Miss Behave Chat

May 19, 2004

Millie Downing, author of the Miss Behave column, chatted with Boston readers on May 19, 2004. Here is a transcript.

Miss Behave (Moderator) 11:54AM	Millie Downing, Founder of the Etiquette School of New England. I author the Miss Behave column in the Boston Globe Magazine. You can email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ your question about a sticky situation. I would love to hear from you! I have also appeared on WBZ Radio, profiled in Businessweek.com and other consumer publication coast to coast. I have given advice on etiquette & protocol for over 15 years.
Midwest Manners 12:00PM	We are transplanted Midwesterners and cannot believe the rude drivers and pushy pedestrians in Boston. Are we imagining this?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:04PM	Dear Midwest..Gosh I wish I could tell you it 'was you!' But, it probably is not. I moved here from PA about 20 years ago and I still am still bedazzled by the inconsideration. Practice your defensive driving and use your Midwest manners to show our Boston drivers how nice it can feel to be allowed 'to be waved in ahead of you' as you show them courtesy. I practice this each and every morning and I honestly think it makes a difference because they are 'so shocked' that a driver is actually being considerate! Stay safe!
ilovenomie 12:04PM	I asked a co-worker how their weekend was and the reply was, "Terrible, I was at a funeral." I'm not on a friendly basis with this person and felt awkward then this was brought up because I didn't know how to gracefully respond other than the typical "I'm sorry to hear that." After I said that, the person went into detail that I didn't ask for. What is the best way to respond in this type of situation? Thank you in advance for your advice.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:07PM	Dear Ilovenomie.. you did and said the right thing. After you tell them you 'are sorry to hear about what happened,' should they wish to go into some details, try to be a good listener and if the person goes on beyond what is considered a reasonable amount of time - say again 'I am sorry to hear this, and need to go off to a meeting (whereever...) now.. As you walk slowly away they will understand.
The Donald 12:07PM	Should I correct my interviewer's grammar during a job interview, or should I wait til later?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:08PM	Dear Donald... Of course you won't correct your interviewers grammar! Do you want the job or not?
Major Talent 12:08PM	My boss asked me to dress in a less revealing way. I frequently wear mini skirts and short, tight shirts. He did not mind my dress while he and I were an item - should I tone it down now?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:09PM	Dear M.T. What do you think the answer is? Common sense will prevail here.
Boston Wheelman 12:09PM	Hey, Midwest Manners: this ain't Kansas City. People are trying to get somewhere in a time frame. That and a shaky public transit system means lots of traffic. Ever tried to get from the South to the North shore. Or from either shore to metrowest. During rush hour, it's thunderdome.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:11PM	Hi there King Wheelman...! No, this isn't Kansas City and Toto isn't coming, but give everyone a break. Lots of us drive in other parts of the country and it does not have to be as aggressive as it gets around here. Slow is down for one day and see if it honestly helps your anxiety level.. really.
wiggie 12:12PM	I am in a serious relationship, and have spent some time with my boyfriend's parents, but they have not yet told me what to call them, and as they are both doctors, I must refer to them in the exact same fashion, Dr. -----. As such, I avoid naming either of them aloud in their presence. Is this rude? What can I do?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:15PM	Dear wiggie.. since a bit of time has gone by now and you have avoided using a name when speaking with them. The next time you are with them, refer to them as 'John,' and 'Trish' and then say, 'Is it ok that I call you Trish or do you prefer I call you by another name?' They will let you know their preference. DISCLAIMER: If you are under 17 yrs old and asking this, you would refer to them as Dr. Jones until they told you to use their first name. Hope this is helpful.
Parental Abode 12:17PM	I moved back in with my parents after college. I do not work. How can I make my mother understand that household chores are beneath a Summa Cum Laude English Major?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:18PM	Dear Princess Summa... This is a joke right? Add up the cost of the 1st 18 yrs of your parents raising you and possibly helping to pay for that degree. Help out.
kidward 12:19PM	What age do you consider appropriate for children to take a basic etiquette class?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:21PM	Dear kidward. Parents are the best teachers for toddlers and up to 6 or 7 typically. Finishing classes are helpful starting around 8 in their earliest form.
National Ted 12:22PM	Is there such a thing as etiquette when eating food at a sporting event? Clearly some foods, such as the hot dog, are almost always eaten with your hands. I enjoy a good dog with chopped onions and ketchup. I often have to use my hands, although I would prefer not too. I have heard that the new owners are cutting cost and not supplying utensils at the condiment stand. Is it acceptalbe to eat a hot dog in public using your hands? Thanks and love your column. I sometimes read it on the inta-net!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:24PM	Dear Ted... Yes, it is ok to eat that hot dog w/ your hands. At a sporting event it even adds to the 'whole ambiance!' I have also noticed that there are less & less utencils out there... and what's up w/ the monitoring of ketchup packets at some of the fast food places??? Enjoy your hot dog & I'm glad you enjoy the Miss Behave column!
GetOuttaMyWay 12:25PM	Do I have to hold the door EVERY time? Sometimes I want to go first. So shoot me.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:26PM	Dear GetOutta... Yes, you should hold the door each time. How difficult is this? O contrare... You'll live
Moet 12:26PM	Hi there...is it true you have a up to a year after your wedding to send out thank you cards?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:26PM	Dear Moet. Yes, that's the good news.
forever a bridesmaid 12:28PM	Dear Miss Behave.. my friends give me a hard time for my thank you notes. I sent them for everything... I think its a nice gesture. They think its corny. Are thank you notes becoming passe?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:28PM	Dear forever... You are wonderful and it is a nice gesture. Thank you notes are not passe.
