Take back the tarmac
When you are stuck on a plane, no one hears you scream
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Nothing would be worse for the Observer than to be trapped in an elevator for anything over three minutes. I would end up in a locked ward and consume nothing but baby food for the rest of my days.
A close second would be if I were locked in an inert airplane on the tarmac for six hours. It happens to people all the time.
There is, obviously, the claustrophobia. I have a hard time with the seats in steerage on my best day, so the thought of sitting for the duration next to a baby beluga with the ESPN ranters at full volume is troubling.
Then: the sickening smells and the sweat that soaks pinstripe and Pucci alike after the pilot has turned off the air conditioning. Then: the unspeakable toilets, the absence of water. Then: the screams, the tears, and, more ominous, the slow burn of the guy in 35F.
(My wife once sat on the runway in New Delhi for eight hours. With a baby who developed diarrhea.)
The cabin crew has been reduced to punching bags, their faces covered with spittle from furious passengers who shriek they have missed their connecting honeymoon flights to Europe, to their ailing mothers in Miami, to their job interviews in New York. The pilot, meanwhile, remains locked in the cockpit, buffered from the mayhem, munching Ring Dings and playing Parcheesi with his co-pilot.
To top it off, we face the white noise of people barking into their BlackBerries. This begins the minute the delay is first announced and continues unabated over the next six hours.
You get to know some of your fellow travelers from their endless conversations. Most talk into their phones at megaphone level: "I don't believe this. I expressly told you not to touch the filet we were saving for Saturday night." The woman rolls her eyes to say, can you believe I married this guy? We nod vigorously to share her outrage.
The essence of tarmac trauma is our absolute lack of control over the situation. It defines helplessness in the 21st century, and that's saying something.
This is why the Observer read with particular interest an Associated Press story that ran late last week. It was about a federal task force investigating the scandalous waits the airlines can force us to endure in planes on the runway. Six, eight, 10 hours - the sky's the limit.
Said task force was charged with solving this nightmare. Passenger groups have been pushing for ages to get hard limits on the hours of tarmac torture before we must be returned to the gate.
Dream on. According to the AP, the panel, which is dominated by representatives of the airlines and airports, did zilch. Their $600-an-hour K Street lobbyists did their jobs. The airlines won. (The airports want nothing to do with this, either.)
Both want more time to develop their own plans, and yes, they apparently say this with straight faces.
The panel's message was, whatever happens on the runway is existential. It's not the fault of the airlines. They can't be blamed. It's no one's fault. Ever.
The airlines have the gall to keep this stance while charging us for luggage, food, headsets. I haven't seen an actual meal on a plane since the last century. I'm guessing you now fly to Rio on Diet Sprite and Cheez-Its.
We all know the airlines are in tough shape, but they would reduce our ill will toward them if after three hours, they sent us back to the gate on their own. It will never happen. As Chip Bohlen said to JFK about the Russians, the only thing they understand is the glint of cold steel.
So let's give them some. Let's hector the feds until they make them behave better. Would that be inconvenient for them to do so? You betcha. But why not spread the pain?
The panel made helpful recommendations, though: When practical, refreshments and entertainment should be made available. You could drive a truck through "when practical." Also: airlines should make reasonable efforts to keep the bathrooms clean. My reasonable is not your reasonable. And remind me again who's going to do that? The woman serving the pretzels? I don't think so.
And my personal favorite: airlines should update passengers delayed on the tarmacs every 15 minutes, even if there's nothing new to report.
Can you imagine anything worse than hearing "There is still no change in your status. Thank you for choosing to fly with us" four times an hour, for six hours straight? I'd rather face a
(Have you ever noticed, by the way, how many service numbers you call to get something fixed now preface their recordings with "due to extraordinary traffic" to explain why you're left hanging until sundown? Whenever I call, at any time of day, I get the same thing. So how long can extraordinary be extraordinary before it's ordinary? Let's get real. We're talking layoffs.)
Last is the truly hairy sentence in the AP piece: "Federal rulemaking is a lengthy process, guaranteeing the issue will be among those waiting for the Obama administration."
Let's see, how far down the line do you suppose this rulemaking will be? Since Barack Obama has nothing on his plate, we should get this resolved in no time.
Sam Allis can be reached at allis@globe.com
