Pondering forgiveness for sex abusers

I have struggled with the question of forgiveness as a survivor of clergy sexual abuse. I think it is much easier to forgive my abuser than the unrepentant hierarchy and the priests who continue to be enablers even in the light of extensive public disclosure of the horrific crime. I took a course on forgiveness a couple of years ago taught by a Jewish professor who said there may be some wrongs that are not forgivable. Another piece of the course discussion was the truth and reconciliation commission concept that was especially significant in South Africa although it has had limited use elsewhere, for example, in Greensboro, NC. Maybe that might be an appropriate tool in this situation.

As a Catholic wife, mother and concerned American, enablers of the horrific clergy sex abuse crisis now rely on entitlement beliefs... truly believing they are entitled to forgiveness for each and every heinous sex crime that destroyed the life of a child, adult or family. It is known fact that "abusers" seek to find ways to blame the "abused" -- and the cycle of abuse continues. Forgiveness is the foundation of christianity yet, religious leaders and the faithful in the pews need to take off the blinders and recognize that blaming victims for non-forgiveness is the latest of many public campaigns to cast doubt on the abused for speaking out. When church and government leaders own up and take responsibility for correcting the wrongs that destroyed so many lives, without furthering the cycle of abuse to continue, forgiveness will follow. Without justice, there will never be peace and without peace, faith and our country's law s are empty.

Your article caught my interest. I have been involved as a volunteer in prison mininstry in a state prison in MA for over 16 years, and have learned that forgiveness is likely the most difficult, yet most freeing gift that, by the grace of God, we can give to /get from one another.
I would like to read Sr. Camille's article and, if possible, bring it "inside" for the men to read and discuss. As you might imagine, in prison discussions of sexual abuse, particularly involving children, whether in religious communities or lay communities, are quite heated. But, they also help individuals and groups begin to understand how long and difficult the path to offering/accepting forgiveness to another or to one's self can be. It is a path that we all should explore. After all, don't we sooner or later seek it ourselves?

I am unsure as to how Ms. Arienzo defines forgiveness. At one point she says it's a letting go of hatred & apparently it does not mean forgetting what happened--but I am still not sure of exactly how she defines forgiveness. Hatred for whom? For the perpetrator, I'd guess, but also for the other people who may have allowed it to happen (the pope, etc.) or who did not believe or act when the abused person was finally able to talk about it?
What about the feelings of emotional hurt, of inadequacy & incompetence (you were unable to protect yourself) that people who have been emotionally abused may feel? Is forgiveness a one person act? If the person (who one may still see if a member of one's family) does not apologize or in any way admit wrongdoing?
What exactly is the process by which one becomes able to forgive?

Dear Mr. Paulson and Sister D'Arienzo,

I am exhausted, too. I am tired from my therapy treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares, the sleepiness nights and hazy mornings. I am tired of triggers.

I am exhausted when I pray and exhausted when I don't. I am tired from the drops of sweat that drop from my forehead and the tears that drop from my chin. I exhaust myself as I try not to look at another priest saying lifting the Host as my memories blend from the here to the now.

I am exhausted from diocesan outreach staff laughing at me, mocking me and gutting me each time that I need services or ask for further outreach. I am exhausted from meeting with other victims when I started a support group for other raped, molested and sodomized by their priests.

I am tired of the parish staff avoiding me like the leper that do not wish to be. I am tired of holding up my wrinkled hand asking Jesus to pity me, Son of David, an heal me.

I am tired of faithful, good hearted, hard working, Gospel minded Catholics who "want" me to get well, who "need" me to heal, who wish me into forgiveness, who tell me that they are exhausted. With great respect, are you?

Have you sent out letters to your Bishop asking for further assistance for other victims? Have you started a outreach group that is safe and healing for victims/survivors to attend? Have your met with the social workers and lawyers whom have sat day after day with the outcast of the church, the victims and their family members, and held their hand as exhaustion suck the life out of them.

Have you been kick off of ministry work because you have dared to break the silence of abuse and the cover-up that your diocese continues in? Have you been pushed back, punched as you will in the gut, because "...you are shaming to "good" priests that just sinned a bit".

Have you been so tired as too wonder how do you seek to forgive when "in persona Christi" was an icon of sacredness and is now the true version of Satan himself.

I am exhausted from trying to loosen the knots of mystery and sanctity, and gently replace the fraying threads of my mind with new yarn.

I am exhausted from seeking forgiveness in ways that trigger me, that drop me back down to the bottom and hold me there why I gasp for air.

I am exhausted and plain worn thin from wiping my eyes dry during mass, during Holy Days, during Advent and Lent, and listening to the sound of my own teeth chatter as I attempt to go to confession. I puke because I am tired.

Forgive who? Forgive what? The nightmares come and go, the stress triggers fade in and out. I am exhausted from sorting through the pieces good and evil as they were both dumped on the floor along with the small shattered slivers called "me." My bishop even is tired from trying to fix a rot that he himself does not want to touch or be near.

I forgive my abuser, my pastor, my bishop, the diocesan staff, the God fearing Catholics who try to get it and can't, the ones who try and mess with my sanity more than what is possible. I forgive Jesus and God and all the Saints for nailing me to a cross that crushes me daily.

I forgive myself each day for being afraid of the monsters that were hiding underneath the altar, for running now from the people who spoke harsh words when I cried out for help, and shunning the public officers and lawyers that told me to be happy as I never had to go to court; justice, to them, had been served and I should, must, be joyous in their doings.

I forgive me for trying too hard to do the right thing, and being so human in not doing anything well like I use to. I have hope for a better future...

I forgive you both, Mr. Paulson and Sister, for writing an article about the a universe that is so far away from Mother Church, that until you sit in a room full of survivors and span their fragile space and time, you simply have no way to traverse the land which they and I now call home.

Forgiveness, one day, will shine on us all. Thank God for His mercy when that days comes! I hope I don't trigger that day. That is what I hope for!

Stop setting your watch to my trauma, and I promise not set my watch to yours. That, is to forgive. That is a first rule in trauma.

So, I forgive you both for jumping in with no ropes.

Peace,

Kelly Mathews

Marquette, MI

www.marqdioceseclergywatch.org

Marquette Diocese Clergy Watch

Thank you, Kelly. Truly, I find a lot of the rhetoric from the forgiveness movement to be more harmful than helpful to those who have been traumatized. I realize that it makes people uncomfortable to know that those who were assaulted are angry, but berating them into forgiving and declaring that forgiveness will allow them to get better is ignorant and cruel.

Your comfort is not the concern of abuse survivors. Adding your voices to the rhetoric that they must forgive is ultimately hurtful. If someone chooses to do so so, they do it in their own time and at their own pace. Singing the chorus of how they must do so only backs them against a wall, retraumatizes them, makes them feel defensive, and further isolates them.

Please. STOP.

Thank you Sister Camille for being willing to enter the surgical ward not wanting to hurt anything, not wanting to touch anything but knowing you've got to say something. My prayers are with you Sr. Camille .I have no doubt how exhausting and intense this arena will be for you.
thank you Michael for bringing her voice to the Globe.