A rather whacky chat

I didn't think it was possible, but it turns out the con man formerly known as Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter is barmier than I thought.

Did you read the interview he gave the Globe yesterday? I just sent sympathy cards to my colleagues John Ellement, Maria Cramer, and Mike Levenson. Whatever we pay them, it's not enough to listen to Herr Whacko drone on for 45 minutes in a phony aristocratic accent. I'd sooner have somebody remove my cranium. Without anesthesia.

My favorite part of the interview? Hard to say. There were so many gems. I like how he sprinkles conversation with "rather" and "quite so." I do the same. But I think I'll go with how he kept insisting he was Clark Rockefeller, a cultured Brahmin, even though his fingerprints say he's just some middle-class German dork who got tired of his boring Bavarian existence and decided to reinvent himself in the United States.

It appears that Herr Gerhartsreiter subscribes to the theory that if he says something patently untrue enough times, people will eventually believe him. Well, I've got news for German Boy: He's in the good ol' US of A now, and we only let our politicians get away with that. If he thinks he can just lie to people's faces and tell them it's true, I suggest he become vice president.

Of course, there's a little rule in our Constitution which would prevent that, but I'm sure he could find a way around it. After all, he's a Rockefeller, and there isn't a constitution that's been built high enough to keep a Rockefeller out.

Speaking of vice president, the only thing missing from the interview was our boy Clark explaining that Obama had to settle for Joe Biden because he was, um, tied up in Boston and couldn't make it out to Denver this week.

Herr Rockefeller let it slip that he spoke "five or six or seven" languages. Now, I speak about two or three dozen myself, so I know how hard it is to keep track.

One language that we know for sure he speaks is jive, after he claimed the first thing he read to his daughter, when she was 2, was the poetry of Lord Tennyson. By 3, she was reading scientific journals. If "Snooks," who is now 7, is as smart as he says, it won't be long before she realizes that the day the big bad men locked up Daddy after he kidnapped her was a very good day, indeed.

I can't wait to see the "Today" show this morning, but, truth be told, I'm very disappointed that NBC dispatched Natalie Morales to interview Herr Rockefeller in the can. This interview had Kathie Lee Gifford written all over it. I would have given my firstborn child to watch Kathie Lee show Herr Loony Tunes pictures of her kids and tell him how great her husband Frank is. I'm hoping that Kathie Lee and Clark can make one of those duet albums for Christmas.

Call me a snob, but I would rather watch Kathie Lee and Clark Rockefeller than Kelly Ripa and Regis Philbin, any day.

Now, some of you might suggest that by allowing the Globe and NBC to interview his fruit loop of a client, Steve Hrones is setting up an insanity defense. I still say this is a Hollywood pitch. All that's left to decide is who plays Clark Rockefeller. A younger Woody Allen, circa "Take The Money And Run," would be perfect. But Woody's too old now.

Danny Bonaduce, who played the smart-aleck kid on "The Partridge Family," could pull it off if he'd lay off the 'roids. But a safe bet is Timothy Busfield, the guy who played Elliot Weston, the adulterous, egotistical ad man in "thirtysomething."

And Clark, just one more thing: When you look at the visitors' log at Nashua Street jail, and see an empty space, you'll know it was me.

Quite so.

Kevin Cullen is a Globe columnist. He can be reached at cullen@globe.com.