Miss Behave Chat

April 21, 2004

Millie Downing, author of the Miss Behave column, chatted with Boston readers on April 21, 2004. Here is a transcript.

Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:05PM	Millie Downing, Founder & Director of the Etiquette School of New England. I author the Miss Behave column in the Boston Globe Magazine. You can email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ your question about a sticky situation. I would love to hear from you! I have also appeared on WBZ Radio, profiled in Businessweek.com and other consumer publication coast to coast. I have given advice on etiquette & protocol for over 15 years.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:07PM	Dear Jay.. 'dictate' is a strong term and of course my answer is 'No...' ditto regarding the 'price.' If this is happening w/ you and your significant other you had better have a serious conversation about 'partnering for life,' and what that is all about before you go down the aisle.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:10PM	Dear Jeff. If the culture is that the board sees everything, then it sounds as tho it is not a bad idea to cc: the other members on your communication. Not knowing 'where you fit,' w the board, it may be the safer thing for you to do until you are directed otherwise.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:11PM	Dear BNU. Bingo! You are doing exactly the right thing.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:14PM	Dear nwg.. thank you, let's see if it works now...
nwg 12:15PM	Dear Miss Behave - the question part of the chat is not appearing, just your responses.
Jeff 12:15PM	When emailing a member of your board of directors, is it wise to email the entire board, even if the email is really just to one person? My company culture has a thing about copying everyone on everything.
BNU 12:15PM	Hello, I am moving this weekend and have enlisted a few friends to help out. What is proper reimbursement for their time? I planned on ordering in dinner and paying for that, is that proper?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:17PM	Dear BNU.. I just sorted out my own technical difficulty... to answer you.. You are doing exactly the right thing for your friends.
biff 12:18PM	Hi. My wife and I were married this past august and we didn't receive a present from a couple of our close friends. This couple was married several months later and of course we gave them something. I don't mind not getting anything, but I want to make sure it wasn't misplaced at the reception or not received. What should we do? Should we have sent a thank you note just for attending?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:19PM	Dear biff... Yes, you should have sent a thank you for attending and by not thanking for a specific gift, the guest should be keen enough to ask w/n you rec'd their gift. What happened to you is not uncommon and I've found this to be the most tactful way 'to check in' w/ the guest.
diane 12:20PM	Hello, I have noticed that kids don't seem to have any decent manners these days and I now have a "little sister" who has terrible manners. I pick her up every week to take her out swimming or rollerblading, etc... and she is so demanding. I would like to find a way to teach her some manners. for instance when I show up she might say immediately... I need to shop. I'm sorry but I need to shop. I need clothes!! And the way she says it is just so abrasive. What can I do... should I sign her up for etiquette school? or is there something I can do regularly (even though I only see her once a week) to get her to be more polite?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:21PM	Dear Diane... Yes, there is something you can do each week when you see her. Teach by example and use your time together to give her instruction and examples of proper manners. Don't be bossy about it, be gentle, yet firm and let her specifically know that how she communicates is considered rude.
tc 12:22PM	We are having a baby shower for my sister this weekend and a few of the guests called and asked if it would be ok to bring their babies. Is this appropriate?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:23PM	Dear tc. You have to tell your guest specifically if you the event does 'not include' children. It is your decision as to w/n you will be set up to handle 'children also...' at the party.
nwg 12:23PM	Dear Miss Behave, I have the same situation as biff. Is it too late to send a thank you now - almost 9 months later?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:24PM	Dear nwg. You have 1 year to send Thank You's for wedding gifts... You are in the clear... start writing.. (-;
handcramp 12:25PM	Do thank you notes have to be written for every gift? Now that I have a child, relatives & friends are always bringing toys and other items for him. When do I write a "thank you" vs. just a verbal "thanks" being enough? Also, we have neighbors that help us out with yard work - when does something besides saying "Thank You" have to be done?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:27PM	Dear handcramp... Of course if a neighbor helps rake leaves you do 'not' write a thank you note... a verbal thank you and the offer of somethin to snack on, s/do the trick. If trinkets are brought over such as extra toys etc., you also do not have to mail a written thank you for every 'drop off,' If you find that a special friend is offering you things for the children on a regular basis, you might write a special note to let her know how much you appreciate everything.
