Miss Behave Chat

June 2, 2004

Millie Downing, author of the Miss Behave column, chatted with Boston readers on June 2, 2004. Here is a transcript.

Miss Behave (Moderator) 11:49AM	Millie Downing, Founder of the Etiquette School of New England. I author the Miss Behave column in the Boston Globe Magazine. You can email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ your question about a sticky situation. I would love to hear from you! I have also appeared on WBZ Radio, profiled in Businessweek.com and other consumer publication coast to coast. I have given advice on etiquette & protocol for over 15 years.
Soccer Mom 12:10PM	Dear Miss Behave, On the invitation for my husband’s 40th birthday party, I asked that gifts not be given in bold, italicized lettering. I’m receiving inquiries from friends and family on gift ideas, and I’m politely advising that no gifts are necessary. How should I handle the situation where gifts are brought to the party in front of guests who have heeded our wishes not to bring gifts?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:14PM	Dear Soccer Mom, I understand your sensitivity to the guests who will follow the 'no gift,' announcement on the invitation. I would suggest that you plan an 'out of the eye shot' place for any gifts brought to be placed. Of course, proper thanks will be given to the guest who brings a gift, but keep these puppies out of obvious eye range of other guests so as not to make them uncomfortable. The guests who 'do bring' guests should NOT be made to feel guilty for doing so, but we just don't want their gifts to play center stage. Possibly, if you have someone who will be answering the door for guests could graciously accept these and place them in this area.
Soccer Mom 12:14PM	Dear Miss Behave, I was at a resort spa over the weekend for a manicure and pedicure. The sign read that tipping 18% is customary. Does this sound rather steep to you?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:16PM	Dear Soccer Mom. It is customary to tip 10% for these services according to the 'goddesses who write tipping rules..' but it is not uncustomary for a spa resort to actually 'post' what their expectation is. I don't say I agree with this, but I have seen this.
kkpeanut1 12:17PM	what would you suggest is an appropriate hostess gift for my Mother in law who is throwing me a baby shower at her home? thank you
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:18PM	Dear kkpeanut1- how thoughtful of you to think o*****ift for your m-i-law. You know her best, but I always think a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant is always used and appreciated.
Soccer Mom 12:21PM	Dear Miss Behave, I often invite friends of my only child to the movies and/or dinner with us. When I extend the invitation, I always pay the friend's way. Recently, my daughter invited a friend to the movies and dinner afterwards. A short time later, my neighbor called and asked if we could watch her child for the evening as her an her husband were going out (we often do this for one another). Is it OK to ask for movie and/or snack money for this child? I didn't want to cancel movie night but I also didn't want to pony up the extra $20 bucks on an extra ticket and snacks (dinner was ultimately on us).
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:26PM	Dear Soccer Mom. Wow... I have and 8 and 9 yr old... can I send them to your house for entertainment and dinner? (just kidding of course!) (-; .. I had a bit of a time following w/n this latest invitation from your daughter for movie night was the SAME evening as the friend calling for you to watch the daughter also... but anyway.. If you are finding yourself footing movie tickets and dinner for this friend 'more than is reasonable,' than you may need to 'slow down,' the invitations so that this doesn't become 'so regular...' I find it awkward to ask for $ to cover a friend's activities.. typically mum's are able to take turns w/ their children & it comes out in the wash.. but if this is not happening, then see if you daughter might be able to expand her invites to other's?? I know this is easier said than done. You can 'hint' to the other mum that you were planning to go to dinner etc., and see if she realizes SHE should offer to cough up some of the cost. (sorry this is soooo long..)
bullied 12:28PM	I have an office situation. A manager at work has backstabbed me recently (3rd time...) and it was brought to my attention by another coworker. I have discussed with him that I do not want a personal (friendship) relationship with him, just professional(unfortunately I have to work with him). He sent me a card (pretty much saying that he was sorry for getting caught). I have to see him from time to time and he has tried to be my "friend" in the past. What can I say to him if he tries to befriend me again (especially if he wants to strike up a personal conversation among other coworkers--I don't want to make a scene but I don't want him to think that I've opened the door to him again) Thank you.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:34PM	Dear bullied... you wont' believe this, but I typed this 'thesis' to you and got thrown off the system... ): ... I am going to try to send this brief note off to make sure it posts and, if successful, I will answer you... thanks for your patience...