3boys 12:29PM	If a baby or toddler get presents, how do you write the thank you note? Does the mother write it or do I pretend it is from the baby?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:31PM	Dear 3boys. Mums usually write the thank you for their baby or toddler. Some mums write 'as if the chid is writing,' You know that 'crayon thing w/ words misspelt...' but it's whatever you have time to do...
forever a bridesmaid 12:31PM	Miss Behave, I am several weddings this summer and the expenses as a bridemaid are out of control. Is it necessary for bridesmaids to pay for the shower(s!), the shower gift, the bachelorette party, the dress/shoes, the engagement gift, a wedding gift, etc.. I am going broke here!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:33PM	Dear forever... You do not have to pay for all of these things... many times other family members or a close friend hosts the shower.. you need to stop saying 'Yes, I'd love to be your bridesmaid' if you are over your head financially.
aprilshowers 12:34PM	Good afternoon. Could you tell me what the current rules are for cost of bridal shower gifts and wedding presents (if any?) Not for parents or best friends, just the rest of us (coworkers, non-close friends, cousins, aunts, friends of parents). Thanks!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:37PM	Dear april... There is no 'blue book' w/ these prices in it, and it is not the 'cost of the gift' that is most important. Try to find something that you know the couple could use or would be meaningful to them. Obviously, if you are able to get a great deal on a 'gift,' it simplifies things by not giving a 'cash gift,' and feeling you did not give enough. You just should not have to feel that you did not give enough. If they are registered go thru the list of items, there is almost always a wide array of things they need.
inky 12:37PM	my neighbors fruit tree hangs over the fence into our backyard. last summer it dropped mushy fruit all over the place. I know that legally I can cut anything on our side, but do you think I need to inform them first?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:39PM	Dear inky.. This happened to me! Years ago. Knock on your neighbors door 1st or give them a ring and let them know politely what 'all this fruit' is doing on your side of the fence. You should be able to come to a meeting of the minds to end all this mush!
daughterinlaw 12:40PM	Dear Miss Behave, I have a similar problem to wiggie. What should I call my inlaws. I have had a discussion with my mother-in-law about this and she has told me she doesn't want to address her as Mrs....and also not by her first name. I don't feel comfortable calling her mom. So right now I don't seem to address her at all. I call her my husband's mom to other people but how can this be solved???
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:43PM	Dear daughterinlaw... Sorry, but Mum-in-law sounds a bit unreasonable, don't you think? When she gave you the bit on the 2 nams she did 'not' want to be called,' did she say 'I prefer WHATEVER?' Approach her again, ask her what she wants you to call her. If she says call me Mum, just tell her that YOU are not comfortable calling her that as you reserve this name for your own Mum. If she is stubborn, tell her that you feel most comfortable calling her by her 1st name and eventually she'll get use to it.
Flat in Foxboro 12:44PM	As you can tell from my name, I am relatively flat-chested (A cup). Why do women with large bosoms have to show them off all the time? Next time I see a push-up bra on a 36C I'm gonna scream!!!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:46PM	Dear A.... Don't let it bother you. Really!
toasttime 12:46PM	Dear Miss Behave -- I will be giving a toast at my father's retirement party -- what is the appropriate tone and length?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:49PM	Dear toast.. How wonderful. You know your father best. If he likes to joke around, he might like some humor. If he is more touchy feely he might like to know how he has touched so many lives... my suggestion is to mix it up w/ a bit of all things wonderful for his special day. WARNING: Don't make it too long... I would say 1 min at tops. It's a toast, not a declaration. Enjoy.
averagejoe 12:51PM	Hey flat.........dont worry to much, most of their brain, is in that push up bra as well.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:52PM	See A... I told you 'not to worry!'
friendofbride 12:53PM	Hello Miss Behave! I hope you can help me - a good friend of mine was recently married at Sandals (ie it was a private ceremony, just the two of them). They were not registered anywhere so as a gift I bought them a photoalbum which I embellished a bit myself with decorations and such. I was just about to send the album off when we received a wedding announcment stating that they are not registered and would appreciate cash gifts as a downpayment towards a home. I unfortunately do not have the funds that would contribute substantially to this and am now unsure as to if I should send the album... Oy... can you help? Thanks so much - I enjoy your column.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:55PM	Dear friendofbridge.. Couple's should not be asking for cash wedding gifts period. Very gauche. Send the album.
midwest_heartbreaker 12:55PM	Dear Miss Behave - I met a girl during a night out and have now gone on a couple dates with her. I am 24 years old, and Iunsure of her age. She loos and acts like she is in her mid-twenties, but it is difficult to tell. I would like to find out her age, but my friends say it is rude to ask a young lady how old she is. Any help will be appreciated!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:00PM	Dear midwest. There are a ka-billion questions you can ask her during a date that will give you a 'clue as to about how old she is,' without asking 'how old are you.' 'Where did you go to college and when did you gradulate? 'Do you have any brothers and sisters? Are they younger or older than you' ... blah blah blah... You can also say how much you 'love or hate being 24...' she'll respond with SOMETHING about that. Good luck.. and why should 'this age thing matter anyway if you enjoy her company????
knowsmanners 01:00PM	When did it become "fashionable" to ask for money i.e., wedding gifts, showers, etc. like friendofthebride just mentioned. Isn't this a little rude?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:00PM	Told you so....
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:04PM	Okey... everyone back to whatever you were previously doing... (-; thank you so very much for joining me today. Stayed tuned to boston.com on the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays each month for my Chats... You can read my Miss Behave column on line at boston.com/globe/magazine.. or in the Sunday Globe Magazine each week. And... don't forget to email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ YOUR sticky situations!.... Ciao! Millie a/k/a Miss Behave
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