If Mr. Fussy is elected...

John Kerry is a tool of Big Labor. President George W. Bush is a tool of Big Business. Mr. Fussy is contemplating a presidential run, behind the catchy slogan: "I Am a Tool For You." My platform so far:

Eliminate the First Amendment. It was great while it lasted, but it has outlived its usefulness.

Absent the First, we could immediately tear down every billboard in America. We could limit presidential campaign spending to $50,000 per state per four-year election cycle. Better yet, we could incarcerate Al Franken, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Alan Dershowitz, and Michael Moore in a special preserve not far from the airport in Orlando, Fla. We'll call it First Amendment World, and take high school history students through on tours to watch the erstwhile abusers of free speech yap at one another. It will provide an instructive lesson in the difference between freedom and license.

Combat the high cost of framing. Mr. Fussy remembers self-framing -- did that get eliminated in the Reagan Revolution? I recently consigned two pictures to a "picture framing superstore" headquartered in a town whose names rhymes with "Shame-ingham." The bill came to $300. It's amazing that there is any money left over for the liberation of Iraq. Wait -- Iraq has been liberated. Never mind.

Cede Vermont to Canada. It's time. Eastern Canada needs some decent ski resorts, and Vermonters are tired of all the hassles of getting to Cuba for spring vacation. "Independent" Congressman Bernie Sanders can work in a country where people take looney-tune lefties seriously. Special bonus for Howard Dean -- another run at the roses. Yarrrgh!

I promise to create a Cabinet that looks like "Survivor." I'll have a token senior citizen, a token African American, a token gay, a token Asian-American woman, and even a token "farmer" prancing about in overalls. They'll all be eliminated, early in my administration, and straight white Americans will end up calling the shots.

English will be restored as the official language of the United States, and the American Heritage Usage Panel will be granted broad subpoena and enforcement powers. I will outline certain basic themes in my Inaugural Address: Phrases like "going forward" and "it's in their corporate DNA" will be eliminated. The adverbs "arguably," "memorably," and "famously" will be decommissioned. The panel, under my guidance, will launch long-overdue investigations into the cliches "to trust implicitly" and "it goes without saying." If it goes without . . . well, you get the point.

No one under 35 and over 55 years of age will be allowed to drive, with the possible exception of certain ex-presidents. I'm sorry, but the century-long bumper-car experiment is coming to an end. NASCAR races may continue without interruption. Like all the other candidates, I will pretend to be enamored of this brutish and mindless "sport."

Also, use of the bumper sticker "ACK," which cool people recognize as the airport code for Nantucket, will be banned. Instead, ACK-olytes must display the following message in a highly visible place on their Lexus, BMW, or Audi: "Would you like to know how rich I am? I'm so rich that I can afford to summer on Nantucket with Jack Welch, Tim Russert, and John Kerry."

My post-presidential memoir will observe a statute of longitude. I will summarize my term -- or terms -- in office in a few quick chapters: Score-Settling; Peccadilloes; Why the Speaker of the House Should Go on a Diet; What Idiots My Opponents Were; How Unworthy Is My Successor; and Why I Opposed President Schwarzenegger's Austrian Anschluss. I promise to say all that in 250 pages or less. If there's any space left, I'll add an extremely brief afterword: Incorruptible Congressmen I Have Known.

Likewise, as a former, deceased president, I'll insist upon a statute of lamentations. My funeral service, which will feature only the traditional hymn "For All the Saints" and no molasses-paced renditions of "Amazing Grace," will be short and sweet. No taxpayer-financed 747s will lumber into the air with a handful of passengers aboard. There'll be no bicoastal catafalque commuting, no hypocritical speechifying, and no showy blubbering along prearranged camera sight lines. I dare say there'll be many a dry eye in attendance.

Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.