An Internet bug

The Observer finds himself yet again in one of life's Bermuda Triangles. This time it's Internet hell. What did I do in a previous life to deserve this?

I'm shopping for a provider because my friends upstairs, the ones with the wireless access I've been sharing, are moving. The gall. They leave the Observer with an appalling pair of options: Comcast, the muscle - bound monolith that charges nosebleed fees, or dial-up service, which allows me to complete my shopping run at Roche Brothers before the screen changes. (Forget satellites.)

I always thought the digital highway was supposed to be teeming with players desperate to give me superior service for a relative song. So why do I feel like a stag at the prom?

I don't live in Roosterville, by the way, so we can dispense with the argument that I'm stuck because I exist like an anchorite in the tall grass. I live in Jamaica Plain, a densely populated urban neighborhood of Boston.

Blame first goes to Verizon, which with my swollen phone bills kept sending me endless come-ons for DSL service at $14.95 for the first year. High-speed for $30. Both are slower than what Comcast provides, but cheaper, too. Regular DSL is fine for me. I have no plans to download the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

A Comcast sales representative tells me I'll pay $45.95 a month for its high-speed service, with rented modem, on top of my existing Comcast cable TV. Were I to sign up for its Internet service alone without the TV, she adds, I'd pay $57 a month. Gracious.

The Comcast defense has always been grounded on the value option -- you get a lot for your hard-earned simoleons. ``We're creating choice," says Comcast spokeswoman Shawn Feddeman.

The service, she says, comes with 50 new bells and whistles, almost none of which I want but must pay for anyway. It's all or nothing, so remind me where the choice is here?

Exhibit A is Rhapsody Radio, which lets me download over a million songs free. I don't want to download a million songs. Hell, I don't want to download one. So Comcast: How about canning Rhapsody and cutting my bill? Now that is choice.

Back to Verizon. I try to sign up for its el cheapo DSL offer only to learn I can't get DSL at all. I later reach a Verizon PR guy named Clifford Lee about my predicament. Lee eventually e-mails me that because I live over 15,000 feet from the nearest Verizon switching center, the signal is too weak for service. In short, tough noogies.

I also ask him where the other DSL holes are in Boston. He won't identify them but writes that about 80 percent of the city can get DSL service. Then I ask him when I can expect DSL. He responds he can't give me that information due to the competition. ``We try not to provide our competitors with a road map of our future technology deployment." Read never.

The Observer then contacts RCN. A nice man tells me that it can only provide me with dial-up. I hear about satellite alternatives and examine the website of an outfit called HughesNet, which offers a home service package with $599.98 upfront and then $59.99 a month.

Internet providers: A pox on all your houses.

It will probably get worse, says Representative Ed Markey, ranking Democrat on the House Telecommunications and Internet Subcommittee. Markey has been fighting Verizon in Congress over federal legislation that would free phone companies entering the broadband sweepstakes from having to negotiate with municipalities over broadband coverage.

``A mayor isn't going to let Verizon choose what areas to serve," says Markey. ``He's going to say it's got to go to all the homes. If not, he's a one-term mayor."

Markey warns that the deployment plans of phone companies for broadband cable won't be pretty.

``Verizon wants to go into a municipality and cherry pick the areas it wants to serve," he says. ``You don't have to be a Harvard Business School graduate to figure out what their business plan is. They're looking for the people with deep pockets."

Which do you suppose Verizon broadband likes more, he asks -- Lexington or Mattapan?

Verizon is laying it in Dorchester now, but his broader point sounds right. And disparities in cable access warp the playing field. As more students are expected to use the Internet for their work, kids from areas like my Bermuda Triangle are at a disadvantage if their parents can't afford Comcast.

The end of my story is plumb weird. A Verizon construction manager named Jay Beasley calls me last Thursday to say that, mirabile dictu, he can get me DSL. He says the real DSL distance limit is 18,000 feet. I assume he has been dragooned by Verizon overlords to placate me, but then realize even Verizon isn't that dumb. It's too obvious. Beasley swears he called only after seeing my cancellation order to drop Verizon phone service for Comcast, and that part of his job is trying to save accounts.

I remain skeptical until I learn from a friend across the street that he's had DSL for a year and a half.

Sam Allis's e-mail address is: allis@globe.com.