Don't Snub Stepchildren

My mother has three grandchildren: my two daughters and my brother's stepdaughter. She's told me that since the stepdaughter is not a "real” grandchild, she doesn't think she should give her as many presents as my two children. It's very awkward when this girl gets one or two presents for her birthday while my children get at least a dozen each. My brother and sister-in-law think their daughter should be treated like my two daughters; I agree, but I'm reluctant to tell my mother how to spend her own money. She told me she would go along with your advice, whatever it is.

D.S. in Peabody

Of course she should treat all three grandchildren the same! I think her behavior has been appalling and that she owes your brother, his wife, and their daughter an apology. I can just barely imagine a situation where treating a stepchild as unequal might be acceptable: if, say, the girl were already in her teens, identified herself primarily as a member of another family, and thought of your family along the lines of kindly, supportive acquaintances. But it doesn't sound as though this is the case here, and no child should be a second-class member of her own family.

I am glad your mother is willing to rethink her behavior. If she does not change her gift policy, however, I think you should stop participating in the unfairness. You can't tell your mother how to spend her own money, but you can tell your daughters that they are not allowed to accept a dozen presents if their cousin only gets one. Allow them to choose their favorite and return the remainders to your mother, or donate them to charity.

I'm in high school, and one of my best friends has been ignoring me for a month. I know what could have triggered her being mad at me, but I don't know what to do. I have left messages on her answering machine and with her mother, e-mailed her, posted on livejournal.com to her, and sent her letters in the mail. She has sent me a couple of e-mails to tell me that's she's "thinking” and "not ignoring” me. But I feel ignored. I'd like to apologize for whatever I did, but I think that she is also in the wrong because she won't communicate with me. I feel really lonely and hurt. What can I do?
Anonymous in Boston

Aw, honey. My heart bleeds for you, it really does. These situations are awful, and we all face them sooner or later. Your persistence and sophisticated use of communication technology are admirable, but ultimately you can't keep hounding your friend. It's up to her whether to forgive you; you can't force her back into the relationship. And you can't keep torturing yourself and wondering what more you can do to make things right.

Jewish tradition teaches that if you offend another person, you apologize to them three times. If they don't forgive you after that, it's on their head, not yours. I think this is a sensible practice, and although you've probably exceeded three apologies several times over, you can still adopt the attitude. Send your friend one final e-mail letting her know that you are sorry, you love and value her, and that you will now cease contact and leave the next step to her. Then your conscience, if not your heart, can rest easy for a while. And your friend can examine her feelings in her own time, without pressure – and without the temptation to keep you dangling on the hook, begging.

My wedding was two years ago, and while my spouse and I got most of our thank you notes out for the gifts we received, we have some that we still have not sent. It's been so long that it feels silly to send a note now. Should we still send the notes, and, if so, should we reference our obvious failure to be more prompt?
D.L. in Boston

Yes, you should still send the notes. Just because you've been a procrastinating slacker for two years doesn't mean you should be an ingrate on top of it. If it feels silly to send two-year-old notes, well, that's a problem for you, not your friends and relatives. However, since it's been two years, a bit of excuse making is in order. I can think, offhand, of two ways you might handle this. First, you could lie. Date the notes for, say, 18 months ago and include a second note in which you sheepishly announce that you just found these notes under a pile of paid bills (or in a suit pocket, or the egg compartment of your refrigerator, or wherever). Forgetting to mail a thank you note isn't as mortal a sin as neglecting to write one in the first place.

The second way would be to buy several more copies of today's paper. (This is the option my editor likes best.) Cut out this column and enclose it in a note saying, "This is us, and we feel really bad. But we like you too much to lie to you like Miss Conduct suggested. So please accept our honest apologies, and thank you so much for the . . ."

My Word
What adoptive and foster parents wish everyone knew: “Strangers do not have the right to ask deeply personal questions about our children simply because they may not look like us. It is one thing when the children are babies, as only parental feelings are hurt, but with older children, there are deeper consequences.” Thanks to reader Charity Bell for this wonderful perspective.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.