'No Gifts' Is No Joke
Why you should follow invitations to a T, plus missed condolences and feuding party guests.
How do you respond to a children's birthday invitation that asks that, in lieu of gifts, you make a donation to a specific charity? This practice seems to happen more frequently these days. I never know what to do, since it always seems as if many guests still bring a gift despite the invitation's request.
A.E. in Boston
"No gifts" requests should always be honored, especially when made by parents. Parents who make this request are either drowning in kid gear and need a break, or else they are trying to teach their children not to be greedy and to appreciate the glow that comes from helping others. These parents aren't going to be wondering why you are the only guest who couldn't figure out their coy code in which "No gifts" means "Booty, please!" Instead, they'll be delighted that you are respecting their values and needs and will wish that other guests were more like you.
My mother passed away last June. I've been having a hard time getting over the fact that my son's girlfriend of almost three years did not send a sympathy card or otherwise acknowledge my mother's passing to me. They live out of state, and I have visited with her about five times, so we don't know each other that well. I have not mentioned it to my son, although I feel I should. I don't want this to come between us. Should I say something to him or to her?
C.A. in Gloucester
If you must speak to anyone, speak to the woman herself; talking to your son implies that he is responsible for her behavior, which is not a good precedent to set or message to send, especially if she someday becomes more than a girlfriend.
But spend some time thinking through why, exactly, you are upset before you say anything. I don't believe your son's girlfriend did anything terribly wrong. You have met five times in three years, and it sounds as though she had never met your mother. She probably assumed that your son's condolences were meant to include her own as well, which, given the circumstances, is a reasonable assumption. Are you hurt because you thought you were closer to her than that? If so, then take steps to create a stronger relationship. This may or may not involve mentioning the condolence issue. If it does, make sure that what you say nourishes the relationship rather than damages it – as would be the case if she winds up thinking of you as someone with fragile feelings around whom she must walk on eggshells.
Last year you advised a woman on how to handle inviting feuding mothers to her son's birthday party. You suggested she invite both but notify each mother that the other was invited as well. I have a problem along the same lines: Two years ago, I shared an apartment with an engaged couple and threw a party one night. My female roommate didn't feel well and went to bed early, and my male roommate stayed up late, got drunk, and, after I went to bed, slept with a friend of mine who was staying over (my friend says she thought he was available). At 7 a.m., my roommate discovered her fiance passed out in bed with my friend. All hell broke loose, and I felt caught in the middle. My roommates eventually got back together and are now married, and I maintained my friendship with all parties but never mentioned their names to the other again. Now I'm planning my wedding – do I follow your earlier advice, invite all, and bring up a night better left forgotten, or do I need to choose someone to invite and someone not to invite?
K.K. in Waltham
Although the stakes are higher, I think the same basic logic applies – wedding cake or birthday cake, champagne or sippy cups. You committed no offense against any of the parties, and there is no reason that you should, now, have to choose between friends that you would like to have at your wedding.
But "shoulds" only get you so far, don't they? Good event planning is all about minimizing unpleasant surprises, and you don't want to be walking down the aisle worrying about what might happen when the triangle converges at the reception. So let all three people know that the others are invited and that if they are not comfortable (or don't think they could comport themselves with aplomb), you won't take offense if they decline. You might also want to assign some diplomatic friends to keep a special eye on the situation, if there's a way to do so without providing salacious details.
If it still seems too high risk and you must choose between them, I think you should invite your single friend, not the couple. It was the man who behaved most badly. There's no reason to disbelieve your friend when she says she thought he was available. Even if she had known he was attached, his behavior would still have been worse: It's a greater wrong to cheat on someone than to cheat with someone.
My Word
What retired people wished everyone else knew: There are many ways to fill one's time meaningfully besides with paid work. In the words of happily retired reader Elizabeth Ingersoll, "There are times when being and not doing is enough. These are the moments I am learning to treasure most." So don't ask "What do you do all day?" with a note of pity in your voice – ask it to learn something about the wisdom of being.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 