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:37PM	Dear Peeved... Here goes again. Remember the saying, 'fool me once shame on you... 'fool me twice shame on me..' You must distance yourself professionally from this person. When other co-workers are present, stay professional and deal w/ the work situations presented, but don't make yourself vulnerable. You can be professionally 'polite,' but not overly friendly. This manager s/get the hint that he/she is not someone you will consider a friend.
Lola 12:38PM	My husband and I were married in October. We have some fairly good friends who still haven't given us a gift. It's to the point where we actually wonder if perhaps we misplaced a card or two. Is there a way we can politely ask about this?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:42PM	Dear Lola... 'most etiquette goddesss say you never ask about w/n a guest gave a gift.' I agree. What is suppose to happen is that the 'missing gift guest,' gets 'suspecious' as to why you haven't sent a thank you and then inquires as to w/n 'you liked what they gave.' Isn't this all so covert? One of the things that sometimes gets around all this is to send a thank you to the friend for their attendance at the wedding and when there is no mention of the gift they realize you did not receive their gift and ask you if you rec'd it. .. and should the person actually NOT brought a gift to the wedding... (which is beyond tacky...) they are at least thanked for sharing your wedding day.
Lola 12:45PM	One more question, last year I planned a celebratory dinner-out for my husband after he earned his MBA. I invited ten of his friends. When the bill came a few friends insisted that we divide it up equally. I felt as though I should be footing it, since I had done the inviting. What's your take on this?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:46PM	Dear Lola. You are correct. You invited the ten friends to join you and your husband for the celebration and the 'bill belonged to you.' It was kind of them to want to split, but absolutely not necessary on their part.
mike 12:48PM	Dear Miss Behave, I would like to invite friends for a whole weekend away from the city and I am unsure how to handle responses like "We're busy on Saturday, but we'd love to come on Friday." I would prefer having a full house, though being gracious is most important. What are my options? Thank You for your time.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:50PM	Dear mike... Have been in your shoes in trying to arrange a get together. I suggest you 'verbally poll,' the friends you want to join you and get some consensis on what dates work 'for most.' Ask them to pencil in the date once you decide and then if you are planning to send actual invitations you will know that it works for most or your invitations can be a casual verbal one and everyone just 'gets it on their calendar,' once the votes are in. This most often works for me.
engaged 12:52PM	My fiancee is from France, we are planning to get married there first and then have a reception back here for my family. As is will be a second event, should it be less formal than the usual reception? What about some type of service? In France it will probably be a civil ceremony...
Miss Behave (Moderator) 12:55PM	Dear engaged. It does really not have to be less formal. It is up to you and your fiance (and possibly your families if they are involved in planning the US celebration) as to how elaborate you want your celebration. Your US friends will most likely want to celebrate in as grand a style as you would like to have. You can also plan for a service in the US if that is what you would both like. Enjoy!
Molly 12:56PM	I disagree with Miss Behave about her views on bringing a gift to a wedding. I think it is extremely tacky to bring a gift to a wedding. I hate seeing the bride collect money or looking over at a folding table specifically set aside to collect gifts. I think sending a gift to the home either before or after the wedding day is perfectly acceptable. And according to Emily Post, the guest has up to one year to send a gift - if she chooses to. Just because you marry doesn't entitle you to a gift.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:00PM	My dearest Molly... Let me clarify.. I did NOT mean that folks have to bring the 'gift to the wedding..'' I agree that it is most helpful if the wedding gifts are brought to the home prior to the reception as it definitely does make things easier at the reception site. And Emily does say that gifts can be given 'up to a year AFTER the wedding,' but I must tell you that I find this to be just crazy!' Why in the world does someone need a year to select a thoughtful gift for the couple (unless there are medical, overseas blah blah situations...) and many experts agree that 'not bringing a gift' to a wedding is just plain 'thoughtless...'
