Federal Agency Tells Employees: No More Feces in the Hallway

While we remain a divided and deeply partisan country, there’s at least one kind of government waste we could probably all get behind, uh, expunging.

In a memo that would seem equally at home in a kindergarten classroom, management at the EPA’s Denver office reportedly requested staff stop inappropriate bathroom behavior, notably including a demand that an employee stop leaving feces in the hallway.

GovExec obtained the email, sent to staff by Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor, which reportedly refers to “several incidents” of restroom mischief in the office, including “an individual placing feces in the hallway” outside an office bathroom.

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Federal managers reached out to workplace violence consultant John Nicoletti—because really, how else would they know this was weird?—who reportedly advised the agency that leaving feces in your workplace hallway is in fact a “very dangerous” health hazard and also kind of poor form in general.

Nicoletti added the offender is likely to “escalate” their actions, so this may not be the last we hear of the EPA’s fecal bandit.

Employees at the office can take some solace in the fact they don’t work for The Social Security Administration Office of Disability Operation in Baltimore, where staffers filed numerous complaints about a colleague’s flatulence and the “terrible smell” associated with it.