occer players and fans say they want more media coverage of their sport in the United States. I like soccer, but as I've told you many times, I can see the sports future. So please excuse me as I grab my megaphone and shout a few warnings to a noisy crowd of soccer lovers:
''You don't want the press/radio/TV coverage you're asking for ... Trust me; I am one of them ... Your sport is fine the way it is ... Just be grateful that you don't have to ...''
I know. They don't hear me.
The Women's World Cup will end Saturday in Pasadena, Calif., when the United States and China play for the gold at the Rose Bowl. If 80,000 fans attend - as expected - Team USA will be able to say that it took only six dates for it to draw more than 400,000 fans. Compare that with the sorry Montreal Expos, who have attracted 386,695 masochists to 44 games.
That's good, but it doesn't mean Americans have soccer in their souls like the citizens of Brazil, Italy, and all of Africa. If you care about futbol, you should be happy about that. Your sport is an international force, gets decent American ratings in a baseball-football-basketball-hockey culture, has eight million young women playing the sport in the States, and has moderate (as well as refreshing) media coverage.
Still don't believe me, do you? Well, let's go to the future. Let's see what Mia Hamm, Briana Scurry, coach Tony DiCicco, and the rest of the Yanks would have to face if soccer were one of America's Big Four ...
Stuart Scott: ''Now watch the crazy hops of goalkeeper Briana Scurry in the 53rd minute against the Chinese. Boo-ya! Ma Yuanan, coach of China, thinks his team has a goal, but Scurry makes the ill save and goes Flipmode: Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma ... Wooh-Hah! She got y'all all in check! Ooooh, Ma-mi. Don't hate the player, hate the game.''
Bob Ryan (writing about the 50 greatest soccer players of all time): ''If Earth were faced with a one-match, winner-take-all soccer match against an alien invader, the loser going into servitude for eternity, my first pick for our squad would be a healthy - I said healthy - Michelle Akers, the ultimate control tower at both ends of the pitch. Frankly, it's a very easy call.''
John Sterling, the apoplectic New York announcer: ''Yankees win! Thuhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yankees win!''
Peter Vecsey: ''Well, Hannah, my sources tell me that if Tony DiCicco can't win tonight or at least guide his team to a shootout, he will be fired. There is a belief in the organization that Team USA could average a whopping three goals per match if DiCicco started energetic forward Shannon MacMillan.''
The Fabulous Sports Babe: ''Hey, darlin'. Come on in here and have a seat. For those who just joined us, I'm here with Team USA midfielder Joy Fawcett. Now, sugar, we know you're a mother of two. So there's been a lot of speculation out there. For the record, are you pregnant again?''
Chris Berman: ''Welcome to Women's World Cup prime time. Let's start with Mia Hamm on the right side of the pitch. She ... could ... go ... all ... the ... but no, she passes to Julie `96 Degrees and Partly' Foudy. She ... could ... go ... but no. She sends a cross to Brandi `You Need Some Bleach To Remove That' Chastain. She dishes to Michelle `A Mule and 40' Akers, who scores.''
Ben Wright: ''The reason women don't play soccer as effectively as men is ...''
Ben Wright II: ''What I really said was ...''
Ben Wright III: ''Please forward my final paycheck to ...''
Keith Jackson: ''Brazil's Maravilha has the ball and ... FUMBLE!''
Talk Radio Caller: ''I mean, we've been waiting for something to happen with this team since 1918. I'm tired of hearing this small-market garbage. Yeah, DiCicco is 98-8-7 in his career, but I want to see him win the big one. If this team had No. 42 on the pitch, we'd be able to compete with the Chinese and Brazilians every year.''
Craig Sager (interviewing a soccer lottery pick on draft night): ''Your boyfriend broke up with you; you left college after two years because your family needed the money; you've been accused of improper dealings with an agent. Tell me, how do you feel?''
Barbara Walters: ''How do you feel?''
Roy Firestone: ''How do you feel?''
Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan (in unison): ''This is how she feels ...''
John Madden: ''Boom. Now let me circle Michelle Akers here. She's on my All-Madden Team. Look at the scars on her knees. She's one of the most physical soccer players I've ever seen. She's had 12 knee surgeries in 14 years. And she can still put the ball in the upper 90, too. She was giving me the business before the match because I don't have her rated high enough on my new soccer game, `Madden 2000.' ''
Bill Walton: ''What a disgraceful yellow card against Elane of Brazil.''
Robin Roberts: ''Now we go to Dick Vitale and his soccer report. Dick?''
Vitale: ''Mia, Mia! Even a one-eyed old man like me can see that she's a Prime Time Player, baybee! She can mark, she can cross, she can make her penalty kicks. Like Lionel Ritchie said, `All Night Long,' bay-bee ...''
Michael Holley: ''Blah, blah, blah, blah ...''
