But, really now, we let people get away with awful things all the time because we are, in your neat phrase, "appalled by [their] lack of class." Stunned, our reflexes fail to kick in. Sneaky Sue and Pernicious Pete commit their little malefactions and glide on, while we stand there making fish movements with our mouths and thinking, "Hey! Wait!" So don't be too hard on yourself.

Anyway, asking her to return the receipt wouldn't have helped her ethics and might have harmed your relationship. Just be quicker to snatch receipts that are legitimately yours from now on.

While having lunch at our favorite restaurant, friends or acquaintances will often stop at our table to chat. Is it rude if we eat while they are talking? Should we wait to eat until they leave?
C.P. in Cambridge

Do wait. Eating while your friends stand there is awkward. It's bad enough that the servers always ask you questions while your mouth is full. Why create the opportunity for more people to do so? It also implies that food is more important than conversation, which is an impression one ought never give at the dinner table. If the conversation shows no signs of ending, and the food is congealing to the plate, invite your friends to join you. Chances are they won't - but if they do, you can at least reunite with your poached salmon.

I am a gay man who has been married to my partner of seven years for a little more than a year. My parents are always wonderful and accepting of both of us. My problem is that whenever my mother introduces us, she uses the phrase "my son and his friend." This hurts our feelings because we are no longer just friends; we are married. I have a family reunion coming up with dozens of people whom I haven't seen in 10 to 15 years. I know at some point my mother will refer to us as "friends." How do I handle this?
D.M. in Boston

D.M., D.M., the answer is right there in the question. When she says, "This is my son's friend," smile and say, "Actually, we're not friends anymore - we're married." You'll be the hit of the reunion.

My Word!

In summer, fashion choices become a matter of etiquette as well as aesthetics. Soaring temperatures are no excuse to abandon dignity or consideration for others. In all climates, there are aspects of the self that ought not be exposed to the public eye. Take a good look in the mirror (from several angles) before you go out to make sure you're not revealing any of yours.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

advice Read Miss Conduct's blog at boston.com/missconduct. Also, chat with her at boston.com every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m.