The village idiocy

Every now and then, Bostonians should gird their loins and test their mettle in the alien jungle beyond the city limits. Think Frodo and "The Lord of the Rings." Toward this end, the Observer chose last week to strike out deep in the heart of the darkest suburbs -- Newton.

Newton has always fascinated me. We urban dwellers grasp that the burbs have neighborhoods, just like us, and maybe even multiple ZIP codes, too. But Newton is off the charts in this regard.

The place is rife with city states. Let's see, you've got your Newton Centre, Newton Corner, Newtonville, West Newton, Newton Highlands, Newton Upper Falls, Newton Lower Falls, Chestnut Hill, Nonantum, Oak Hill, Waban, and Auburndale. All but Newton Corner and Oak Hill have their own ZIP code. (It's a moveable feast. Mayor David Cohen also throws in Oak Hill Park.)

There's more. I forgot Thompsonville. Anybody know where Thompsonville is? I didn't think so. As you battle traffic past the Chestnut Hill Mall heading west on Route 9, the tiresome Atrium Mall looms on your left. On your right, there is an exit that provides a U-turn back toward said mall. As you take it, there is a small green sign that says, "Thompsonville."

The Observer stops to reconnoitre. I ask the woman behind the counter at Atrium Dry Cleaners and Tailors, mere yards from the sign, whether she knows where Thompsonville is. She shakes her head. "You're in it," I inform her. (Cohen assures me that the people who live in the neighborhood, which extends toward Newton Centre and falls within its ZIP code, all know what to call the ground under their feet.)

Cohen, by the way, has in his capacious office the Rosetta stone to unlock the mysteries of Newton. It is a giant map behind his desk, inlaid into the wall of the building when it was constructed in 1932, that outlines the city limits and pinpoints the various villages. It resembles, on first glance, Africa, with Nonantum up roughly where Libya belongs. It is painted in dark blue and green, and one expects to read somewhere on it "There Be Dragons."

Some of these settlements sprang up with the railroads, I'm told. Who cares? This history makes the situation no less bizarre today. Cohen ticks off each of the ZIP codes, starting with 02458 for Nontanum, Newton Corner, and Newton, all the way to Waban's 02468. (There is no 02463 for reasons best known to the US Postal Service.)

Whoa. Newton? Does a plain, vanilla Newton even exist amid the legion of city states? Yes. Okay, where? Cohen concedes it's tricky. "There are just a few streets," he says, "Dorr Road, Magnolia." Pause. "It's a judgment call."

Cohen also solves the great Chestnut Hill mystery. Chestnut Hill is, first and foremost, a state of mind. Everyone wants a piece of it, despite the opprobrium for all of the world's ills heaped on the WASPs who have called it home for more than a century. Developers want WASP karma for their condos, parents want it for their kids' schools and for their own backhands.

This is why, for example, you've got "The Residences at Chestnut Hill" across Route 9 from Thompsonville. Never mind that this monster housing play is not even in the Chestnut Hill ZIP code, notes Cohen. (I rather like "The Residences Near Thompsonville.")

And don't forget the shopping center called "The Village at Chestnut Hill" way the hell down on the VFW Parkway in West Roxbury. Isn't this a more egregious case of name theft? I mean, the Chestnut Hill post office is nestled behind the grass courts at Longwood Cricket Club, in Brookline no less. Not really, explains Cohen, because Chestnut Hill "The ZIP Code" extends all the way down the eastern side of Newton to the West Roxbury border. (Chestnut Hill also has a piece of Brighton along with its swathes of Brookline and Newton.)

But enough WASP. Inside the main entrance to Newton City Hall is a proud new exhibition honoring the 13 Jewish winners of the Medal of Honor and sponsored by Jewish War Veterans Newton Post 211 and the Museum of Jewish Military History in Washington. (There will be a special ceremony there Wednesday.)

George Marshall, quartermaster of Post 211, tells me that the post has won an award each of the past two years for drawing the most new members of any Jewish War Veterans post under 100 members in the country, and is moving briskly toward a hat trick this year. Mazel tov.

Newton comprises 18.154 square miles, but you feel like Magellan when circumnavigating it. You take in the monster homes on West Newton Hill. They're the real thing, unlike today's tacky trophy homes. (The great unwashed take delight as we drive past to ponder what it takes to heat them.) Newton Upper Falls, on the other hand, seems like the dark side of the moon.

Nonantum, known as "The Lake" for the body of water that used to be there, is my favorite. A lot of the guys like Joe Cotioci over at the Sons of Italy on Adams Street think Nonantum, not Newton, when they think of home.

The rest of Newton could use some of this chauvinism. All of the city states should compete against one another in blood sport. I can see it now, like Sparta and Athens: Newtonville vs. Waban for the All-City Pilates Championship.

Sam Allis can be reached at allis@globe.com.