It seems the Red Sox are wasting no time following Thursday’s trades of starting pitchers Jon Lester and John Lackey. An ad posted on the Boston Craigslist site under the headline “Pitching Needed (Fenway Park)’’ is a call to arms, any arms, to close out the season on the pitching staff of the local nine. Here’s the full text of the ad:
Have you ever played baseball? Are you left-handed? Can you occasionally throw a strike? If so, have we got a gig for you!
We recently traded away all of our starting pitchers and we need YOU to help us finish the season. NO BIG LEAGUE EXPERIENCE NECESSARY! All you need is a glove, a hat, and an arm.
We provide the fielders, you throw the ball!*
If interested, please stop by Fenway Park sometime before tonight’s game and ask for Larry. We’ll do the rest!
*No offensive support included.
The games are long, but playing professional baseball seems like a pretty good gig. Just ask Stephen Drew.
— Update: We’ve gotten our hands on some of the responses to the job posting. Here are the best ones:
hi I’m unemployed and have wiffle ball and dizzy bat experience. I took most of 2013 and all of 2014 off.
I will sign for league min.
My wiffle rep includes a curve, slider, knuckler, med-fast ball and a nasty riser.
My 07 season was rough but from 08-12 I was a solid pitcher. In ‘11, I threw a 13 inning shutout ‘cause my teammate sucked and couldn’t hit. In ‘12, me and my teammate in Team Margarita went 8-0.
I will bring my own beer, thanks. — John D
I’m down we’re do I go. — Corey B.
I saw your ad and I am more than interested…I think I’m just what you are looking for.
See, my mom never let me play baseball. I only ever played stick ball, some softball hitting after work too. Whatever. The point is I’m a hard worker, a real go getter. Damnit Larry, I’m not afraid to pitch inside. I’ll throw that sweet chin music when needed.
I can’t promise any strikeouts…or strikes. What I can promise is a good job. A good effort. Please, put me in coach. I’m ready to play….today.
Ps, I don’t have my own glove. — Jim W.
have a arm but no glove and hat. — Darrell B.
If this is serious, I can throw for strikes consistently, I just lack velocity. I have a 4 seam, 2 seam, split, curve, changeup, eephus and 2 grip types of knuckleball. I can actually throw for strikes consistently with both hands; I am a switch pitcher. I can also hit for power pretty well, not that matters in an American league town.
Get me to Boston from NYC and I’ll take minimum wage gladly.
Resume and portfolio available upon request. — Jordan C.