Listen, barista, I'll take my joe talk straight

Enough of the java jive.

I'll have a grande, quad, ristretto, nonfat, dry cappuccino, please!

Such orders are standard fare at Starbucks, the bastion of coffee-speak, the ''third place" for customers, the coffeehouse that touts an ''experience."

But since the Starbucks evolution -- or revolution -- ordering a cup of coffee can get downright confusing.

Starbucks New England spokeswoman Jennifer Guebert says the company offers about 55,000 beverage combinations, part of its ''customization -- a fundamental attribute [that is] part of the Starbucks experience."

She says the combination is ''adaptable" to customers' preference or dietary or allergy needs.

So you can order from the menu a caffe mocha espresso, no foam or a grande white chocolate mocha frappuccino, no whip.

You can have your coffee tall and mild or short, no whip.

Or your brew can be unleaded or come with legs.

The list is enough to make my head spin. And it's a turnoff.

There's even a pocket guide on learning the lingo. (By the way, a ristretto shot is a short pull of espresso ''capturing only the sweetest part," the guide says.)

Is all this a lot of hot air? Do I need be bilingual to order coffee at Starbucks? And is this lingo contributing to a kind of counter culture of coffee snobbery?

Janet Randall, who heads the linguist program at Northeastern University, says the lingo could be part of the corporate branding -- a company that markets java language along with music, movies, mugs, coffee, and coffeepots.

''They want you to feel like you are in a place where you have a whole lot of choices," Randall says. ''There is an art where you can feel special."

Only, I don't feel special. I feel lost, and a little put off. All I want is simplicity. Why do I have to say unleaded when I mean decaf?

To make up a word for decaffeinated when decaf is a perfectly good word? ''That's annoying," says Randall, who has ordered Starbucks coffee, but prefers Peet's.

Why does it have to be complicated? And what's with all the Italian?

Beverages don't come in small, medium, and large. Try tall, grande, or venti.

And if you are still lost, you can get a coffee master, who'll set up coffee tasting to help you pair the right food with the right brew.

Come on.

And don't get me started on the modifiers. Just getting through the milk section is dizzying.

You can have your latte with nonfat milk or organic milk or whole milk or half-and-half or with soy milk from the United States or Canada.

Starbucks employees are happy to help customers navigate ''all this language stuff," says one barista, a.k.a. service person.

The Starbucks spokeswoman said that over time, people get accustomed to the company lingo: Like the coffee, an acquired taste.

Plus the company still offers a regular cup of coffee.

And the pocket guide makes clear there is no ''right way to order at Starbucks."

''Starbucks really prides itself in being able to offer this customization and being able to fill a variety of needs," says Guebert.

Still, it's a little intimidating. I feel like I need a tutor, a road map to Starbucks lingo nation.

For now, I'll just head to that less-pretentious competitor down the road for a large coffee, skim milk, no sugar -- and lots of plain talk, please.

Meghan Irons can be reached at mirons@globe.com.