There's been lots of talk about God wanting Tebow to be starting quarterback of the New York Jets. Spread the word from the one of the sports world's biggest platforms and all that. We already know our Tom is an awesome Tom. The Patriots offense hasn't look this good since Corey Dillon chugged in from the 2 in Super Bowl XXXIX. The Tebow Dilemma adds another ring to the circus that was once known as the New York Titans. This is a perfect storm for Patriots fans. Not only are the Jets under-performing on the field, they are Red Soxian in their dysfunction off it. Maybe Tebow needs to perform an exorcism and remove the spirit of Larry Lucchino from Woody Johnson's body.
Here's some breaking news. God has chosen a QB in New York - his name is Eli Manning. The Sanchez-Beast analogies are too delicious to ignore: He wears No. 6, it's week six of the season, his passing rating is 66.6, he's thrown six TD passes and six interceptions this season, was arrested in 2006 (no charges were filed) and made $6 million playing for Carroll at USC. OK, the last part isn't true, it was only $666,666.66. Patriots fans also know the real Satan lurking at MetLife Stadium is Tom Coughlin, who has two of Belichick's Super Bowl rings in his desk drawer. Belichick otherwise rules the football underworld, as it should be.
Forget flood, famine, plague and pestilence, the greatest challenge facing Tebow in New Jersey is having to play back-up QB for Ryan in Tony Sparano's offense. Job never had it this tough in the Old Testament. Tebow has a reputation for not having a legitimate throwing motion. Sanchez has been bedeviled by his inability to deliver the ball where it's needed. Meanwhile, Brady knows when he plays the Texans on Dec. 10, Job One will be getting the ball beyond the line of scrimmage in the air and not trying to bowl it past J.J. Watt. This week, the biggest challenge facing America's Alpha Dog will be barking out those one-word snap and set counts loud enough to be heard over the huddled masses in Seattle, who not doubt will be well hydrated and jacked up on Seattle's Best and Starbucks. To paraphrase Joe Biden and Lloyd Bentsen, Russell Wilson has seen Peyton Manning selling Buicks on TV and may have even met Peyton Manning, but he's no Peyton Manning. That will be the difference this week, even the Patriots' secondary (turn around, Devin, here comes the ball!) will be able to play man coverage with ease while the front seven can apply the requisite pressure to force Wilson into turnovers and three-and-outs. There won't be any fourth-quarter scares this week, even on the road, at least when the Seahawks have the ball. And those replacement refs won't be around to bail Wilson out.
We'll update the rankings each Saturday during the season. Remember, these are for entertainment purposes only. Teams are listed with record and last week's ranking.
1. Texans (5-0; 1): Appear to be unstoppable, at least until Dec. 10. Still have more wins than the rest of the AFC South combined.
2. Falcons (5-0; 2): Matt Ryan has completed 68.3 percent of his passes for 1,507 yards with 13 TDs and three INTs - nothing demonic in those numbers. Of course, the Jesuit fathers at Boston College wouldn't have it any other way.
3. 49ers: (3-1; 3) Looking for "payback" for the loss in the NFC title game against the Giants this Sunday. Only problem - the check bounced on the Patriots in Indianapolis.
4. Ravens (4-1; 5): Bernard Pollard says the Ravens aren't "hitting that panic button" when it comes to their defense. Giving up six points to the Chiefs will do that to any team.
5. Cardinals (4-1; 4): Several players met former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush Thursday at a conference in Phoenix. One called it "the coolest night of my life" - and that was before Bush went to bed early and real fun got started.
6. Patriots (3-2; 6): As long as Brandon Spikes keeps tweeting and Wes Welker continues to crack one-liners about Belichick, it's going to be an interesting season no matter what happens on the field. Of course, these antics are funny (Welker) or idiotic (Spikes) until the team starts losing. Then, they become the Red Sox.
7. Giants (3-2; 8): This is the third time in less than a year that the Giants and 49ers have played at Candlestick Park. Eli Manning is facing the best defense in the league when it comes to points allowed (13.6) and the 49ers have outscored their opponents (Jets and Bills) 79-3 in the past two weeks. Non-Patriots Game Of The Week for sure.
8. Bears (4-1; 12): The Bears spent their bye week reaching out the family of a Chicago fan slain in Jacksonville last week trying to make sense of something senseless. Well done.
9. Vikings (4-1; 11): No longer look the Bengals of the NFC - actually starting to look like the Ravens - only a slightly different shade of purple.
