Hilary Sargent

Be the smartest person in the room at any Super Bowl party

Credit: iStockphoto.com

If you’re not at the game, and you’re not boycotting the game, you’re probably watching the game. Or pretending to.

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Here’s a reading list that will make you prepared for any conversation or situation—not related to the actual football being played—that might arise.

OPPORTUNITY: Someone brings up the idea that prostitutes are such a huge problem at the Super Bowl.

Explain that actually, the whole mass invasion of prostitutes in the Super Bowl host city is really a myth.

OPPORTUNITY: Someone brings up game-day weather. (People LOVE discussing the weather.)

Educate yourself on the implications for the first cold weather Super Bowl.

OPPORTUNITY: You’re watching the game with people who have strong views on union labor. Or, maybe you’re watching the game with Marty Walsh himself.

Discuss how the (not at all cash-strapped) NFL staffs the Super Bowl with thousands of volunteers. And how an ongoing lawsuit could change all that.

OPPORTUNITY: There’s an awkward silence and it’s your job to break it.

Explain to your friends it’s actually super quiet inside the stadium, too.

OPPORTUNITY: Everyone around you is talking about how excited they are for this year’s wardrobe malfunction.

Know more than they know on the history of the wardrobe malfunction.

OPPORTUNITY: People are discussing food. Or Judaism. Or both!

Wow everyone with your knowledge of just how Kosher this year’s Super Bowl will be.

OPPORTUNITY: People are discussing the ads. (This is inevitable.)

Explain how it costs $4 million to run a Super Bowl ad. With $4 million, a company could buy a lot of things. Like, for example, 14 billion Facebook ads. That said, here’s an argument as to why a 30-second spot is still totally worth the money.

OPPORTUNITY: You’re with a nerdy crowd.

A few options here. A mention of the fact that players will be wearing 3D printed cleats might do the trick. Or, if you’re with a literary bunch or a room full of media types, you could try complaining about how many people think Super Bowl is one word. Or, why not throw out the idea that the Super Bowl should really be played on Saturday?

OPPORTUNITY: The game is boring. The ads are boring. You need a fresh angle.

Share this video of British people trying to explain the Super Bowl with your friends, and laugh at the guy who thinks Beyonce once came out the winner.

As for the actual football, I can’t help with that. But here’s the entire NFL season in only 160 seconds.

E-mail me at sargent@globe.com. Follow me on Twitter @lilsarg.

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