In storm over gay books, a principal holds ground

LEXINGTON -- Many parents resented the new rules Joni Jay started when she became principal of Lexington's Joseph Estabrook Elementary School seven years ago.

Parents had to sign in when they entered the school instead of popping into their children's classrooms to drop off forgotten homework or snow gear. Jay, who had worked both in industry and education, came across as a by-the-book administrator, while her predecessor was more laid-back, parents say.

Now, many parents speak of Jay with growing admiration and respect. They like the way she has handled herself and stood her ground during recent controversy. A few weeks ago, a set of parents protested the use of books about gay couples in instruction, making the 50-year-old Jay a target of radio talk-show hosts and Internet blogs for the second time in a year.

Today, two sets of parents plan to file suit in US District Court in Boston against the principal, the superintendent, and other school officials. The suit, according to the parents' attorney, will contend that the school system violated the parents' civil rights because they weren't notified about the books or discussions in class. Jay and other school system officials have maintained that the material was about families, not sexuality. Jay supports the school system policy to discuss same-gender couples as part of lessons on diversity.

''It's a culture war, and she's caught in the middle," Estabrook parent Althea Bertrand said of Jay. ''I might not have been her biggest fan beforehand, but I have tremendous admiration for how her response has been cool and measured."

On April 6, parents Rob and Robin Wirthlin met with Jay to protest a second-grade teacher's reading to the class of ''King & King," a fairy-tale about two princes falling in love and getting married. Last week, The Parents' Rights Coalition, a Waltham group, issued a press release on behalf of the Wirthlins. Hundreds of people sent e-mails to Jay, many of them out-of-staters who oppose gay rights. Jay said she files away those e-mails in a computer folder labeled ''angry letters."

''I try as much as I can not to take it personally," said Jay, noting that most e-mails from Lexington residents have been supportive. ''I try to focus on my job and not think about it.

''It's not our intent to be on the forefront of one of the most controversial issues in the country," she said.

A year ago today, David Parker, whose son was then in kindergarten, was arrested for trespassing when he refused to leave school grounds until Jay and other school administrators promised to excuse his son from classroom discussions about same-gender parents. Parker's son had brought home a ''diversity book bag" that included ''Who's in a Family?," a book that shows pictures of same-sex parents along with other types of families. The Wirthlins and the Parkers are the plaintiffs in the lawsuit that will be filed today, according to attorney Jeffrey Denner. Five parents at the 470-student school for kindergarten through Grade 5 asked the school this year not to send the diversity bag home with their children.

Tension between some school officials and parents uncomfortable with the discussion of homosexuality in public schools continues to simmer -- not just at Estabrook, but in the community at large. During a student-led event at Lexington High School yesterday to protest discrimination against gays, lesbians, and transgenders, a Lexington father who opposed the event tried handing out pamphlets on the campus. He was cooperative when asked to leave, Lexington police said. The students' event was a part of the national ''Day of Silence."

Lexington started developing its policy about incorporating same-gender parents into discussion of families about seven years ago, about the time Jay became principal. More families headed by same-gender parents were moving into the community, she said.

''I think it's right to have books and materials that reflect the children in our school," she said in an interview earlier this week. ''We're not talking about sex here. We are talking about families."

The distinction between sex and families, school officials say, is key. A 10-year-old state law requires schools to notify parents only on sex education. Some groups, including the Waltham-based group that has been working with the Wirthlins and Parkers, are seeking to broaden the law to include lessons on sexual orientation.

Students begin drawing pictures and writing stories about their families in kindergarten, and at some point a child will sit next to a classmate who has two mothers, and that's going to prompt questions, Jay said.

Jay, who moved to Massachusetts with her husband in 1982 from the St. Louis area and has a 20-year-old daughter, said she never imagined that the school she was leading would be caught in the national spotlight.

Parents give Jay credit for handling the media attention and protesters with dignity. Jay led parents and teachers in crafting a plan last spring to shield the school's students from the Westboro Baptist Church protesters who traveled from Topeka, Kan., to picket the school.

Rob and Robin Wirthlin, the parents who pressed Jay to warn them before their son's second-grade class talked about gay marriage, said they were initially intimidated to meet with Jay but found her to be pleasant, even though she denied their request.

''She wanted to make us feel that our concerns were heard," Rob Wirthlin said, ''and that's what she left us with -- that our concerns were heard." That was insufficient, he said.

Parker, who was arrested last year after meeting with Jay, said he appreciates the challenges of her job, but disagrees with her decision. ''She runs a tight ship," he said.

But Vincent Case, whose daughter is in the same second-grade class as the Wirthlins' child, said he thinks the principal should be more understanding of parents who disagree, even though he has no problem with discussions about same-sex parents.

''I agree with the school's decision, but as a parent I want to be involved in the process of exposing my children to that material," Case said. ''I want to be aware so when my daughter brings it up, I wouldn't be hearing about it for the first time."

Meg Soens, the mother of two sets of twins who moved to Lexington with her partner in the late 1990s, said she respects Jay for always standing in the hallway with a smile, even on days when she has received a spike in negative mail from out-of-state groups. Soens said the school policy of allowing students to discuss same-gender parents has made her children feel more at ease in class to talk about their family and has enabled her to serve as a school volunteer.

''One of the reasons we moved to Lexington was that Lexington has a good school system but was also a fairly welcoming community to all kinds of people," Soens said.

James Vaznis can be reached at jvaznis@globe.com, and Tracy Jan can be reached at tjan@globe.com.