10. Eagles (3-2; 7): Mike Vick has officially gone back to the dogs. Good for him, especially if he's going to learn compassion for animals and teach it to his kids. Remember, unlike so many other prominent athletes and other celebrities, Vick actually paid for his crime with 18 months of legit time in federal prison. The pooch has more than a fighting chance. At least he wasn't driven home from the pound by Mitt Romney or served up for dinner at the Obama family reunion.
11. Rams (3-2; 14): Five weeks into the season and the entire NFC West is over .500 - yeah, saw that one coming.
12. Chargers (3-2; 10): Allowed 17 unanswered points to close Sunday's 31-24 loss at New Orleans but defense could be still good enough to win the AFC West.
13. Seahawks (3-2; 17): It's going to be loud in Seattle on Sunday so no one will notice Carroll being outclassed on the other sidelines.
14. Dolphins (2-3; 25): Dolphins are a legit threat to make the playoffs as long as Reggie Bush stays healthy and Chad Johnson stays away. Dumping Johnson in the preseason might have been the turnaround for this team. Joe Philbin learned from Belichick's mistake and it didn't cost Stephen Ross $6 million, either.
15. Bengals (3-2; 9): The leaves have turned, the furnace is back on each night (for some of you) so it's about time for the Bengals to start to fade.
16, Broncos (2-3; 13): Would anyone let Willis McGahee hold their baby? Didn't think so.
17. Cowboys (2-2; 21): No interceptions last week for Tony Romo.
18. Colts (2-2; 26): Second-most inspiring story of the week - the Colts rallying for coach Chuck Pagano.
19. Packers (2-3; 15): Aaron Rodgers says the Packers need "leadership." Isn't that the job of the quarterback? Might be time for another discount double-check.
20. Redskins (2-3; 16): Now that the Nationals are done playing (speaking of the Red Sox - the Nats blew a 6-0 lead at home in Game 5 Friday night), the spotlight will be blinding on Mike Shanahan and RGIII.
21. Jets (2-3; 18): Too bad the Jets passed on Terrell Owens' Twitter offer this week. His path to football redemption can use all the spiritual help it can get. The Patriots will miss his would-be drops and misrun routes this week in Seattle, where he was last employed in August.
22. Titans (2-4; 28): Chris Johnson ran for 91 yards on 19 carries in Thursday's win over Pittsburgh. Give him a few months and he might catch up to Brandon Bolden.
23. Steelers (2-3; 20): While Biden and Ryan were going at it in Kentucky Thursday night, the Steelers were losing to the Titans on a last-second field goal after missing the potential game-winner in the final minute. Mike Tomlin was not smirking.
24: Lions (1-3; 22): The Lions wide receivers have a new motto this week: "No more Mr. Nice Guy.” For fantasy league players, Calvin Johnson has been anything but nice - one TD and 429 yards receiving in five games.
25. Bills (2-3; 19): Bills can turn around season with an upset victory at Arizona. Don't...hold...your...breath.
26. Buccaneers (1-3; 23): Have firm grip on silver medal in Florida NFL Olympics.
27. Saints (1-4; 24): Sean Payton was watching as Drew Brees broke Johnny Unitas' consecutive-game TD-pass record (48) and the Saints beat San Diego for their first win the season. No bounties since Philip Rivers left the field in one piece.
28. Chiefs (1-4; 27): Eric Winston's post-game rip job on the Kansas City fans who cheered Matt Cassel's might not have been necessary if Winston had done a better job blocking for Matt Cassel. Romeo Crennel and Cassel are 124 regular-season victories behind Brady and Belichick on all-time coach/QB tandem list. The Crennell-Brady Quinn tally starts this week.
29. Panthers (1-4; 29): Bye week always welcomed in Carolina.
30. Raiders (1-3; 30): 9.5-point underdogs at Atlanta this week. That should be the line for the first quarter.
31. Browns (0-5; 31): Twenty-nine-year-old Brandon Weeden has thrown nine INTs in his first five NFL games. No wonder he's a rookie at age 29.
32. Jaguars (1-4; 32): Bye week. Duval County declares holiday. Jags announce 2013 game in London Thursday (against the 49ers on Oct. 27) and will play one game in England for four years. Duval County can't wait.
Don't forget to join us Sunday at 4 p.m. for our in-game Patriots-Seahawks fan chat and we continue to thank the Football Gods for the Pete Carroll-Bill Belichick swap. As always, let us know what you think. Post your thoughts here, on our Obnoxious Boston Fan Facebook page or e-mail me firstname.lastname@example.org. And don't forget to follow us on Twitter @realOBF.
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