'The NFL Network' truly is fantasy football

The NFL Network will debut.

Yes, those were chills running up your spine. And those are goose bumps on your arms. And that's your wife standing there, mouth open, in utter disbelief. I believe she just said, "You even think about subscribing to The NFL Network and you can move in with your Uncle Henry."

Ah, but she'll come around once she catches a glimpse of "NFL Total Access," whether it be the 7 a.m. version or any of the repeat editions the following 12 hours. And if that doesn't hook her, surely "NFL Football Follies" will make her cry and "Point After: Sounds of the Game" will make her cancel her book club date.

The opening kickoff of this network fully dedicated to the NFL will be 8 p.m. -- EST, of course -- and it should take you less than an hour to wonder how you've ever lived without it. Just about anyone who's anyone inside the sacred pigskin world will be part of the programming -- from Solomon Wilcots to Sterling Sharpe to Glenn Parker to Mike Ditka to Marv Levy to Jerry Glanville to Sam Wyche (OK, forget we mentioned Wyche). Heck, even Warren Sapp has come aboard (You can hear them now, "Hey, Warren, you're a bad dude, hitting all those officials, so we're fining you $50,000. Now, would you like to work for our TV network?"), as has every ex-coach in the history of the game.

All right, the programming is a little thin right now, but so is ESPN's and those knuckleheads have been at it for 24 years. The folks at The NFL Network have had to stretch their imagination to come up with stuff like "NFL Team Huddle: Arizona Cardinals," a one-hour episode devoted to the franchise's two most successful seasons. (Actually, the best two seasons were 6-10 and 5-11, so producers cut the show to 18 minutes.) That's why they are soliciting suggestions from fans throughout the country on what they'd like to see for programming, so here are some from me:

"ID the QB" would be a panel show with Troy Aikman, Boomer Esiason, and Phil Simms, and the idea would be for a lucky studio guest each week to correctly tell you which one is which.

"Ducking With Deion" would be a half-hour show hosted by Deion Sanders. He would look at the previous weekend's action and highlight plays in which missed tackles cost teams dearly.

"Fantasy Football" will be devoted not to the silly, imaginary teams for fans in rotisserie leagues, but to the silly, imaginary things fans long for. Fans from Detroit, for instance, would talk about their dreams of a winning team and fans in Cleveland could talk about a day at the stadium without drunks and criminal behavior. You know, true fantasy stuff.

The picks

Carolina (-6 1/2) at Houston -- Texans quarterback David Carr is out with a high right ankle sprain. I don't want to say I have short legs, but when I get a high right ankle sprain, it's usually my right knee. Pick: Panthers.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (-8) -- Speaking of spreads that number eight, that's the average distance between Dunkin' Donuts stops in Greater Boston -- eight steps, that is. Pick: Saints.

Washington at Dallas (-4) -- Only in the NFL could this happen. The Redskins need help at quarterback, but couldn't persuade Danny Wuerffel to leave the ministry. They were able to come to terms, however, with defensive tackle Darrell Russell, whose past imperfections (he violated the league's substance abuse policy twice) were even too much for the dastardly Raiders. Pick: Cowboys.

Jacksonville at Baltimore (-7) -- It could be too many points to give. It could be too few points to get. It's certainly too much time thinking about it. Pick: Ravens.

Philadelphia (-4 1/2) at Atlanta -- Coach Dan Reeves has had it. Six straight losses, during which time his team has allowed 207 points, a robust 34.5 per game. He's furious. So he's benched his starting secondary. The good news is, that medication is doing wonders for his cholesterol. Pick: Eagles.

Indianapolis at Miami (-3) -- Brian Griese will remain at quarterback for the Dolphins. Edgerrin James seems to be rounding into top form for the Colts. Good for the Dolphins, good for the Colts. But right now I'm more concerned with what they've done with the $20 bill. It appears they've poured gold paint all over Andrew Jackson. Pick: Colts.

Pittsburgh at Seattle (-4 1/2) -- At 2-5, their worst start since going 1-6 in '88, the Steelers have allowed an average of 338 yards the last three games. It's more like the "Aluminum Foil Curtain" these days. Pick: Seahawks.

San Diego at Chicago (-2 1/2) -- There is the "physically-unable-to-perform" (PUP) list for players and the "mentally unable to care" (MUC) list for fans. I'm MUC for this matchup. Pick: Bears.

NY Giants (-2 1/2) at NY Jets -- I'm not taking a snub by Giants coach Jim Fassel personally. He laughed at the play I drew up on a napkin, the one where I suggested he let the Vikings block a punt, then have someone on the Giants scoop up the ball and run for a first down. But that's exactly the play that was called in last week's stunning win over the Vikings. Jeff Feagles's punt was blocked in the fourth quarter, but Wesly Mallard -- just as I had drawn it, around the spilled ice cream -- picked it up and ran 20 yards for a first down that enabled the Giants to overcome a 17-16 deficit. Funny, but Fassel has called a few times this week, looking for other brilliant moves -- but he'll have to wait. Pick: Giants.

Oakland (-3) at Detroit -- Rich Gannon is out, Marques Tuiasosopo is in at quarterback for the Raiders. That's right, Marques Tuiasosopo, who certainly is proof positive that vowels are essential. If not for vowels, his name would be Mrqs Tssp, which translated means, "measure a quality teaspoon," and what kind of name would that be? Pick: Lions.

St. Louis (-3) at San Francisco -- Owen Pochman was waived, having missed five field goal tries in two weeks. Todd Peterson has been signed, the 49ers' ninth kicker in nine years. If Peterson fails, the 49er brain trust concedes they're down to looking at anyone currently kicking for the Rockettes. Pick: 49ers.

Cincinnati (-3) at Arizona -- Corey Dillon got into a car accident driving to the Bengals-Seahawks game last week, was late, and ended up on the inactive list. What a year for him. Can't start. Can't run. Can't play. Can't drive. Pick: Cardinals.

Green Bay at Minnesota (-4 1/2) -- Here's a wild guess: We'll have at least two instances where Brett Favre and Chris Hovan get in each other's face. Then, to compound things, we'll have Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire in our ears. Pick: Vikings.

New England at Denver (-2) -- You know those youth soccer games, when your team has 10 players and the other side has only four, so you loan them a few to make it an even game? Well, when Danny Kanell gets hurt, the Patriots have to send over Damon Huard and he leads the Broncos to a shocking win. Pick: Broncos.

Last week: 7-7, but if it were the NHL, I could lose in OT and still get a point.

Season: 56-56-3, though if you factor in the wind chill and humidity, it's more like 75-37-3.