The Tao of the Tiny Tip

My husband and I recently had breakfast at a casual restaurant, and our waiter was absolutely terrible. I wanted to skip the tip and write the waiter a note telling him specifically why I did not feel he deserved one. My husband was mortified at this idea and instead gave the waiter a very small tip. I feel my actions would have been more productive. What should we have done in this situation?
L.G. in Waltham

Your idea was better, but you have to live with your husband, not the waiter. "Do not mortify thy spouse" is one of the first commandments of marital harmony. ("Do not be easily mortified by thy spouse and use thy alleged mortification as an excuse to control thy spouse's every word and deed" is another one. Your husband doesn't sound like that type, though; he just doesn't want to play career coach to a sub-par server.) If you can't get him on board with your creative approach in the future, the small tip is the way to go. Leaving no tip at all indicates not that the service was bad, but that the diners were absent-minded or unforgivably cheap. And do be sure that the service was truly awful and that the mishaps were things that are under the server's control before you decide to tiny-tip.

I've made it very clear to a born-again co-worker that I'm not religious, but she persists in telling me "I'm praying for you" any time she hears I'm having a problem. I've told her several times that I don't believe in it, and it's her business if she wants to do it, but I don't need to hear about it. She said it to me today again, and I just ignored her, but it still rankles. On the list of disrespectful behaviors, I suppose it isn't the worst thing, but I do wish she'd stop! Any advice?
M.R. in Jamaica Plain

Get over it. If you don't believe in prayer, what's it hurting you? Saying "I'll pray for the salvation of your hell-bound heathen soul" is one (seriously inappropriate) thing. Saying "I'll pray for your sprained ankle to get better soon" is another. Your co-worker is showing her concern in a way that is meaningful to her and harmless to you.

Most nonreligious people reject religion because they believe it to be superstitious and intolerant. But what is more superstitious than thinking that you are somehow affected by prayers to a deity you don't even believe in? And what is more intolerant than wanting to curb an innocuous expression of concern merely because it doesn't cohere with your personal worldview? Be a better, more gracious advertisement for secularism. (Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are doing the cause enough damage.) Tell your co-worker that while your philosophies may differ, you appreciate that she takes the time and emotional energy to remember you in her prayers.

I have a great friend who every once in a while pops out a comment that seems so inappropriate, I'm forced to stand there stunned or smile with raised eyebrows. "I'm not sure if I like your dress or not" was the latest one. If I had asked for her opinion, that would have been OK, but I did not. I know I'm not the only one who has noticed this behavior of hers. How do I prepare for the next rude comment so I'm not forced to strangle her? And how did she survive all these years without someone saying, "If you don't have anything nice to say . . ."?
M.S. in Marlborough

The nice thing about these socially inappropriate folks is that, often, they can take it as well as dish it out. How would your friend have responded if, after she said, "I'm not sure if I like your dress or not," you had laughed and said, "I'm not sure if I give a damn or not"? Or, cheerfully but directly, "Wow, that's incredibly rude. It's not like I asked. Anyway, what do you think of the new season of Dexter?"

The only thing you really can do with friends like this is to disengage emotionally and learn to appreciate the comedy value in their behavior. You're not going to be able to change her. It's possible to make a direct, specific request of a friend, such as "Can you please not talk on your cellphone when we're together?" and get somewhere with it. But it's much harder to say, "Can you stop saying things like that?" because almost by definition, the socially clueless won't be able to identify what "things like that" are. So don't make yourself quite so vulnerable to her. Give it back, laugh in her face, or just ignore her comments and move on. If she has seriously hurt your feelings in the past - as opposed to just annoying you or bruising your ego a bit - then learn what kinds of information and feelings you can share with her and which you can't. By way of analogy, imagine if you had a friend who was disastrously accident-prone - you would still love him, but you wouldn't ask him to join you for salsa lessons or to carve the Thanksgiving turkey.

My Word!

If you're one of those floor-preserving people who ask guests to remove their shoes, for the sake of your guests, please notify them in advance and provide clean socks at the door. There are few things more uncomfortable than having to walk around in holey socks or bare feet that aren't quite groomed to company standards. (Thanks to the anonymous reader who suggested this tip! Got a good idea of your own? Send it to missconduct@globe.com.)

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.