He dares to ask: Is there life without Barney?

Our pediatrician said Rory and Natasha should only watch one hour of TV a day. I was shocked, and after being revived with smelling salts, I considered getting a second opinion.

As a stay-at-home dad, it's tough to keep the kids occupied without resorting to the TV. I don't seem to be able -- or willing -- to control its use. I'm afraid PBS Kids has me in a headlock.

Now I'm thinking about taking it one step further than the one-hour limit prescribed by our pediatrician. What if I threw out the TV ? Rather than throwing it out the window, I think I'll run it out to the sidewalk for trash day, a New Year's gift for my fellow trash pickers. Unfortunately, I won't be able to put the kids in front of the TV while I do so, unless I get a second TV.

I do try to do other activities with the kids. We build forts out of chairs and blankets. Occasionally we dance to the radio. Today we had a birthday party for Rory's teddy bear. Teddy was speechless. It was a grand affair with ham and eggs, and fudge for dessert. I lit a Christmas candle and we sang happy birthday to Teddy. I know I'm pretty far down the river. Sometimes we play a game called Professor Fly Swatter. It goes like this: I chase the kids around with a dishrag and yell, "Get those flies!" The kids howl with delight. Hide and Seek used to be fun, but now they know all my hiding spots. I remember one time I hid from the kids, and we weren't even playing Hide and Go Seek. My wife came home from work and said. "Why are you hiding beside the bed?"

"Why do you think I'm hiding?" I replied. "They're driving me crazy."

"Where are they now?"

"In front of the TV."

I do other activities with the kids, like setting up the play table with paints and brushes. I set myself up with a cup of coffee. Natasha, 5, will paint something very abstract and call it a boat.

"Oh, a boat," I reply. "Pretty."

This works for a while, but soon the idiot box is back on and they're face-to-face with Barney, who mocks me by laughing and flailing his arms. I'm concerned about those kids who are on the "Barney and Friends" show. The children's smiles appear to be a bit forced. I wonder if there are armed dinosaurs just off camera, wearing Patty Hearst-styled berets. "Smile, kid!"

We avoid commercial TV. I find the shows and the commercials to be really violent. There's always some advertisement for some twisted cop show where someone has been killed in a bizarre fashion. We don't even allow the kids to watch the evening news. Just the other night I was watching the news and Rory walked in the room and asked, "What are they doing?" He pointed to the grainy image on the TV. The image was Saddam Hussein with a rope around his neck.

"Oh, they're just making a scary movie," I replied.

Rory, 2, didn't believe me. I shut the TV off.

"Sesame Street" and "Between the Lions" are good shows because I feel like the kids are learning something. How could I not like the Cookie Monster or those literate lions. I don't have that same warm feeling when Bob the Builder comes on the tube. I wish he and his secretary, Wendy, would just hook up. The tension is killing me.

"Teletubbies" is an odd PBS show. I think their ultimate goal is to conquer the North Shore. I fear the character Po might roll down my street in a tank, kind of like Mike Dukakis in the '88 presidential campaign. Po will lob a tank shell into my garage. Then Tinky Winky will pop up and say, "Again, again."

The show "Caillou" is by far the worst. Caillou is the whiniest kid on TV. All the kid does is whine. The parents sound like smarty-pants liberals, and the grandmother, too. They're always on the kid's case. Caillou should defect to the children's show "Dragon Tales" and go eat some dragon berries with that blue dragon Ord.

My point is that I've got to get rid of my TV and regain control of the ship. The thought of it terrifies me. What would Barney do? I don't want to do anything compulsive.

Maybe I'll wait until after the Super Bowl.

Sean Devlin lives with his family in Beverly. His 2002 novel, "Above The Gutter," was a finalist in the HarperCollins National Bestseller Contest.