T 12:28PM	Hi, how do get rid of guests at a party who have overstayed their welcome and just will not go home?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:29PM	Dear T. I typically 'stand up,' and start thanking that 'last guest,' You can also explain that you have an 'early day,' tomorrow w/ lots to do... if they are still following you aroundt he house while you are shutting off lights... I would get their coat for them and walk towards the door... (-;
nwg 12:30PM	Dear Miss Behave - I'm sorry, I meant that I have not yet received a gift from a couple at our wedding. Is it too late to send a note thanking them for attending the wedding (without mentioning a gift)? All my other thank-yous were out within a month of the wedding.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:30PM	Dear nwg... I am sorry for being clear. Yes, you can still sent 'that note of thanks' for attending the wedding.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:31PM	Dear nwg.. Opps.. I meant I am sorry for 'not' being clear.. (-;
ohbehave 12:32PM	I was recently in a situation where I was forced to sit in a closed, windowless room for hours for jury selection. A couple of other jurors were talking together very loudly while the rest of the crowded room was fairly quiet. Is there a polite way to ask those who are loud to perhaps tone down the decibel level?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:33PM	Dear ohbehave.. If I were in that jury room I might mention to the other jurors that I have a 'banging headache,' and that the noise is making it worse; while I also inquire as to w/n they 'have any Advil?'
lulu 12:34PM	I work with a bunch of professor types and they have some peculiarities. Several of them don't bathe or change their clothes regularly, but one of the most bizzare things is that a couple of them actually cut their fingernails in meetings of 10+ people. I find this rather rude and quite disgusting. Since I'm the one of the newest and younger people here, I can't really say anthing. Is there a solution?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:35PM	Dear lulu.. I saw a movie once where a particular group believed 'one should save their nail clippings,' blah blah blah... if this is not the case, you might quietly ask 'whoever is in charge,' at organizing these meetings if something can be said about 'meeting decorum,'
enuff 12:36PM	my husband & I went out to dinner at a fairly expensive restaurant. at the next table was a child screeching & screaming. The parents did nothing & neither did the staff. what is appropriate to say or do in this situation
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:37PM	Dear enuff... I would quietly excuse myself to speak to the restaurant manager. You cannot get involved w/ another's child when they are screaming, but you can certainly expect the restaurant to try and intervene w/ the parents of the screaming child.
freezing 12:40PM	I have a coworker who insists on still wearing heavy sweaters to the office, but then turns all the air conditioners on full blast. Several of us have asked him if it is ok if we turn the air conditioners down and he always replies yes, but then he thinks we won't notice he turns them back on high! What is the best way to deal with this?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:41PM	Dear freezing.. Is there a building/dept maintenance person who can deal w/ the a/c and thermostat? Speak w/ them about the freezing situation since your co-worker seems to ignore the requests to turn it down.
bbbp 12:42PM	Dear Miss Behave, My husband forgets regularly to write thank you notes. I try not to nag him about it, but I do find it rude when it goes overlooked. I have bought him stationery and stamps, etc. but I usually end up writing them myself. Is there any hope?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:44PM	Dear bbbp... I addressed this is a recent Miss Behave column. You have done most of what you s/do.. bought the stationery and stamps... BUT, you must stop writing those thank you notes for him! And you need to tell him that you will no longer be handling that duty for him. Hopefully, he will step up to the plate when he sees the paper and stamps on his desk.
Jay 12:45PM	Do you think a woamn has the right to dictate what kind of engagement ring she wants and the price as well ?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:47PM	Dear Jay. She can certainly express the style of diamond she prefers. (eg pear, marquis, etc.,' but it is wrong of her to 'dictate,' anything about the price.
ks 12:47PM	Any tips to deal with a man's wandering eye (when he is with you?)
