Ads indicative of emotions in marriage debate

In Milton, it started with a full-page ad, an "open letter" in essay form, that ran in early March in the weekly Milton Times. In 475 words or so, a gay couple wrote about life in town, about a painful tug of war over a gay friend's estate, and about state Representative Walter F. Timilty, who has voted to put a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage on a statewide ballot.

"Why," the men asked Timilty, "do you hate us so much?"

A week later, the 4,200-circulation paper was filled with responses: letters to the editor, a few more full-page ads; and a quarter-page ad from a heterosexual couple across town. Timilty is "not a hateful person," they wrote. "Why do we have to accept perversion?"

As lawmakers approach Monday's Constitutional Convention to consider a gay marriage ban, the mass marketing from official lobby groups has tended to be tame: radio ads and mailers in diplomatic tones, focused on abstract notions like equality and democracy. In a few towns where passions run high and pockets run deep, some people have started to finance their own publicity drives, pouring out their thoughts in rhetoric that can be painfully heartfelt.

A straight couple in Milton ran a full-page ad supporting gay marriage, on the grounds that "we are all just people." A straight couple in Wellesley bought ads in the Wellesley Townsman and the MetroWest Daily News, opposing gay marriage and urging residents to call Representative Alice Hanlon Peisch and Senate President Robert E. Travaglini.

One ad slammed the state Democratic Party for opposing ballot measures to ban gay marriage: "THE ARROGANCE!!! They think voters are too stupid and too bigoted to have the right to vote on this important issue."

The ad wars are a new and vivid sign of how deep emotions run on gay marriage and how much people are willing to spend on their views -- a full-page ad in the Milton Times costs $1,300 -- and public perception. Running an ad was not an easy decision, said John Macdonald, 49, the Milton real estate agency owner who wrote the original full-page ad with his partner, John Murray. "We had to sort of get past our generational bias and get a little guts and say, `Of course, we have to do this,' " Macdonald said.

But the main motivation, he said, was to send a message to Timilty. He said he and Murray left telephone messages at Timilty's office and home, seeking his views on gay marriage, and never got a response.

"So I thought, well, if you don't want to give me a call, I'll send you a message that you can see and everyone else in town can see," Macdonald said.

Maryanne Hutchinson, a spokeswoman for Timilty, said the lawmaker has received more than 1,300 constituent calls on the issue and is trying to return them all in order. Timilty wrote a letter to the Milton Times responding to the ad, supporting Macdonald and Murray's right to express themselves and insisting he does not hate gay people. Though he did not state his personal views on gay marriage, he wrote that he favors a public vote because "my constituents should participate in determining whether or not the constitution should be amended."

In previous meetings of the Constitutional Convention, Timilty voted for a proposed constitutional amendment backed by Representative Philip Travis that would ban gay marriage. He also voted in favor of compromises that would ban gay marriage but create civil unions.

Other Milton residents were spurred to place ads of their own. Lawyers Randal Farrar and Joseph Barri, a gay couple, rushed in a full-page ad after returning from a trip. They considered writing an essay as long as that by Macdonald and Murray, Farrar said, but "compromised on saying a little, but having it be in very big print."

It was noticeable, to be sure, ripping Timilty in bold letters for what they called "his votes to DENY CIVIL RIGHTS to a significant portion of Milton's citizens by amending the world's oldest constitution with the stain of bigotry."

But just as passionate, on the other side, were Rose and Paul Vaughan, who paid for a quarter-page ad to praise Timilty and chastise state Senator Brian A. Joyce, who has opposed a gay marriage ban. "We are concerned about the future of America's youth," the Vaughans wrote. "Millions possibly billions have been spent due to AIDS. Why do we have to accept perversion? We do not and will NOT EVER."

Paul Vaughan declined to comment further to the Globe, saying he did not think his opinions would be expressed as straightforwardly. That is another motivation for ad writers, activists say: a desire to share their fiercely held views without pushing through filters or worrying about diplomacy.

Individual ads tend to be "much stronger in their language" than ads his group would produce, said Ron Crews, spokesman for the Coalition for Marriage, which supports a gay marriage ban. "We try to be more -- I don't know what the right word is, but just understanding. We're wanting the issue to be raised, not necessarily pointing a finger at a legislator. These individual ads -- this is a person out of his own pocket, and they can say what they want to say."

Marty Rouse -- campaign coordinator of the group Mass Equality, which supports gay marriage -- said he would advise ad writers not to "attack people in any way," but said that is not always easy to follow. "It does show sort of how this whole debate is very organic and it's very personal for people," Rouse said.

The ads have posed a dilemma for Pat Desmond, editor of the Milton Times, who cannot complain about the revenue, but worries about printing hurtful words. Desmond said she tends to excise personal attacks from letters to the editor; she fretted over a recent letter that lifted a biblical quote that criticized homosexuality, but decided she could not cut Scripture. She has come to realize, she said, that it is hard to avoid offense.

"It doesn't matter which side you're on, those other people are mean and hateful," Desmond said. "I think it's kind of like a human condition."

Still, she said, "That's what a local newspaper is for, for local people to have their forum." That is how Farrar hopes the gay marriage battle will be won, neighbor to neighbor. "It needs to be done at a local level," Farrar said.

Cheered by the response to their first full-page ad, Macdonald and Murray ran another one the following week, this time with a more pointed message for Timilty. They listed the deadline for filing papers to oppose him in the November election, and wrote, "We will not be alone in supporting that candidate with money and time."