For many, no sex after parenthood

Often the husband and wife sitting in Kalman Heller's office can't even recall when it stopped.

Was it after the first baby or the second one? When one of them took a job with longer hours and weekend travel? Was it the culmination of years of ferrying kids to school, sports events, and playgroups -- combined with sleep deprivation and a lack of free time -- that sapped the passion from their marriage?

Couples are increasingly coming forward to admit that their partners are more like roommates, said Heller, a psychologist and cofounder of Needham Psychotherapy Associates. ''Constantly pushing the marriage to the end of your to-do list means someday it won't be there," Heller said at a recent lecture sponsored by Parent Talk Inc. of Needham. ''It's normal to be exhausted [by life], but some people begin to think that they don't need or want sex."

Heller's prescription: Don't let the pressures and annoyances of daily life crowd out regular dates for romance and sex. Sex is the glue that makes a relationship a marriage, yet many parents prioritize private time way below their children's hockey games and violin lessons, Heller said.

For some parents, the best thing for their kids is to provide an example of a loving marriage, said Aline Zoldbrod, a Lexington sex therapist. ''People think of children as flowers to be fertilized. But they think a marriage can exist on air without any nourishment," she said. ''It can't."

Couples need time alone, and should resist the guilty working-parent tendency to spend every spare weekend second attached to the kids. It's not just OK -- but vital -- to get a babysitter for an occasional romantic getaway, she said.

In her 2002 book, ''Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On" Zoldbrod offers a simple Saturday night reconnection ''recipe" for busy parents: Around 7 p.m., eat a simple dinner, such as takeout, that requires no cleanup. Put the kids to bed, and shut the phone off. By 9 p.m., the kids are fast asleep and dinner is digested.

''Then the parents have two hours of uninterrupted lovemaking and can still be asleep themselves by 11 p.m.," Zoldbrod said. ''I tell people to think of it as an insurance policy against divorce."

The loss of intimacy is much talked about among parents of very small children, said Deirdre Wilson, senior editor of the Boston Parents' Paper, a Jamaica Plain-based monthly that circulates in Eastern Massachusetts. During magazine focus groups, she said, new mothers often bemoan the situation. ''They pine for the relationship they had being usurped by the baby that both of them love," Wilson said.

Parents of older children are more jaded, even sarcastic about their sex lives and lack of day-to-day affection in their marriage. A question on a 2002 Parents' Paper survey asking readers about their favorite romantic night out was left blank by many respondents. A few offered snide answers like, ''Ha!" or ''What's that?"

Wilson, the mother of two girls, ages 11 and 13, said she has seen the impact on marriages firsthand. When her oldest daughter was about 9, she noticed a slew of divorces and affairs among other parents with children the same age.

''It was when everybody was all about work and 'doing it all' that marriages seemed to be breaking apart," Wilson said. ''I remember how shocked we were that people we knew could fall out of love."

National polls estimate that some 20 percent of married couples have sex less than 10 times per year, qualifying as ''sexless" marriages. Dr. Derek Polonsky, a Weston psychiatrist and member of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, said up to 40 percent of marriages suffer from a lack of sexual desire by one or both partners.

Polonsky said many people are too embarrassed to seek help, and most general physicians are woefully inadequate in diagnosing sexual problems. ''So many patients are hoping for their doctor to ask, but physicians are still hesitant to bring up the issue," he said.

Sex will be the focus of the Newton Area Human Service Providers Network's conference at Lasell College this Wednesday.

Conference organizer Lowell Haynes said the 100 or so network members, mostly social workers, requested more training in how to talk with clients about sex.

''I think a new level of openness is coming about because we're finding more openness [about sex] among kids," he said. At the same time many aging boomers who lived through the sexual revolution 40 years ago are seeking satisfying sex lives as seniors. ''They are looking at what age means to them, and how to enjoy retirement years," Haynes said. ''The '60s were about pushing against barriers that [sex] is bad and naughty."

These shifting cultural attitudes among kids and elders could be prompting a trickle-up -- and -down -- effect on parents in their 30s, 40s, and 50s currently raising families.

The average couple who comes to his office has been fighting for about six years, said Heller, and some have been in conflict much longer. Parents who have gone to great lengths to educate their own children about sex are often first to notice deficiencies in their own intimate relationships, and most willing to fix them.

Couples have to be willing to schedule regular sex sessions, Heller said. ''People say 'That's not romantic,' but 10 minutes into being intimate you won't remember if it was planned or not. It feels the same."

Erica Noonan can be reached at enoonan@globe.com.