Not buying their act
A-Rod gives the Yankees embarrassment of riches
I recently was rereading Milton Friedman's 1957 epic, "A Theory of the Consumption Function," in which the famed economist was advocating a steady growth in the money supply, when I came across a passage I had not noticed before. "On the other hand," Friedman wrote, "The New York Yankees should not be allowed to spend freely."
You tell 'em, bro.
Alex Rodriguez now has traveled from Seattle to Texas to New York, reminding us of a simple truth: In America, the shortest distance between two points is money.
And speaking of money, there really is no reason in our free-market economy that those dreaded, despicable, damn Yankees shouldn't be allowed to write blank checks anywhere and everywhere to stockpile the best group of players they can. The rest of us can just root against them harder.
This doesn't mean I wasn't upset upon first hearing that A-Rod was Bronx-bound. The Yankees are getting better? This would be like the von Trapp family adopting Lena Horne. Sure, the Yankees gave up Alfonso Soriano, a fine player, but in return they got perhaps the best player in the game. How is this possible? Imagine the Beatles, at the top of their game, dumping Ringo Starr and acquiring Gene Krupa.
So now the Yankees -- and I want to remind everybody how hard we'll be rooting against them, not that we're going to root instead for the Red Sox, whose always-whining, forever-cursed, oh-woe-is-us fan base makes them an Evil Empire of a different stripe -- have Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter on the left side of their infield.
Rodriguez and Jeter on the same side of the infield. You've got to be kidding me.
It's like having Monet and Manet teach art at the Sorbonne. Or having Emeril Lagasse and Martha Stewart cater your wedding reception. Or having Atticus Finch and Johnnie Cochran on retainer. Or having Bozo the Clown and Ronald McDonald at your birthday party.
Still, despite George Steinbrenner's latest bid to buy a World Series, it might not happen. Yeah, he has a fantasy lineup, including A-Rod, Jeter, Kenny Lofton, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Hideki Matsui, Bernie Williams, and Jorge Posada. But back in '74, director Sidney Lumet rounded up Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Martin Balsam, Ingrid Bergman, Jacqueline Bisset, Sean Connery, John Gielgud, and Vanessa Redgrave for "Murder on the Orient Express," and even though it was a decent flick, it's not as if they were walking down the aisle one after another on Oscar night. Not to mention, the Yankees can line up sluggers from here to Staten Island, but where's the pitching?
I mean, just think if you went camping in the desert wilderness and brought a tent and a sleeping bag and a gas stove and a backpack and a hatchet and a matchbook and a lantern and a compass and a portable shovel and a butane lighter and a 12-gauge shotgun and a Swiss Army knife and some bug repellent -- but you forgot to bring any water.
Well, Steinbrenner went on a shopping spree for a title. BUT HE FORGOT TO BUY PITCHING!!!
The Yankees have no lefthanded starting pitchers. Is The Boss going to find them on
They say that money can't buy happiness. That's not necessarily true -- if you've been to Two Bunch Palms for the mud baths, you know what I mean -- but in this case, all I'm counting on is that money can't buy another pennant.
(By the way, no matter how hard you look in Milton Friedman's book for the sentence I cite at the top, you will not find it. I made it up because, well, it was the best way to start my column on an otherwise dreary afternoon. Go Royals and Twins!)
Ask The Slouch
Q. How long will it take John Daly to blow the $864,000 he won at the Buick Invitational on cocktails, women, and gambling? (Randy Mayher, North Royalton, Ohio)
A. Even without the booze and the broads, I know I could run through the $864,000 during a bad layover in Reno.
Q. Bill Clinton was impeached for lying to a grand jury; Chris Webber was suspended for three games for lying to a grand jury. Who got it worse? (Jonathan Fisher, Arlington, Va.)
A. Oh, that's easy -- Webber. Clinton played right through his impeachment.
Q. In your opinion, will the recent Maurice Clarett ruling lead to a stampede of 2-year-old horses trying to enter the Kentucky Derby? (Donald P. Yorko, Cleveland)
A. Your buck twenty-five is waiting for you at the will-call window at Thistledown.
Q. What do you regard as the greatest invention of all time? (Lee Fierman, Chardon, Ohio)
A. The sardine can key.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch cash giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25!
