Taking swings at the Red Sox during a charity benefit
Outfielder Johnny Damon's hair, Pedro Martinez's pitching prowess, Johnny Damon's hair, how lucky we are to have pitchers Keith Foulke and Curt Schilling, Johnny Damon's hair, how much the Yankees, well, how much we don't like the Yankees, and Johnny Damon's hair. These were the major themes when Red Sox fans Ben Affleck and Seth Meyers roasted the team at yesterday's Red Sox Foundation lunch.
Affleck, whose love of all things Red Sox is legendary, was the MC for the inaugural lunch at the Boston Marriott Copley Place. He was joined by "Saturday Night Live" veteran Meyers in ribbing the more than two dozen players in attendance. Some 500 people attended the lunch, which raised more than $450,000 for programs supported by the foundation.
The Affleck-Meyers shtick took on a bluish hue at several points, such as when Affleck told Schilling, who has racked up a large number of commercial endorsments, that there are "one or two things you currently aren't promoting." And when Meyers's joke that the team could just remove the "c" from the new ace's name fell flat, Meyers said, "Wow, didn't think that's how that would go."
Kevin Millar, the one who started "Cowboy Up," chuckled at all the ridiculous suggestions for a new battle cry. Sidelined superstar Nomar Garciaparra laughed at jokes about people butchering his name. And slugger David Ortiz showed off his jewelry after Affleck suggested that Ortiz wore so many diamonds he looked as if he were hawking something on the Home Shopping Network. When Meyers asked Damon if he could turn "clubhouse water into wine," Damon shot back that they were not gathered for the Last Supper.
But it was Martinez who stole the show when he said that Affleck must know more Spanish than he let on. Affleck stood for a moment and then said: "That's all the Spanish I know. I was only with her for that long." It was one of several oblique references to Affleck's former galpal Jennifer Lopez, including when Meyers asked Affleck if, since Affleck and Meyers kissed on "SNL," they could now be called BenSeth. Affleck sarcastically complimented Sox GM Theo Epstein for having a "quiet offseason," noting that he now feels more in tune with the team because they "both had tumultuous falls."
Sox honcho Tom Werner leaked that Damon had gotten engaged the night before to Michelle Mangan, prompting Damon to walk over to Mangan and kiss her. Derek Lowe, Trot Nixon, and Manny Ramirez were missing from yesterday's festivities, prompting Affleck to quip that Ramirez might be "having lunch with Enrique Iglesias." (A reference to Ramirez's controversial lunch last season with friend and Yankee Enrique Wilson.)
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