Narrowly defining a president

In just a few weeks, we will have to choose a president. There are so many factors in play. You can consider our national security, the quality of schools, and so on. Or feel free to vote for the candidate who makes you feel most comfortable, manipulating the levers of power in the proverbial Big Chair.

But what about the narrower issues that people really care about? Which candidate could convince Michael Chiklis to commit to two more seasons of "The Shield"? Or prevail upon Kenny G to stop touring? Who would offer a presidential pardon to the many rap "artists" unjustly incarcerated? Will Tom Brady's knee heal more quickly under the Republicans or the Democrats?

The website wired.com introduced the notion of a super-specific litmus test, when it posed the perfectly sensible question: Who would be better for rock 'n' roll? Who knew that there is a powerful Van Halen mojo suffusing the GOP ticket? Beauty queen turned Republican party gal Sarah Palin gave one of her children the middle name "Van," so it would rhyme with Van Halen, and John McCain played Van Halen's "Right Now" after announcing his choice for running mate.

Wired disdains (as do I, though for different reasons) Senator Joe Biden for his pro-industry stand on "ripping" - i.e. stealing - music from CDs. They further rip Biden for supporting the "RAVE Act - a nightmare of a law that was apparently intended in part as a way to charge crack house owners for illegal activity taking place on their premises, but which has resulted in nightclub owners and rave organizers being arrested for merely hosting parties."

Wired being Wired, they are obliged to call Obama "the clearly preferable choice" for president, because, they say, "he has all sorts of decent stuff on his iPod - Stevie Wonder, Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen, Jay-Z and Bob Dylan." Huh? Those remind me of that great Jeff Goldblum line from "The Big Chill": "Don't you have any other music, you know, from this century?" McCain is stuck defending ABBA, but he does so quite deftly: "Everybody says they hate ABBA. How come everybody goes to 'Mamma Mia!'?" It pains me to admit that I, too, enjoyed "Mamma Mia!"

The New York Post endorsed McCain almost two full months before the election, presumably because he will be good for tabloids. I think so! The Post has already slapped PALIN TEEN BABY SHOCK and BOAR WAR (the "lipstick on a pig" controversy) on Page 1, in addition to several other gotcha shockers. There is no doubt that McCain and Palin will serve up plenty of dish for the Posties in the weeks and months to come, but don't count out Obama yet.

Which candidate will be better for animals? I asked People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals to set me straight. PETA's Heather Carlson explained that "As a . . . nonprofit organization, PETA is prohibited from participating in any political campaigns or endorsing or opposing a particular candidate or party." She did add that "PETA opposes any activity that causes intentional harm to animals, including hunting and fishing."

Hunting . . . fishing . . . flensing whale blubber on Christmas vacation. I wonder who they are thinking of? Which brings me to

The Sarah Palin-dromes

I'm not declaring the Palin-drome contest over quite yet, but get a load of these generally excellent entries: "Evil deified live" - ouch!; David Rozenson's "Lo Wasilla, all is AWOL" was also pretty good. You shouldn't have to explain wordplay, but here's Will Murphy's entry anyway: "Palin? I trample - help! Martini lap. . ." Murphy explains: "The idea being that if Palin becomes vice president I will need to lap up a stiff drink (and then some)."

Northeastern University student Eric Greenberg weighed in with, "Women veep's peev'n 'em, ow," which I liked. From faraway Merida, in the Yucatan, Elizabeth Burke sent me the slightly opaque: "Evil Star! Come! Do some mama memos! O Democrats Live!" George Lovely of Milton sent in three excellent palindromes, of which the best was, "Yo, sure hot, top spot to her? U.S. Oy!" For now, he is the presumptive winner.

In a touching gesture of bipartisanship, Carl Saras, whose last name is a palindrome, offered up a piece of Latin erudition: "Obama amabo," or "I will love Obama."

Impressive work, one and all! I'll announce the winner anon.

Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.