In Netherlands, slow road advised for gay marriage

AMSTERDAM -- In a comfortable, modern neighborhood here built for family living, the couple sat together on their beige couch, proudly showing a visitor their wedding album.

Sharing snapshots and memories of that day in 2001, they simultaneously managed to keep up a magnetic fishing game with their two children, Myrthle, 2, and Nathan, 3, the kind of casual multitasking that only parents used to the chaotic rhythm of child-rearing can pull off.

They politely corrected each other about the details of how they first met on a blind date, and completed each other's sentences as they recounted how quickly everything fell into place for them to marry and start a family.

"We're like any other family. We work. We go shopping. We take the kids to school. We feed the ducks. We're teaching the children to say their prayers at night," said Anne Marie Thus, 34. "We are ordinary people. You might even say we are boring."

The pace of life, the things they want for their family certainly seem ordinary, but this couple also shares a moment in history. Anne Marie Thus and her wife, Helene Fassen, 37, were the first lesbian couple in the world to be officially married when the Netherlands became the first country in the world to permit gay marriage nearly three years ago.

The political narrative of how the Netherlands came to accept the idea of gay marriage, and make it a legal reality for Thus and Fassen and about 6,000 other gay couples since April 1, 2001, offers lessons for both sides of the emotional debate in the United States.

Thus and Fassen, along with several prominent politicians who wrote the Dutch legislation, offer words of caution to American advocates of gay marriage. They warn that America, particularly Massachusetts and California, should not move too fast. As Thus put it: "Americans need to spend more time talking about it."

These Dutch proponents of gay marriage recommend that their American counterparts take more time to help the wider population see the issue from their perspective, and then let voters have their say. Otherwise, they say, the religious right will polarize the debate and tie it up for years.

At the same time, some opponents have acknowledged that in the three years since gay marriage became a reality here, the institution of marriage has not collapsed, as many religious leaders and conservative politicians warned it would.

Thus far, specialists in domestic law, legislators, and some religious commentators say there is no empirical evidence of damage to the institution. For example, divorce rates are no higher, and there is no sign that conventional couples are shunning marriage.

Martin Van Mourek, a professor of family law at Nijmegen University, a Catholic institution, said a bitter aftertaste remains from the public dialogue, in which he and others who opposed gay marriage were portrayed as bigots in the media and in the parliamentary debate.

"In America, I hope that those who believe the institution of marriage is a sacrament for men and women will have more courage to speak out to defend it, and not allow the opposition to paint them as intolerant in doing so. Don't let the debate get polarized. Be sure all of the voices are heard," he cautioned.

Henk Krol, the editor of Gay Krant, a fortnightly newspaper for gay people, and the man who defined the debate in the Netherlands, likes to say, "We don't have gay marriage in this country; we just have marriage."

"We don't want to put people in a separate box," added Krol. "We are very proud to be the first country in the world to have done this, and now I am working all over the world to help other countries."

Krol, who has met with leaders of the gay community in Massachusetts in recent years and is heading to South America to lobby there, says he believes gay communities must find ways to put the issue on the national agenda, but must also be careful not to push too fast and alienate people.

"In politics things have to happen at their own pace," he said.

Belgium last year became the only other country that allows same-sex marriage. Several European countries, including Denmark, France, and Germany, allow gay men and lesbians to join in civil unions, which provide many of the same rights as marriage but are easier to dissolve. Like most issues in Europe, gay marriage is most often addressed nationally, rather than on a state or city level.

A slow but steady approach succeeded in the Netherlands through a 15-year national dialogue that ended in achieving equal rights in personal relationships.

It began with a series of court challenges in 1985 by gay couples to "cohabitation contracts," which offered limited rights. In 1990 the courts referred the issue to the politicians, and legislation gradually gave more rights under the cohabitation contracts.