Cathleen 01:01PM	Dear Miss Behave, How do you correct someone who has called you be another name. My name is Cathleen, but I cannot tell you how many people call me Cathy, especially when they first meet me. Thank you for your Help, Cathleen
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:02PM	Dear Cathleen. This is an easy one. As soon as you are introduced and they call you 'Cathy,' ... Smile at them and say 'I actually go by Cathleen.' It is not rude to say this and the person will be glad to know what they should call you.
engaged 01:03PM	Thanks Miss Behave! One less thing to worry about.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:03PM	Dear engaged.. You are welcome and enjoy that France wedding! millie
BlackTied 01:07PM	Hi MissBehave. I recently got a wedding invitation that specifies "Black Tie Optional." Now, does this truly mean optional, or will I look like a total loser showing up without a tux. This wedding is out of town, and if I have to rent a tux, it might push the budget for us over the limit. Thanks!
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:12PM	Dear BlackTied. This makes me crazy. Invitations should state Black Tie and not add 'Optional,' It creates 'questions of what they should do.' in almost every guests mind, as it did w/ you and rightfully so. If this is a budget issue for you, I would say do NOT rent the tux. They gave you the option when they put that crazy message on the invitation, so this is your out! But be prepared that many may indeed be decked out in their tuxes... (especially if it is an evening reception when Black Tie is appropriate..) it always depends on the mix of the guests as to 'who does what...' when the invite is waffley... (is waffley a word?)
recentbride 01:13PM	A guest at my wedding gave a me a card without a gift inside. I thought etiquette said that I should send them a thank you note thanking them for coming to my wedding. My father said that I should call them and make sure that a gift not mistakenly left out (as some guests forget to rip checks out of their checkbook. What is the etiquette?
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:14PM	Dear recentbride... My dear Lord.. do NOT call them and ask them if they left the gift out... No.. No.. No... you must not do this. Thank them for the card, you will somehow find out if they forgot the check.. (see prev ques/ans in this chat..)
mike 01:15PM	Dear Miss Behave, oops, I wasn't clear. There's only one date the house is available for the weekend and I have already telephoned invites. I would prefer to spend my and my guests time relaxing together for the whole weekend, and not to have to deal with different guests' arrival and departure times over the weekend. (We'll be traveling to the beach, going to nearby restaurants etc.) I am unsure how to handle a friend who wants to come for only a part of the weekend. I'd rather not have guests come and go in the middle of a meal or other group activity, and I wish to be gracious. What are my options for how to respond to a partial acceptance? Should I accept their limited attendance or should I politely explain that the invitation is for either the whole weekend or perhaps next year. How should I handle myself? Thank you.
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:21PM	Dear mike. Sorry, I may have been reading and typing too fast. You can hint to the guests who may want to ebb and flow over this week-end that you would love to have all there for all of the days so all can enjoy one another's company, but it really is just so difficult to get people together w/ their busy schedules, that I say 'relax and enjoy,' your beach week-end and do not worry if Joe shows and you all at the beach.. let all know that you and guests will be 'in and out,' during the week-end and look forward to them 'catching up w/ you when they arrive...' If you feel strongly about controlling that they not give you a partial attendance then all you can do is let those friends know that you 'hope they can join you next year.' Personally, if they are good friends, but just not able to commit for the whole week-end I would not mind. I think if you let go a bit you will find that everything will work out ok & everyone will have a fab time for whatever time they can join in.
Connoisseur 01:22PM	Revolving doors.... who goes in first -- the man or women?
recentbride 01:22PM	Thank you! My father believes he is right about EVERYTHING. I think I was print off the chat transcript, head to my parents house, and tape it to the fridge when they're not looking :-)
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:23PM	Dear Connoissur.. I love when this happens... you'll see my response to this in an upcoming Globe Magzine Miss Behave column... 'can you stand to wait? (-;
Miss Behave (Moderator) 01:27PM	Dear Chatters, (et al..) Thank you all for joining me today. Please join me again on the 1st and 3rd Wed., of each month from 12:00 to 1:00 p.m. and in between see my Miss Behave column in the Sunday Globe Magazine each week or on line at boston.com/globe/magazine... And don't be shy... email me at missbehave@globe.com w/ your 'sticky situation.' Ciao! millie
Connoisseur 01:28PM	Sure -- I've had mixed feedback on this one from women. I'd love to have someone tell me what is the "right" thing to do here.
1 Chatter, 4 Lurkers