Miss Behave Chat

3/22/2004

Millie Downing, author of the Miss Behave column, chatted with Boston readers on March 17, 2004. Here is a transcript.

Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:01PM	Millie Downing, Founder & Director of the Etiquette School of New England. I am am columnist for the Miss Behave column in the Sunday Boston Globe Magazine. You can also email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ your questions about a 'sticky situation.' I have appeared on WBZ Radio, profiled in Businessweek.com and other consumer publications coast to coast. I have given advice on etiquette and protocol for over 15 yrs.
KowloonEtiquetteGuy 12:02PM	My father constantly tries to shirk off picking up a bill at an eatery. How should I bring this up and deal with it
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:04PM	Hi to the Kowloon chatter... interesting question, since it does involve a parent.. (: ... I would not recommend saying anything to you father in front of anyone in a restaurant. You may instead choose to speak w/ your dad privately and see if you can ask him why he seems to always do this. Quite daring I know, but since he is your dad, be honest w/ him and just ask him 'what's going on with that?' ...
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:06PM	Dear bad eater... Basically, you should have no more on your fork than you can comfortably fit into your mouth! Nothing should hang off the fork and small bites should always be taken...
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:07PM	Dear bad eater... You should have no more on your faork than you can comfortablly fit into your mouth! Nothing should hang off of the fork and small bites should be taken..
Puzzled 12:08PM	Miss B: To follow up on Kowloon's question, I have a similar situation: a acquaintance who shirks her fair share of the bill, whether it be a cab or meal, by a few dollars. How do I politely insist she proffer the extra cash?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:11PM	Dear Puzzled... Don't we all know someone at sometime in our life who 'lives on the take.' and 'not on the give?' It is very frustrating. There are many comments you can make to let friends, family, whoever know that they are not contributing their fair share... Examples can be direct as 'The bill was $25.00 I still need $7 for your share.' The cab fair was $10, can you give me $3 more dollars.' Remember this can be a way of life for these people... just ask for what they owe you.
KowloonSaladFork 12:12PM	Is it rude to constantly fumble over my words as I have a conversation? I get ahead of myself, and can't seem to get it out, lots of "ahhhs" and such.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:14PM	Dear KowloonSalad Fork... I would not say it is 'rude,' to fumble over your words. This can be a sign of nervousness or just poor communication skills... I have been known to use way too many 'uhhhh.' when speaking and make an effort to be alert to this and not do it.. practice actively, I know it will help.
Puzzled 12:15PM	What about elbows and the table: off or on? I was told off, but it seems people (myself, sadly, included) opt for on. I feel very awkward sitting with my hands folded in my lap.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:17PM	Dear Puzzled... Here the scoop on elbows and table manners. If there is a 'course of food' in front of you. No elbows on the tables... You are welcome to place your elbows or wrists on the table when there is no food in front of you. The exception to this is when using chop sticks as most of us need to 'balance w/ our wrists,' and that is ok.
butrflygirl56 12:18PM	my boyfriend always pays for meals. he never complains, and never accepts money when i offer it. after 6 months of dating is this still appropriate? and don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:20PM	Dear Butterflygirl... Aren't you the lucky one...(: .. It is wonderful that your boyfriend is so generous. If this were happening to me I would just make sure that I make sure he knows I am appreciative and also make it a point to maybe pick up a trinket now and again of something I know he would really enjoy. I am also assuming that financially your boyfriend is able to do this... if there is any doubt here, be cautious not to take advantage of his generosity.
mrspeabs 12:22PM	Miss Behave, what's up with people who either don't rsvp to a party or reply that they'll be coming and don't show? Do some people just not know what RSVP means?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:25PM	Dear mrspeabs.. 'What IS up with those people?' They have driven me mad for years! I have to believe that the larger population does know what RSVP means. (tho I have encounterd people from other countries that don't and I understand this..) Personally, when this happens and it is the same people ignoring my invitations, but still 'showing up,' at our parties... I tell them that I need them to RSVP and why it is important. Some have changed and are more considerate.. but others will never change.. don't let it get to you... try to just enjoy your parties...
neighbor 12:25PM	My neighbor is always trying to dump her kids on me to watch when I'm outside playing with my 2 year old. I believe in being friendly, but not too friendly to these folks. They are always asking to come into my house and they invite themselves to every BBQ I have in the summer. How should I keep them at bay without hurting their feelings?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:29PM	Dear neighbor... I have only heard about this problem.. say 100 times in the last 5 years and I do sympathize. It is very rude to do this. You need to make yourself 'unavailable.' If this means 'gently telling a neighbors child' that you and your family have to do something and you will have to walk them back home.. then do so. As for the parents, if they just show up at your BBQs you can't do much once they are there... but you can let them know that you have get togethers that are for a group of friends they don't know and are sorry that you won't be able to invite them...
