L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned for life by the NBA this week on Tuesday. He probably wishes he had been removed from the cold opening of this week's "Saturday Night Live."
Sterling [skillfully depicted by a much younger Bobby Moynihan] said his reputation has gotten a real black eye, "which we know is the worst kind of eye." Sterling tried to make peace with the black community during his speech, but things just got worse.
Sterling said he's learning more about the black community by "watching Roots. That Quest Love is a talented actor." Sterling introduced his new mistress [Sasheer Zamata], she's "three-quarters black," and still has plenty of NBA players who support him, including Dennis Rodman [Jay Pharoah].
"I'm above all a good judge of character and this the greatest man I've ever met, right up there with my brother, Kim Jong Il," Rodman said.
He even received that elusive second lifetime achievement award from the LA chapter of the NAACP, after donating $10 million to the cause. "This is the biggest donation we got since Michael Richards gave us the Escalade," Leon Jenkins [Kenan Thompson] said.
Andrew Garfield ["Amazing Spider-Man II"] hosted and was joined in his monologue by co-star and real-life girlfriend Emma Stone, a former SNL host.
Stone interrupted her beau several times and viewers were treated to Aidy Bryant's two-second cameo in the movie.
Across 85 of the first 90 minutes, this was perhaps the best episode of the current season. Garfield kept viewers alert. He played a variety of characters and gave everyone a brief meeting with Stone as Spidey himself. The show closed with a repeat of "The Bird Bible" sketch, so something didn't work.
"Weekend Update" owned the night and found its post-Seth Meyers' stride this week, as Colin Jost and Cecily Strong tore into Sterling, President Obama's low approval ratings and lauded male cheerleading.
Jost reported: "This week in New York, male cheerleading was made an official sport ... Dad!"
Olya Povlatsky [McKinnon] was back, lamenting her fate as a Russian peasant.
"Come and get me Ukraine. Free me from my earthly prison," she said. Olya wasn't thrilled with Vladimir Putin's plans to swipe Ukraine. "Russia's big enough already." She's watching "Full House" these days because it just got to Russia. "They are the luckiest people in the world. They only have nine people in one house."
She was going to East Ukraine for summer vacation but "it's now part of Russia." She was surprised that missing a bus would make Americans say "FML" in frustration. "If missing the bus is 'F My Life' then my life is 'F' times infinity."
Povlatsky was not concerned about imports or exports being curtailed in Russia. "Our only exports are homophobia and snow," she said. But, she admitted. "I am between rock and hard place. Because that's where I live, between a rock and a hard place." She does watch "Game of Thrones," though. "I have an HBO-Go pass. I'm not an animal."
SNL's "image expert" Leslie Jones went all in on the "slave joke" trade, longing for the days when a 6-foot-tall, strong black woman would be appreciated.
You've been warned.
"The way we value black beauty has changed. I'm single now, but back in the slave days, I would have never be single. I'm six feet tall and I'm strong. Look at me, I'm a Mandingo," she said. "I do not want to be a slave. I don't like working for you all white people and you pay me. But back in the slave days, my love life would have been better. Master would have hooked me with with the best brother on the plantation and every nine months I'd be having a super baby. I'd just keep popping them out. Shaq. Kobe, LeBron, Kimbo Slice, Sinbad. I would be the number one slave draft pick. All of the plantations would want me" she said. "Now, I can't get a brother to take me out for dinner," to laughter and applause and without apologies.
The Twitter reaction to that was, ah, mixed.
My personal favorite, Jedediah Atkinson [Taran Killam] gave us his review of this year's Tony, or was it "Tommy," Awards?
Les Miserables? "I dreamed a dream, too, because I fell asleep in the first act."
He didn't stop with this year's nominees.
Wicked? "If I wanted to watch a couple of hags screech at each other, I'd watch "The View."
Rent: "525,600 minutes of garbage."
Annie? "Oh great, a needy Ginger who breaks into song every five seconds. Sing as loud as you want, honey, your parents aren't coming back."
Cats? "I've seen a less depressing show featuring 100 cats. It's called 'Hoarders.' That play needed a first-act visit of feline AIDS. They don't care about you."
Romeo And Juliet? "Thirteen-year-olds having sex ... Wherefore art thou Chris Hansen?"
He did enjoy "Our American Cousin" performed at Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865. That happened to be the night President Lincoln was assassinated. "It may have not gone over well in the orchestra, but it killed in the balcony."
Elsewhere, the week's highlight was "The Beygency."
It erased Garfield's entire existence when he dared speak ill of one of Beyonce's songs. Not even Jack Bauer himself could save this poor soul after he failed to show complete devotion and fidelity to the Queen Bee. When Garfield landed in prison, he found himself next to another inmate [McKinnon] who made this fatal error: "They played Crazy in Love and I didn't dance. I didn't dance! And that's when they took me."
Garfield also played a best man giving the toast at a wedding where he confessed his love for the bride, Brittany.
The came to everyone's surprise, including that of the maid of honor, who just happens to be his wife.
Stone and Garfield reunited in a "Spider-Man II" final kiss sketch but could not find their chemistry.
Elsewhere, for those with trouble dealing with "excess gas" - there's Stanx, which can comfortably contain up to 200 emissions. There might be a problem at the end of the day.
Family Feud "Celebrity Edition" pitted American musicians against their international counterparts. Garfield had Justin Timberlake pegged. He was joined by Bruno Mars, Reba McEntire and Skrillex. On the international side, Shakira. Drake , Adele and Russell Crowe, who "claims he's a singer."
In a remake of "Oliver Twist," Garfield was left in the unenviable position of having to ask for more. But he wasn't alone. A woman in the group, Dedara [Strong], wanted more, too, muscling in on the orphans. "There's no alcohol in this soup because my body will find it," she said. When Oliver offered to share the last bowl of soup, she consumed all of it.
Coldplay's Chris Martin stepped in and donned a wig to save the day.
Coldplay performed "Magic" and "A Sky Full of Stars" with energy and and a strong vibe.
Charlize Theron hosts next week with musical guest the Black Keys.
SNL alum Andy Samberg returns to host in two weeks.
The OBF Blog is written by award-winning journalist and Bay State native Bill Speros. Got a news tip, want to let him know directly what you think, have a complaint or compliment about his "aggressively relevant" content or hate people who speak about themselves in the third person, hit him up on his Obnoxious Boston Fan Facebook page, on Twitter @realOBF or hit him on at his
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