Pitching therapy to Red Sox fans
Every year at this time, the Globe offers Red Sox Therapy, a joint venture with Major League Baseball and the City of Boston's Department of Karmic Equilibrium.
Dear RST: A friend of mine whose cousin knows someone at WRKO told me that Nomar Garciaparra bruised his Achilles' tendon while trying to execute the "Stag Drinking Tranquil Water" yoga position on a slippery straw mat -- not during batting practice as he said. Why haven't the media reported this?-- Insider, in Ipswich
RST replies: Where Nomar is concerned, we think it is healthier just to move on.
Dear RST: My ex-girlfriend, whose half-sister accepted a drink from a man who claimed to work in State Street Bank's foreign exchange department, says everyone knows that Nomar refused to accept the club's $60 million offer because his agent Arn Tellem and owner John Henry couldn't agree on an acceptable spread for the Euro hedge on Tellem's commission, which was to be sheltered in a Bahamas real estate captive. Why haven't the media reported this? -- "David," from the Dutch Antilles
RST replies: We really think it is time to move on.
Dear RST: Does the big trade mean the end of the Nomar Bowl? Where will Ben Affleck troll for flesh?
-- Jason, from Bourne
RST replies: He seemed to be working the Democratic National Convention quite successfully.
Dear RST: Who is Dave Roberts? Is he the guy who played Ashton Kutcher's father in "The Butterfly Effect"?
-- Cinephile, from Salisbury
RST replies: Dave Roberts is a superb outfielder recently acquired from the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Dear RST: Earlier this year, a Globe columnist called Red Sox manager Terry Francona "a proven loser." Now Francona's team has a .550 won-loss record. Does the paper plan to print a correction?-- Mediaphobe, in Marblehead
RST replies: The subject of columnist negativity is under investigation by Major League Baseball's Department of Happy News. FYI, in a 12-game grandmaster chess tournament, a .550 won-loss record wins you a world championship.
Dear RST: Is it fair for the Patriots to open training camp in August? It's so depressing to read interviews with these proven winners, and see photographs of Bill Belichick hobnobbing with his championship cast. Shouldn't they be kept out of this media market, so we can focus more effectively on Kevin Millar's complaints about playing time?
-- Jarred by Juxtapositions, Jenerally
RST replies: Comparisons are odious, of course. One wonders how the Belichick formula would work during a 162-game season, when his team had to face the New York Jets 19 times in six months.
Dear RST: What are "flu-like symptoms?"-- Dr. Phil, from Falmouth
RST replies: Occasional tightening of the hamstrings, jovial malingering, and complete loss of hair control.
Dear RST: Refresh my memory, please. Why are a commodities trader, a sitcom hack, and a boy who handed out stat sheets for Yale University the greatest owner-management team ever assembled in baseball history?
-- Sceptical, in Swampscott
RST replies: Because they embraced "sabermetrics" -- the statistical science of baseball -- about 15 years after it became fashionable, and after it had proved its worthlessness for the few clubs that applied it.
Dear RST: I am confused by the Red Sox motto, "Keep the Faith." Wouldn't this be more appropriate for, say, the Roman Catholic Church during its current time of trials? I am a spiritual person, but I worry that this violates the constitutional separation of church and sport.-- Praying, in Peabody
RST replies: With Faith, and with Manny, all things are possible.
Dear RST: Who is Doug Mientkiewicz? Is he the guy who punches Robert De Niro in the wedding scene in "The Deer Hunter"? -- Tivo-man, in Tewksbury
RST replies: Never mind.
Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com.