SlicingHammer 12:29PM	When having a business meeting, is it OK to call out individual employees for poor performance in front of a larger group? Sometimes I think they're doing a bad job, and letting them know publicly is just the way it is.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:30PM	Dear Slicing Hammer... You just cannot embarrass them in front of the group. For your sake and theirs. They will be humiliated and the group you embarras them in front of will not think kindly of you. It is just very rude. You must speak w/ them privately about their poor performance.
The Humorless Ghoul 12:32PM	Miss Behave, how do I deal with people who constantly try and change the subject of a discussion? I enjoy talking about the greatest sport on the face of the earth – college basketball – but my cohorts take any chance they get to steer the topic in a different direction.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:34PM	Dear Humorless.. Another category of inconsiderates... will it never end? When this happens, stop talking. End your story and when they then say... Oh... Joe. please continue... just say.. no thanks... You can also 'just walk away,' and join people who are more considerate.
fromMA 12:36PM	Do we really have to show manners when telemarketers call? While we get less calls, I still find it invasive.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:37PM	Dera MA... It is not called manners, it is called 'call blocking,' or caller id... register yourself as a 'no call,' number. When those few get thru... the answer is 'Please take me off your call list.'
Amy-baby 12:38PM	We just had a birthday party this past weekend for my 3 year old. What is an appropriate time-line for me to send out thank you notes? I like to write them and then have her color a bit on them, and sometimes this takes a while to get each one done.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:39PM	Dear Amy-baby.. My sons are now 7 and 8 and I did the same when they were 3 ... I made each 'thank you' special and it does take a while... I say if you have these out in 4 weeks you are doing 'just fine!'
D.Wayne Johnson 12:40PM	Please let me know if this is considered proper... My ex-wife and I have joint custody of both of our daughters. We are on good terms and we both attend our daughters events at school, soccer, gymnastics,. At my daughters last birthday party she brought along her new boyfriend and his son without telling me and created what was very uncomfortable for my daughter. I kow this because my daughter told me so afterward...
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:41PM	Dear D. Wayne Johnson. Speak to wife and let her know how your daughter felt. Since you are on good terms she may have just 'zoned out,' not realizing that 'her other relationship w/ the new beau,' should have been communicated before just showing up. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but she should be told.
friend or foe 12:42PM	after how many times should you stop asking out a female co-worker if she repeatedly declines?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:42PM	Dear friend or foe... stop asking now. Sounds as tho she has given you her answer several times already. Move on.
BDub 12:43PM	I share an apartment with 3 other guys, yet I'm the only one who is doing the dishes, vacuming etc...i've tried dropping hints, but these people are LAZY! They are great friends, but they need to help out. Any suggestions?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:44PM	Dear Bdub. You have to nip this in the bud. Have a meeting w/ your roomates and divide the chores. Tell them that it is incredibly unfair that you cleaning up after them and you won't continue to do so.
Cream of the crop 12:45PM	Miss Behave, is it still appropriate for a man to order his dates food for her? I've received mixed reactions from this attempt at chivalry. What's the right thing to do these days?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:47PM	Dear Cream of the Crop. Many ladies feel quite comfortable ordering their own food at a restaurant. When doing this for someone the first time, politely ask them prior to the server's arrival if they would 'like for you to order for them.'' They will let you know their preference.
Jags 12:48PM	Millie, my coworker has a phony business card he keeps in his wallet that he flashes whenever we’re told we will have to wait at a restaurant. The maitre d’ will usually scramble to find a table for this “food critic”. He finds the situation amusing, while I find it revolting.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:49PM	Dear Jags... He is using incredible poor taste. Tell him to stop doing this when you go out together. It is immature.
kb 12:49PM	I'm a young woman...if I'm on a full bus and an elderly woman comes on, I offer her my seat. But what do I do if an elderly man comes on? Presuming either looks as though they'd have trouble standing, for example.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:50PM	Dear kb.. You should offer your seat to an elderly gentleman also. Consideration for the elderly is not gender specific. Congrats to you for doing this!
