Dad savors chance to land role as lowly sidekick

Maybe it's because another Father's Day is just around the corner, but I'm finally starting to make sense of the particular frustrations that come with being a stay-at-home dad.

So what's my big discovery concerning fatherhood? Well, it's simple really. With the arrival of my son 10 years ago this month, I went from being a headline act to a sidekick overnight.

(When I help out on school trips, for instance, I have a fulfilling, though relatively minor, role as "Brian's dad.")

From this eureka moment has come a further set of insights.

I now understand why so many men are reluctant to take up the full-time care of their children. A parent's work, by and large, is unproductive. (In the traditional free market economy sense, that is.) We spend a good deal of time shifting uncomfortably on the sidelines, as our kids go from one activity to another or simply hang out around the house with their friends. For our efforts, the most we can hope for at the end of each day is to see a happy and untroubled child, resting peaceably.

This is a concept alien to a lot of men, myself included. Due to my hard-wiring (or maybe hard-headedness), I often get the feeling that I should be doing something more substantial and, yes, more productive with my time. Looking after my son, preparing the evening meal, and sorting through laundry while my wife is at work - these hardly seem the tasks of a "real man."

Part of this is society's fault, of course. (And no better culprit.) For instance, in Ireland, where I've lived since moving from Medford in 1992, stay-at-home dads are a decided minority: 21,000 of us compared with nearly 418,000 housekeeping moms. (I'm sure the same ratio applies around Boston.)

It's a hard sell, whichever way you look at it. Most people, if they allowed their prejudices full expression, would probably say that full-time dads fall into two categories: lay-abouts or wusses - neither of which looks good on a resume.

And yet, wouldn't most kids jump at the chance to have their dad around all day? The trouble with that setup, of course, is that boys will be boys. Speaking from experience, I find that it's difficult not to revert to the carefree ease of childhood when tedious household chores beckon. Whether I'm out kicking a soccer ball with my son or walking behind him as he rollerblades around our suburban Dublin neighborhood, I have no trouble imagining that I'm 10 years old again myself. (My wife will back me on this one, and she might even lower that age threshold a bit.)

Of course, no matter who's minding the kids, one thing is for sure: Well-adjusted children don't spring up overnight. And this is where men (and some women) need to broaden their understanding of what goes on after they leave the house for work each day. Mothers and fathers who stay at home with their kids have to be as innovative and resourceful as any business executive. But where parenting is concerned, there is seldom a visible payoff - or more precisely, the payoffs that do occur, in the form of a sheltering home space distinguished by a reliable laundry service and a well-stocked fridge, are often taken for granted.

Of course, I've hardly touched on a deeper problem.

Due to economic pressures, most couples can't even contemplate the option of one parent staying at home with the kids. When I was a Medford youth of impressionable age - back in the late '60s, early '70s, if you're curious - there was always someone, most certainly a mom, tending the home front. And such were the times that we even walked home from the Dame School for our lunch, then trudged back for another couple of hours of instruction in the afternoon. Ah, the innocence of it all.

That would be impossible today. In most households now, both parents are working to support the mortgage, the cars, and the gadgets. Even if dear old dad wanted to stay at home and play straight man to his kids, the numbers simply wouldn't add up at the end of each month.

So I suppose it doesn't really matter whether being a stay-at-home dad has reduced me to a lowly sidekick. I should count myself lucky this Father's Day that I'm on the bill at all.

Freelance writer Steve Coronella, a Medford native, lives in Ireland. He can be reached at sbcoro@eircom.net.