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:49PM	Dear ks. Have a private conversatin w/ him and specifically let him know that it is rude of him to glare at other women when you are w/ him, and that you would 'more than appreciate,' if he would not embarrass you and himself when you are out.
honesty 12:49PM	Why does etiquette involve simply avoiding confrontation, often times placing the burden of confrontation on someone else's shoulders?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:51PM	Dear honesety. Where or Who told you that etiqutte 'involves simply avoiding confrontation?' If you follow my Miss Behave column you will almost always see that I advise folks to 'deal w/ the problem,' straight on.
HandsofaTrustFundBab... 12:51PM	My father helped get me started in my own business - which he promised he'd do - but now he insists on controlling me through his checkbook. How should I approach this with him?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:54PM	Dear FundBaby. Gee.. if father is controlling you in this way, you really need to have a daughter/father chat w/ him. I am assuming your relationship is a good one and that you can be honest w/ him about how you perceive what he is doing. At least this will begin the conversation about 'how you feel,' w/ what is going on,' and give him the chance to 'explain,' why he is doing it. You can move forward to hopefully resolve w/ all of this on the table.
ComboverNation 12:55PM	Hi Millie. I don't know how much talk radio you listen too, but I listen to quite a bit. You'd be alarmed at some of the manners of these boorish blabmeisters, especially the sports talkers. I've heard a gentleman in the evening on a sports station literally scream at callers because of reasons such as an inferior cellphone, a radio on in the background, or just not being as articulate as the pompous host would like them to be and then accused of being intoxicated. Do you agree that these loyal listeners are actually making an effort to contribute to the success and interest of a radio program and do not deserve such inconsiderate treatment? Thank you very much in anticipation of your response.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:57PM	Dear ComboverNation... I, too, listen to quite a bit of talk radio and I do know what you mean. My take on some of what I hear the announcers doing is to drum up 'more than lively,' conversation between themselves and the person calling in. Anotherwords, I think alot of it is 'by design,' I do believe the line s/always be drawn before anyone insults another.
df 12:58PM	I moved from Britain to the US a few years ago. Average Americans don't seem to know the poper way to use a knife and fork. My wife and I often wonder at the awkward silverware juggling going on in even the finest restaurants. Maybe your column should talk to this subject at some point?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:01PM	Dear df... I just returned from Rome, Paris and London and my chilldren were able to aptly demonstate 'continental dining,' in every country.. (-; I don't necessarily say that American's 'don't know the proper way.' because many use that 'ole American Zig Zag style of dining, but I do agree that it is most chic and sophisticated to watch a person dine continental. I have dining etiquette seminars in which I specifically instruct on how to do this and it is always well received. Write to me at missbehave@globe.com and I will gladly do a piece on 'continental dining.' (-;
DM 01:03PM	I have a friend that, no matter what I order, wants "just a bite" of my meal, before I even have a chance to sample it. It's not that I don't like to share, but I'd like to enjoy my food first before others dip their germ'd forks and spoons into it... How can I politely tell her to wait until I've had what I want and then she can pick from what's left?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:05PM	Dear DM. No one should 'eat off of another's plate,' but I too see it happen. When the person wants to 'just sample,' from your plate, immediately take a piece from your plate and place it on 'their plate,'
lola 01:06PM	I am going to a wedding in NY as a guest of someone who is invited. I know the couple getting married through my friend and her husband (the groom and I walked together in my friend's wedding.) Should I give them a gift from just me or is the gift my date is giving sufficient for the both of us?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:09PM	Dear Iola.. If I follow this correctly, you were not send an inviation, but are attending as another's guest. Correct? If you and this person are going together, than maybe you can both chip in towards the gift being given w/ both your names on it... If the relationsihps between all the players here does not dictate that, then you two could certainly each bring a gift to the wedding w/ separate congratulations.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:12PM	Dear Chatterr, (et al).. How time does fly.. thank you all for joining me today. Stayed tuned to boston.com for my future chat sessions... You can read my column on line at boston.com/globe/magazine... And don't forget to email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ YOUR sticky situation (-; Ciao! Millie
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