No big-time performance
Who knew that David Wells and Dick ''Big Time" Cheney had so much in common?
Think about it: Both love to hunt. Both wear pants with a waist size larger than the inseam. And on back-to-back days in April 2006, both had trouble finding their spots from the mound and got roundly booed in their home ballparks.
The vice president took his medicine when he attempted a ceremonial first pitch at RFK Stadium Tuesday, and last night Wells was hooted off the mound after a dismal performance at Fenway. The Red Sox' portly portsider was rocked for 10 hits and seven runs in four-plus innings of an 8-4 loss to the Blue Jays.
''I thought they were saying 'Boomer,' " joked Wells after his horrid 78-pitch outing. ''I know there's going to be a lot of negative things said and reaction from people, but I can overcome that. I'm not going to dwell on the last start. Tonight's over. It's filed and I won't take it home. Tonight wasn't good. Hopefully, the next one is going to be better."
Wells had to know he was going to hear it from the crowd if he failed to perform. This is a man who said he didn't want to pitch in Boston. He said he wanted to be traded somewhere closer to home, preferably to the San Diego Padres. He was the lone ranger in Fort Myers, Fla., in the spring of '06, often working out apart from his teammates and bolting the premises before the end of practice.
Only when it became apparent that he would have to pitch for the Sox in order to start collecting his $4 million salary did Wells announce he was withdrawing his trade request. Then he groused about being skipped in the first turn of the rotation, called his manager an ''idiot" (a term of endearment in the Damon days), and went to Pawtucket for a rehab assignment, where he was cuffed around by the Rochester Red Wings.
Last night, he was routed by the Jays and Sox fans were wondering why Theo Epstein traded Bronson Arroyo for Wily Mo Peña. We are eight games into the season and Arroyo has two more wins than Wells, and one more home run than Peña.
''I think it's a matter now of repetitions and getting confidence and throwing strikes and staying out of the middle of the plate," said manager Terry Francona, who lifted Wells with no outs in the top of the fifth.
Getting more run support than any pitcher in baseball, Wells went 15-7 in his first season in Boston in 2005, including 8-1 at Fenway Park. Not bad for a 42-year-old lefthander with a Michelin body. The last time we saw him he was coughing up a 4-0 lead in Chicago in the second game of the Division Series. That was the night Tony Graffanino's Buckneresque, two-out error preceded a three-run bomb by Tadahito Iguchi, which effectively dethroned the Red Sox and catapulted the White Sox to a World Series championship.
Wells had right knee surgery after the season and spent most of his convalescence trying to get himself traded. But Theo was too busy quitting, then coming back, to accommodate the demand, and by March it was pretty clear that Wells's only option was to withhold services. That would have meant not getting paid, and one thing Wells is not . . . is stupid. So he put on uniform No. 16 last night and walked out to the mound.
Perfect, he wasn't. He had nothing. The Sox might have been better off with Big Time.
''It was batting practice tonight, basically," admitted Wells.
His second pitch was dumped into right field for a single. His fourth pitch landed in the first row of the Monster seats, a two-run homer by Alex Rios. Immediately boos rained down on the cap that covers his bald pate. After a couple of ground outs, Bengie Molina hit a ball onto Lansdowne Street, making it 3-0.
Boomer heard more Bronx cheers when he came off after getting the third out. We feared he might go Scalia on us, but the big fella kept his composure.
There was more stormy weather in the second. Wells issued a two-out walk (he walked only 21 in 184 innings last year), then surrendered a booming double to center by Rios. That made it 4-0. Vernon Wells followed with an RBI single to center. Then Troy Glaus hit a rocket off the Wall that brought Al Nipper out of the dugout and got Lenny DiNardo up in the bullpen. Wells was temporarily saved when Molina fanned on an 88-mile-per-hour fastball that was out of the strike zone. It was Wells's 50th pitch. Eight hits and five runs in two innings. Ugly.
He settled down in the third and fourth. He needed only eight pitches to get the Jays in order on three grounders in the third, and another 10 to retire three straight in the fourth.
But just when it looked as if Wells and the Sox were getting back into the game, there was more Wells on Wells crime in the fifth. Minutes after Dustan Mohr's two-run homer cut Toronto's lead to 5-2, Wells allowed a leadoff homer to Vernon Wells in the fifth. When Glaus followed with a single to center, Francona came out with the hook. Wells was booed one last time as he walked to the dugout.
''They're entitled," said Wells. ''I have no control over their feelings and remarks. That's fans. I can deal with it."
Even though the first-place Sox are 6-2 and even though Wells has pitched only once, there will be temptation to overreact. During the winter, the Sox were all fat and happy with their seven starters. They seemed insulated from age and injuries. But now Arroyo has been traded and Jonathan Papelbon is a Radatz-like closer and Wells has yet to give us any indication that he can still get big-league hitters out. Suddenly, there are not so many options.
Wells will get another chance, and maybe he'll revert to form, but if he doesn't, Bob Lobel will be showing you more Arroyo highlights and asking, ''Why can't we get pitchers like that?"
Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. His e-mail address is dshaughnessy@globe.com. 
