The Hoodie beat The Goodie. America's Favorite Baby Daddy vanquished the only virgin in the NFL. Darkness smothered the Light. Evil triumphed over Good. And the New England Patriots defeated the Denver Broncos.
Heaven will have to wait for Tim Tebow. He was human while Tom Brady was his regular divine self. Brady semi-"Tebowed" to end the Patriots' 41-23 victory at Denver, which clinched the AFC East. Hell no, not today, Tim. No. 12 also "Gronked" big-time after he scored his eighth career touchdown. While this one was set up as Gronkos vs. Broncos, it was that other tight end, Aaron Hernandez (the one Tebow saw work his miracles at Florida) who really Gronked the snot out Denver with nine catches, 129 yards and a touchdown.
Wonder how much the Patriots got to sell their soul for this rout? Robert Kraft moved heaven and earth to make sure this game was kept on CBS. And we thought Tebow had friends in high places. When Bill Belichick and Tebow shook hands after the game, I thought Belichick might explode like the Al Pacino did near the end of "The Devil's Advocate." That title might also be an apt moniker for Brady or any Patriots' player carrying out Belichick's game plan against Tebow. And as Jesus himself told us on Saturday Night Live: "If I'm the son of God, then Tom Brady has to be the guy's nephew." And I'll bet Tebow doesn't even mind that Brady and Jesus are first-cousins. Watch the skit again right here. You know you want to:
The Broncos were so bad on all sides of the ball Sunday that Tebow could not have pulled this one off with the help of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost - not to mention a defensive secondary. Brady was on a Rocky Mountain high, going 23 for 34 with 320 yards passing, two touchdowns and zero interceptions. For a guy whose team gave up 41 points at home and turned the ball over three times in the second quarter, Tebow was not beyond redemption. Rather, The Chosen One is still a work in progress.
Except against New England.
Tebow really had nowhere to go but down after a week where he was on the cover of Sports Illustrated for the eighth time, the subject of the hottest re-mix on You Tube posted above (more than 1,198,000 views), the inspiration for a fad pulled off on Facebook and Twitter by millions of kneeling people, the object of about 8,010 items for sale on ebay, had his own beer, turned up about 231,000,000 search results on Google and was the reason why a couple of high school kids in New York got suspended.
The AFC East champs tempted the Broncos and Tebow with too many sins. Get that gear while it's hot. The greedy offense didn't let up in the 4th quarter when the Pats had 34-23 lead as Brady led an 80-yard scoring drive that ended with BenJarvus Green-Ellis' 1-yard TD run. After the game, Vince Wilfork (Gluttony? Hard to say since he's still a terrific athlete at 325 - yeah, right - pounds) was unapologetic about his Tebowing. "Yeah, I Tebowed," Wilfork said. "Absolutely ... Everybody in the world was hearing about this guy, and he's a very good athlete ... He's a winner ... So, however he do it, he do it." Definitely pride. Brady said it was "emotional game." He showed plenty of wrath on the field. Tebow reached divine status, sort-of, by taking a 28-yard sack in the second half thinking he could make a play out of nothing. That's your vanity - "gets em every time." It was certainly the most heavenly sack we've seen by the Pats since Andre Carter took down Mark Sanchez 4.5 times against the Jets in Week. 5. Carter's likely season-ending quad injury was a crushing blow to a defense already held together by duct tape and opposition mistakes. Despair. Tebow called the Patriots a "great team" and marveled at Brady's ability to win. A bit of envy. Luckily we couldn't find any examples of lust.
It was an incredible day all around. The Colts won, the Packers lost and Kim Jong Il officially died. Now Roger Goodell is officially the most powerful dictator in the world. After David Stern.
Using the 60-minute rule, the AFC East champs played solid on all sides of the ball. When the defense could not stop the Broncos, it took the ball away with three momentum-killing turnovers (with help from the special teams) at a time when game was still in doubt. While the defense played more than well enough to win, this unit has yet to convince fans that it will hold itself together to make a run in the playoffs. The personnel was questionable coming out of training camp. Now, will the likes or Rob Ninkovich, Sergio Brown, Mark Anderson and friends keep it together for a playoff run and a Super Bowl against the slumping Packers? Answer that and you're a genius. New England's success on defense is head-scratching. 11-3. From 218 yards in the first quarter to 175 for the last three. Can't figure it out. Hope that holds true for the Steelers, Ravens or Texans next month.
Speaking of head-scratching, Chad Ochocinco pulled in his first touchdown of the season on an 33-yard gift-basket pass from Brady. It was re-tweeted about 500,000 times. This $6 million TD catch still ranks slightly behind the cost-per-clutch-play rate of J.D. Drew, who pocketed $70 million for his critical grand slam in Game 6 of the 2007 ALCS. Perhaps "Ochocinco" is the new Spanish for "One Catch." The Patriots playbook must be the most intricate and complicated document this side of the 1,928 pages in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act of 2009. And like the folks who passed it into law, Ocho has not read his "Bill" either.
There's still nothing for certain about Brady's bunch except the fact that it will score points against even above-average defenses and that it will get at least the No. 2 seed - and a first round bye - with wins over Miami (Merry Christmas Eve) and Buffalo (Happy New Year.) But after looking at the AFC playoff picture, it's also easy to imagine this team winning itself all the way to Indianapolis. Of course, they have not won a playoff game in 1,429 days.
Until that changes, not much else matters.
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