1. EVEN ELMO HAS DONE IT. What do Charlton Heston, Stephen Colbert, Christopher Reeve, Bob Barker, Elton John, Bono, Mark McGwire, and Richard Simmons all have in common? They’re all white men! Well, yes. But they’re also all celebrities who have testified before Congress. Yesterday, Ben Affleck testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee about genocide in The Congo, and Seth Rogen appeared before a Senate subcommittee to discuss his family’s experience with Alzheimer’s. Why does Congress listen to celebrities? (Given that only two senators showed up to hear Rogen, it’s possible that Congress doesn’t, in fact, listen to them.)
2. EAT UP (WHILE YOU’RE STILL ALLOWED TO) … As if you needed more than one reason to order a large pizza you fully intend to eat on your own, here are 74,476 reasons to always get the bigger pizza. You’ll no longer have to squint to see how many calories are in the enormous soda you’re about to drink. The FDA’s proposed changes to nutrition labels are out, and they include a bigger emphasis on calories, added sugars and vitamins. The new labels will also adjust the way serving sizes are presented. But don’t worry! The new labels won’t take effect for a few more years. So, for now, you can still pretend that the 200 calorie bag of chips you’re eating is only 200 calories, even though it’s more like 400 since you’re obviously going to eat both of the two servings, each of which consists of approximately three chips.
3. AMERICA, AS SEEN THROUGH DATA. Earlier in the week, the viral map being shared more than any other was one depicting the most popular bands, state by state. But it turns out, Maine’s favorite band probably isn’t R.E.M. What the map everyone loved got wrong. Forget what band is most popular state by state. While we’re on the subject, an enterprising blogger decided to go ahead and map the least popular bands, state by state. Most Americans are smart enough to understand that you don’t actually need to avoid black cats and you can walk underneath ladders without your life falling apart as a result.
4. ANSWERS TO COME! (THOUGH PROBABLY NOT, REALLY.) Florida’s top prosecutor says he plans to release a report by the end of March detailing the findings of his investigation into the May 2013 shooting by an FBI agent of Ibragim Todashev. Todashev was shot while he was being questioned about his relationship with alleged Boston Marathon bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev. During the questioning, Todashev is said to have confessed to having been involved in a 2011 Waltham triple murder. (More on that was detailed in a recent Boston Magazine article.) Unfortunately, it’s unlikely the Florida prosecutors report will answer most of the many lingering questions that remain.
5. ALSO … What makes comedy work? Equal parts good and evil. If you’ve always had trouble figuring out time zones around the world, this might help. Will the NFL ban not just the n-word, but also the f-word? No, not that f-word, the other f-word. And if they do, will there be any words left for players to use on the field? NASA found new planets. And not just a couple. 715 of them. Set your DVRs. An extreme athlete will be jumping off the top of Mount Everest in May, and the Discovery Channel is going to broadcast it. What could possibly go wrong? If you’ve ever thought – “How can I fit a gun purchase into my already hectic schedule?” – don’t worry. You can buy a gun on Facebook in just 15 minutes. It goes without saying that sending a naked photo of yourself to someone’s mom is risky. It’s especially risky if you’re sexting the mom of these three brothers. On a lighter note, be sure to check out this live stream of an eagle caring for her young, via Reddit.