Where's Joe? 12:52PM	Miss Behave, what do you think about secretly taping a nasty boss to show him how rude and insensitive his complaining and insults are? Is that proper?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:53PM	Dear Where's Joe.. have you lost your mind. No, you cannot tape your boss. Speak to him privately and get your point across.
decorum 12:53PM	My friend recently bought her first condo in Boston. How long do I have to bring/send a housewarming gift? She moved into the condo in January. Is it too late?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:54PM	Dear decorum... it is not too late at all...
kylie 12:55PM	I am having a wedding in two weeks and its as if no one has ever attended a wedding before! Almost every person that we did not give guests too (we only gave guests to those people dating for a long time, or living together) added guests to their RSVP card and on the rare occassion, called and asked to bring someone. Is this rude or am I just overreacting?
mother-in-law 12:56PM	Is there any place or any circumstance wherein a well-mannered man can wear his hat (in this case, a baseball cap) indoors and at the dinner table?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:56PM	Dear mother-in-law.. you'll love this answer. It is NO. (:
J-Bug 12:57PM	Miss Behave, I have a friend who writes columns on the internet. Problem is, he cant write a column that doesnt include me or some of our other buddies. I mean once or twice is kind of nice but EVERY FREAKIN COLUMN. How do I go about getting him to change his writing habits without offending him? Thanks, love the chat!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:58PM	Dear J-Bug... Let him know he needs to find 'new material,' that it's getting boring to his readers. Buy him some books.. send him on a vacation.. have him join a club... he needs to meet more people! (:
decorum 12:59PM	More on the bus questions...What do i do if i think the person standing next to me is pregnant, but i'm not sure...Do I risk offending them if they are not?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:00PM	Dear decorum... Best to 'not' congratulate someone you don't know on their 'upcoming bundle of joy!'
first time dad 01:00PM	with a new baby in the house, me and my wife are always bickering with each other. when ever i correct her on the proper way to bathe/food or play with our kid she goes thru the roof. How do i get my constructive criticisms across without insulting her mothering skills?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:03PM	Dear first time dad... Give mum a break. She too, is trying to do 'all the right things,' for your new baby. No need to criticize.. just offer to help. I have to believe she is capable of bathing the baby safely and playing with her/him. New babies make things 'larger than life,' between couples.. be patient and get lots of rest when the two of you can so neither of you are as 'frazzled.' Good luck...
mother-in-law 01:04PM	Miss B: should the guest with the baseball cap be ignored? Is there a well-mannered way for the hostess to suggest the baseball cap be removed?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:05PM	Dear Mum.. the 'guest,' does not have more rights on this one. Politely ask him to remove his baseball cap. And then thank him for doing so.
temp_to_perm 01:06PM	I may be leaving my current contract job to take a full-time job at another company. Do I have to give a full 2 weeks notice before leaving, even though my current situation is employment at will?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:07PM	Dear temp to perm. I would think you are in the temp position via 'an agency,' they s/be the one to handle your leaving. What does the agreement between the agency and the employer state?
Twitch Craft 01:09PM	I'm in the same boat as Kylie- How do I tell a friend, who tends to fall head over heels in love and quckly back out, that there is no 'and guest' for her invitation. We are only including married/living together couples and my sister's fiancee.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:11PM	Dear Twitch Craft.. First, did I answer Kylie's original question? I apologize I lost track ): .. Anywho... the answer is that it is 'not alright,' for folks to bring a guest if it was not stated on 'their invitation.' Just explain to your friend that you are limited in the number of people you can invite. Plain and simple.
toner 01:11PM	i'm always told my "tone" of voice is offending. how do i work on this? Sometimes, i just can't hold back my disgust with a comment or situation.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:12PM	Dear toner... Boy, I will tell you that it is 'definitely,' important that you work on this. The tone of one's voice and make or break relationships at work, personally and all other types!
e 01:13PM	Miss Behave, I think you are totally wrong on the baseball cap. I was always told it is ruder to correct someone's bad manners than any other infraction of manners.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:14PM	Dear e.. Nope... sorry. It is rude to correct someone if they don't know what fork to use, but there is nothing wrong with asking someone to remove their baseball cap. They need to know. Not in a mean/rude way. But they need to know.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:18PM	Thanks to all of you who joined in.. look on boston.com for my next chat session!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:19PM	Oh yes and don't forget... you can email me at missbehave@globe.com.. I would love to hear from you! Millie
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