Use only as directed

By Joseph P. Kahn  |  April 6, 2009

The big news in the pharmaceutical industry is a wave of blockbuster mergers. Even in a profit-starved, migraine-suffering economy, Big Pharma is growing bigger and fatter, if not necessarily happier.

Last month Merck, maker of widely prescribed drugs like Fosamax and Singulair, swallowed up Schering-Plough, peddler of Nasonex and other nostrums, for $48 billion. Earlier this year, Pfizer wrote a $68 billion R/x for rival drug-maker Wyeth. None of these companies have come whining for a federal bailout - yet. So I guess they're doing something right.

I learned about these megamergers the way most people my age do, yet virtually no one under 40 does: by watching the Big Three network newscasts, where it's often hard to separate important health news from importuning health-product advertising.

Take one night last week, chosen at random, when NBC Nightly News aired 17 commercials during its 30-minute broadcast.

Of those 17 spots, 12 were for (in order): Zyrtec, an over-the-counter allergy medication; Citrucel Fiber Supplement With Calcium; Advil PM, a combination pain reliever and sleep aid; Transitions prescription eyeglass lenses ("healthy sight in every light"); Spiriva HandiHaler, for use by COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) sufferers; the cholesterol-lowering properties of Cheerios; Bayer aspirin and its heart-attack prevention benefits; Omnaris nasal spray, a prescription allergy medication; Just For Men hair coloring (let's help graying old Dad get a date!); Boniva, which helps reverse bone loss in postmenopausal women, most notably actress Sally Field; ThermaCare heat wraps, for relief of muscle and joint pain; and Pepcid Complete, a heartburn and acid reflux remedy.

Common side effects associated with one or more of these products, I further learned, include headache, nosebleed, ear pain, breathing difficulties, stomach pain, constipation, bloating, dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, urinary tract infection, and depression. See your doctor if any of these symptoms persist. Or wait until the next commercial break, when other drug companies, who spend a collective $4 billion yearly on advertising, will address these ailments as well.

At the end of the broadcast I half expected anchor Brian Williams, after thanking me profusely for watching, to recommend a complete physical exam before tuning in the next evening.

Over on ABC, meanwhile, Charles Gibson, the Marcus Welby of network anchors, captured my attention (Dad knows how to work the DVR!) by reporting on a promising new 5-meds-in-1 "polypill" shown to lower cholesterol levels and reduce the risk of heart disease. How? By combining five widely prescribed medications in one handy, once-a-day capsule. My take-away? If your short-term memory's shot, you're five times as likely to stay cardiovascularly viable by taking this pill than if you make multiple trips to the medicine cabinet, staring blankly into the pharmaceutical abyss.

When it comes to the drug business, it seems, megamergers are not confined to the executive suite.

On the Gibson broadcast, the subliminal message was clearer than a Miracle-Ear hearing aid spot: As long as you have a pulse, we'll bring you the day's news.

There were glossy pitches for Centrum Cardio multivitamins, AARP supplemental medicare insurance plans, Visine-A eyewash, Contour Meter diabetes testers (now available in five vibrant colors!), Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel foot insoles, Flomax (for urinary and prostate problems), Wal-Mart prescription-drug services, Children's Benadryl Allergy and Sinus Liquid, Centrum Silver vitamin tablets, Boniva (Sally Field playing a nimble game of Twister with her granddaughter this time), Tena Serenity Pads bladder protection, and One-a-Day 50 Plus vitamins.

I particularly enjoyed the Tena ad, apparently lifted from a Wes Craven horror movie, in which a desperate woman struggles to open her front door before she's flooded with embarrassment. Miraculously, a toilet stall falls from the sky and lands in her front yard, solving the problem. Which begs the question: Which of the two events would the neighbors be more likely to notice?

Not that I expect these health ads to be reality-based. I've long since had my fill of Viagra and Cialis ads, too, in which slow-dancing seniors and empty-nesting hot-tubbers stare into the sunset, thinking deeply libidinal thoughts I try not to share with my 8-year old, sports-loving son. I know what these ads say about certain conditions lasting more than four hours, but I cannot imagine calling my doctor under such circumstances. I believe I'd call Charlie Gibson instead.

Joseph P. Kahn can be reached at jkahn@globe.com.