A ruling coalition of liberal parties passed a law in 1997 that created "registered partnerships" open to hetero- and homosexual couples, guaranteeing nearly all of the same rights, such as inheritance, pension and health benefits, and eventually parental rights. The law made the Netherlands the most progressive country in the world for equal rights in relationships.

Over the next three years, opinion polls began to suggest that a majority in the Netherlands saw no reason to deny gay and lesbian couples the full rights afforded by civil marriage.

In late 2000, Parliament voted, 109-to-31, to allow gay marriage as of April 1, 2001. At midnight, Thus and Fassen and three male couples all tied the knot in Amsterdam's City Hall, the first time that homosexual couples were legally married.

Since then, about 2 percent of marriages in the Netherlands have been between same-sex couples, according to data from the government statistics bureau. In 2002, there were 1,838 same-sex marriages out of 85,808 marriages nationwide, the latest figures available. The total was about evenly divided between male and female couples. Another 740 gay couples opted for a registered partnership, still available to all as an alternative to marriage.

One of the pivotal politicians who made all this happen was Job Cohen, a former deputy justice minister. Cohen said he had long believed that marriage was exclusively between a man and a woman, a sacrament grounded in 2,000 years of Judeo-Christian history.

In discussions with gay friends, "they convinced me that everyone should have the same right to take part in marriage, that they have the right to take part in something that is not just a legal contract, but something holy," he said. "If person A loves person B, that is really all that matters."

Cohen wrote the legislation that passed. And when the law took effect, Cohen, by then mayor of Amsterdam, presided over the first gay marriage ceremony.

"I was already rationally convinced, but at that moment when those couples were married, I was emotionally convinced as well," he said.

Cohen also advises American supporters to take a slower, more deliberate strategy.

"There may be a step that needs to be taken before gay marriage, which is to create equal institutions within civil unions, as you call them. The equalization of the laws [in 1997] on our registered partnerships, as we call them, helped many people, including myself, to turn the corner and see this is an issue of equality," he said.

For Louis Rogmans, 63, and Ton Jansen, 72, who were also married by Cohen on that first day, marriage has meant a lot but has had little impact on how they live. Some practical aspects are very important to them. For example, Jansen said his pension from his years as the chief nurse of an anesthesia department "will now go to Louis."

"What makes you think you're going first?" asked Rogmans.

They are immensely proud of the achievements of the gay community.

"Marriage seemed so far away. I honestly can say I never thought it would be possible, not in our lifetime. And then suddenly it was there," said Jansen, who has been with Rogmans for 37 years.

Both men agreed that in America, the movement seemed to be outpacing the public.

"I think it unwise to push it too much. Americans who favor gay marriage would be smart to keep it out of the newspapers for a while. Don't give Bush a chance to use it for his reelection," said Jansen.

"Yes, they really should slow down," added Rogmans.

The Netherlands has a unique place in the world, with its capital city, Amsterdam, widely viewed as perhaps the single most tolerant and open in the world.

Prostitution is legal, as is marijuana, and tourists flock to brothels and hash bars. But the heartland of the Netherlands is more socially conservative and religious.

Nearly 40 percent of Dutch people say they have no religious affiliation. About one-third identify themselves as Catholic, and the rest Protestant, with the largest segment identifying with the very liberal Dutch Reformed Church, which supports same-sex marriage.

"Approving gay marriage does not mean the beginning of Sodom and Gomorrah," said Fassen, who grew up Catholic and still feels an emotional attachment to her faith even though she disagrees with the church's stand on many issues, especially same-sex marriage.

"People are afraid to give up values, and they don't know where it is taking them. But we are a very traditional family. We are sending our children to religious schools. We are actually very conservative in almost every sense of what we want for our kids," added Fassen.

"Maybe that is why marriage was so important to us. We wanted our relationship recognized in front of our families. It's an emotional thing, a belief that marriage is forever. That's why you say, `Til death do us part.' "

Charles Sennott can be reached at sennott@globe.com.