When Guests (and Food) Go Missing
Invitees who fail to show, plus bad wedding manners and hair-combing at the bar.
At the parties I've hosted recently, a handful of people, despite telling me they'll attend, just don't show up. Sometimes the would-be guests had generously offered to bring a dish, and I'm left improvising. It seems reasonable to me that you should let the host know, even if it's last minute, if you can't attend. Is a quick call, voice mail, or e-mail too much to ask?
M.W. in Arlington
If people can't make it to something they said they were going to make it to, they should let the host know. How this is best done depends on the type of party it is. If it's a dinner party for six, call. If it's a big, loose-limbed, shaggy affair, send an e-mail; a missing guest won't be noticed in the general hubbub, and the party giver will undoubtedly be too busy with the preparations and/or guests who are there to want to deal with a phone call from an absentee. It's only the day after that you'll find yourself musing, "Hey, the Thompsons never showed. I hope they're OK." And, of course, if guests have promised to bring something, they should let the hosts know ASAP that not only will the Thompsons be missing, but so will the brisket. (And if the Thompsons knew that there was a chance they couldn't make it, they shouldn't have offered to bring the brisket in the first place.)
Now that you know your friends are unreliable, M.W., stop relying on them. Their behavior is rude, but if you get caught in that "But now what do I do about the brisket?!" trap more than once, it's your own fault. Stick to asking people to bring extras, not dishes important enough that their absence will leave you scrambling.
My husband and I were invited to the wedding of a couple we don't know all that well, but we were touched that they wished to include us. The couple is really just starting out financially, so their wedding is meager and the invitation gave the amount per person (not large) that the dinner will cost us. Unusual, yes, but that's OK. What amount should we spend on the gift? I've always used the rule of thumb that the amount of the gift should be roughly what the couple has spent on me to attend the event, but that doesn't help in this case.
F.W. in Arlington
Noooo. There are all kinds of wrongness here, and my head is hurting. Make it stop. First of all, are you giving me to understand that guests are being charged to attend the wedding? This is not right, regardless of how young or broke the couple is. If their budget did not stretch to providing dinner, they should have cut the guest list or scheduled the wedding for a time when a full meal wouldn't be expected. This couple's "solution" is a desperately bad one.
But that's their problem. Your problem is that somehow you got the idea that weddings are a quid-pro-quo affair, in which it is the responsibility of the guests to ensure that the happy couple's postnuptial profit-and-loss statement remains in the black. This, too, is a desperately bad idea. It is crudely materialistic and rewards those who have money - or the willingness to borrow it - while punishing the poor, frugal, and/or modest. Wedding gifts should be chosen based on your closeness to and relationship with the couple, your budget, and what the couple's needs are - period. These are the only factors that ought to be considered.
I must be getting old (I'm 50) and am acting more like my mom every day (which I think is a good thing). On a recent trip to New York, I was appalled to see my male companion comb his hair while we waited for drinks at a theater bar. I quietly chewed him out. He, however, didn't see anything wrong with the practice, since "there was no unwrapped food on the bar." What about the unwrapped drinks on the bar? Later, at a restaurant, I saw two women brushing their hair at their tables. Is it me, or is it OK to do personal grooming in public?
M.R. in North Billerica
It's not you; it is rather nasty to comb or brush one's hair in public. You could have pointed out to your male friend, who I assume is somewhere in the vicinity of middle age himself, that engaging in behaviors that make women dwell on the fact that his hair might fall out is probably self-defeating. A quick lipstick or gloss touch-up or a dab of powder to the nose is generally all right as long as the cosmetic containers are clean and attractive. (Keep an eye on this, ladies; even the priciest cosmetics can get grotty-looking awfully fast when buried in the bottom of your stylish hobo bag.) That's about the extent to which public grooming is acceptable. On the other hand, there's no point in overreacting. The human immune system is a sturdy thing. And every era has its pluses and minuses - I'm sure your mother could describe quite a few unsanitary practices common in her generation that no one would dream of engaging in today.
My Word!
This Wednesday, October 24, is "Take Back Your Time Day." TBYTD is an American/Canadian initiative intended "to challenge the epidemic of overwork, overscheduling, and time famine" in our society. Many people think of etiquette as the privilege of a more leisured age. Who's got time to write thank you notes these days? Maybe you do. Check out timeday.org and learn how to Take Back Your Time!
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 