Want a few tips? Here's a little guide
Intelligent, thoughtful, and articulate, Terry Francona was introduced to Boston yesterday as the 44th manager of the Red Sox (the Sox have had one more manager than the United States has had presidents). Francona was extremely well prepared and characterized Dec. 4, 2003 as, "the most exciting day of my baseball life."
It was all good, of course. It's always all good on the first day. But there was something a little frightening about the session. The enthusiastic new manager did everything but tell us he was "pumped and jacked." Come to think of it, there were times when Son of Tito sounded like Daddy Butch.
The new skipper is a players' guy and we all understand that you have to be something of a players' guy in 2003 because the old ways of Dick Williams and Dallas Green wouldn't work today. But Pete Carroll and Butch Hobson were two local top guns who got shot down because they treated their players like men and the young men walked all over them. Francona shared the same reputation when he managed the Phillies and many of his comments yesterday indicate that he'll be plenty receptive when Manny calls to say he flew home to Florida because his mom needs a ride to church.
Managing the Red Sox in 2004 promises to be one of the great challenges in hardball history. The team is loaded with talent, but nothing short of a World Series victory will satisfy the championship-starved fandom. Francona said he welcomes the expectations. He said he loves the passion and he welcomed the inevitable second-guessing.
We welcome him. As part of that welcome, here's a clip-and-save guide to managing the 2004 Red Sox -- an invaluable memo that no doubt will be taped to the Francona fridge throughout next season.
Want to succeed in our town, Terry? Here's all you have to do:
Get caller ID on your cellphone and accept any calls from B. James in the 816 (Kansas City) area code.
Smash every radio in your home and listen to books-on-tape when you are driving to work.
Never apologize to Jack McKeon.
Ask for another jersey number. You donned No. 16 yesterday, but that's the jersey worn by Joe Kerrigan -- also by Bill Buckner briefly in 1984.
Wallpaper your office with scouting reports, spreadsheets, and pages of the Baseball Abstract. Ask John Henry where you can get more data.
Send Pedro's dad a birthday card in mid-February and don't expect to see your ace until the birthday festivities are complete in the Dominican Republic.
Name Jason Varitek captain.
Do not start a single sentence with "Terry Francona thinks . . ."
Immediately bench anybody who fails to run out a grounder to the mound.
Get tossed by the umps once in a while.
No days off for your superstars when the Sox are playing the Yankees.
Read Bob Rodgers's guide to managing high school baseball.
If you take to jogging with one of your superstars, see if he's wearing his headphones before you give him any advice.
Tell Trot Nixon "no" if he asks to go home to light the torch at the Wilmington, N.C., goofy games.
Hire a college student to surgically remove baseball stories from your daily newspapers.
If somebody refuses to pinch hit, call him out in front of the entire team.
Have Curt Schilling locker next to Pedro.
Send spies to the Ritz when Enrique Wilson is in town.
Hire Don Zimmer as a bench coach.
Do not ignore your ballplayers if they are standing on the dugout steps, wearing letters that spell the name of an opponent in a bush league attempt to incite the crowd.
Don't tell us your players are thinking about Bill Buckner.
Respect the RemDawg. No matter what happens, he'll be more popular than you.
Never wear a wild-card champion T-shirt.
Take out your own lineup card before the games.
Don't speak to Nomar. He gets things done fine all by himself and he hates to be bothered.
Pretend not to notice if an anti-Yankees chant breaks out when you are attending church.
Shave your head when the playoffs start . . . (never mind, you've got that one covered already).
Take Pedro out before the start of the eighth.
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. His e-mail address is dshaughnessy@globe.com.
