A readers' forum

I'm a newspaper columnist, which means I have loads of time on my hands and usually spend it thinking of ways to do as little real work as humanly possible.

So, given that it's Labor Day and nobody, including me, is reading this stuff anyway, I've decided to treat you to a sampling of the thoughtful, often moving correspondence I receive from readers.

Now, some of it comes from kings and queens and captains of industry, because they form my base audience and adore me. But every now and then, I hear from ordinary people who simply want to state, for the record, that I'm an idiot.

As if that's news.

Anyhow, my column mocking the contretemps over what to call UMass drew an angry response from a certain Eules H. Tracy, who said he received two degrees, including a master's, from UMass. Eules observed that UMass has produced "Noble Prize winners," and finds it demeaning that I sit around "mocking the rich" and "a great and proud university."

"I was wondering," Eules wrote, "if you are really a moran or just plain dumb."

Actually, Eules, given the way you spell, you shouldn't be calling anybody dumb. And my mother's people were Connollys and if you call somebody from that part of Connemara a Moran, them's fightin' words. See you in court.

A column wishing that the family values crowd would pack it in prompted many responses from those citing deeply held religious views in opposing gay marriage. I got a call from a nice old lady named Louise who lives in Roslindale.

"I hope," she told me, "God kills you."

Well, Louise, He might be inclined to do so, but He doesn't know where I live.

The subject of race brings them out of the woodwork. Somebody named John Susce took great offense at a column by suggesting something I had not even written: that Jack McCormick, the Red Sox traveling secretary who Manny Ramirez did an A&B on, was greeted like a hero at the Eire Pub in Dorchester after Manny was "run out of town." Actually, hardly anybody paid attention to Jack when he walked into the pub to talk to his pal, Martin Nicholson, the bartender. That didn't stop Dr. Susce from suggesting I had offended all of humanity.

"Your reference to the boys down at the Erie Pub is scary. Take a look at the present make-up of the Red Sox - it has become 95 percent white. Has Red Sox Nation turned into the Lily White Nation? Do you, Shaughnessy and Ryan have any idea what you are portraying - three Irish guys, who represent the latent racism that personifies Boston's racist past. Do you guys remember busing in Southie (a stone's throw from the Erie Pub)? You are so naïve in not seeing what the Red Sox have involved into - Yuke, Bay, Dustin, Lester and Papelbon doing an Irish jig."

Thank you for your generous observation that being Irish equates to being racist. That's very tolerant of you and shows just how much we all have, as you put it, "involved." The boys down at the Eire Pub didn't run anybody out of town, and they don't like Manny not because he's Dominican, but because he's a jerk. As for that Erie Pub you refer to, if it exists it is in Pennsylvania, not Dorchester. And if you consider a bar in Adams Village a stone's throw from Southie, you have a better arm than Manny.

Speaking of race, a column suggesting that all the talk about Obama being arrogant is silly provoked this response by somebody named Heywood.

"After reading five paragraphs, I can tell you're a token. Mainly because you write in precisely the way a subliterate 14-year-old talks. Let me guess. You're black, young, and you really think you get a column because of your writing abilities. News bulletin, pal. You can't write, you're not that smart, and were it not for the color of your skin you wouldn't have a column."

You're right about that last point, Heywood, except that I happen to be very, very white.

Either I need to trim my Afro in the photo that accompanies my column, or you need some glasses, bro.