The Fab Four do lunch

Four men walk into a pub on Canal Street -- The Fours, naturally -- waiting to be seated for lunch. The host approaches and immediately recognizes the patrons, for they are perhaps the most influential men of the moment in Boston sports:

Wyc Grousbeck, John Henry, Jeremy Jacobs, and Robert Kraft -- a.k.a., The Owners. What follows is the conversation that transpired between the four members of this exclusive and remarkably successful club . . .

Host: Gentlemen, you're back! It must be that time of year again, yes?

Kraft: (In a deliberate, nasal tone) In-deed ... it ... is ... Jon-a-than. It's ... time ... for ... our ... an-nual ... lunch. This ... is ... when ... we ... give ... thanks ... for ... be-ing ... in ... the ... best ... sports ... ci-ty ... in ... A-mer-i-ca.

(Others nod.)

Grousbeck: (Eagerly) Couldn't have said it better myself, Bob. (Pause.) Can I call you Bob?

Kraft: Of ... course. Just ... don't ... call ... me ... daddy.

(Others laugh.)

Host: Right this way, gentlemen. I've reserved your usual table. Please be seated and let us know how we can serve you. Your waiter will be along shortly.

Kraft: Well ... it's ... nice ... to ... see ... you ... all ... a-gain ... boys. This ... is ... u-su-al-ly ... when ... we ... take ... time ... to ... look ... back ... on ... the ... year ... that ... was. We ... are ... tru-ly ... blessed ... to ... be ... in ... such ... a ... pass-ion-ate ... place ... for ... sports.

As ... the ... sen-ior ... rank-ing ... Bos-to-ni-an ... in ... this ... group ... let ... me ... be-gin ... by ... say-ing ... that ... it ... has ... been ... a ... glor-i-ous ... year ... for ... the ... Kraft ... fam-i-ly.

(There is awkward pause. The others look puzzled. Henry leans forward, as if to speak, when the waiter arrives with water, menus and a bread basket for the table. As the waiter promises to return for a drink order and pokes fun at Kraft, Jacobs stealthily slips a sourdough roll into his pocket.)

Henry: (His is voice so hushed the others strain to hear.) Uh, Robert, what do you mean? Hasn't this been a tough year for you? I mean, it started with the playoffs and Super Bowl. Then Spygate. Then Tom Brady got hurt. You'll be lucky if you make the playoffs.

(The others nod hesitantly.)

Kraft: Don't ... be ... sil-ly ... John. There ... is ... plen-ty ... to ... be ... thank-ful ... for. We ... were ... vin-di-ca-ted ... in ... that ... fool-ish ... Spy-gate ... non-sense ... no ... thanks ... to ... that ... stooge ... Ar-len ... Spec-ter. Tom-my's ... knee ... will ... fine. The ... game ... was ... a ... big ... dis-ap-point-ment ... but we'll ... be ... back. (Pause) Be-sides ... we ... just ... op-ened ... a new ... mall!

(Henry nods. Grousbeck smiles nervously. Jacobs slips a piece of silverware into his other pocket.)

(The waiter returns.)

Waiter: Gentlemen, I'll be happy to take any questions you have on the menu. I'm also happy to take your drink orders.

Jacobs: Do you have Buffalo wings?

Waiter: Actually, sir, we have two kinds, the traditional bone-in wings and the boneless tenders. Both come in varying degrees of hotness, with blue cheese and carrot sticks. Shall I order some for the table?

Jacobs: Which are the cheapest?

Waiter: Sir?

Jacobs: Do the hotter ones cost more? And do we have to pay more to have the bones removed? (The others hold back their laughter.)

Waiter: No sir. They all cost the same.

Jacobs: We'll have two orders of boneless for the table, then. And fire 'em up!

Waiter: Right away, sir. Drinks, gentlemen?

Grousbeck: I'll have the champagne.

Henry: I'll have a chardonnay.

Kraft: Your ... best ... scotch. On ... the ... rocks. Make ... it ... a ... dou-ble.

Jacobs: Just water, please.

Grousbeck: Do you allow cigars?

Waiter: Unfortunately no, sir
.
Grousbeck: Damn.

Henry: (Turns toward Kraft.) So wait. You actually view this as a good year? I mean, you could have had the only 19-0 season in league history. Beyond that, you didn't win the championship.

Kraft: True. ... But ... nei-ther ... did ... you. (Grins.)

Jacobs: Amen to that, Bob!

Grousbeck: Uh, boys? (Extends his right hand to reveal a colossal, downright gaudy championship ring decorated in diamonds and emeralds. The others immediately turtle. Grousbeck beams with pride.)

Jacobs: So that's what one of those looks like.

Henry:You would wear that.

Kraft: Talk ... to ... me ... when ... you ... get ... three ... of ... those ... son.

Henry: Or even two.

Grousbeck: (Turns toward Henry.) Maybe we should plan now to have lunch next summer?

(Flustered, Henry takes a sip from his water and mutters something no one else can hear.)

Jacobs: All nonsense aside, you should be proud of that, young Wycliffe. That was quite a story. For the Celtics to turn things around so quickly, you deserve a great deal of credit. You set an example for all of us. And for me, personally, you've given me hope that we can indeed turn things around and contend for a championship someday soon.

Grousbeck: Thanks, Jerry. Can I call you Jerry? I don't know where to begin. Obviously, Danny Ainge deserves a lot of the credit. I guess it's a good thing we didn't fire Doc Rivers, eh? (The owners all share a good laugh.) But really, every team should have a leader like Kevin Garnett. Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, too. In fact, from top to bottom, our guys were terrific.

Henry: What happened with James Posey?

Grousbeck: Business decision.

(Kraft, Henry and Jacobs all nod knowingly.)

Kraft: Good for you, kid.

(The waiter returns with drinks and the appetizers. Kraft slugs downs his scotch. Grousbeck savors the champagne, and Henry sips his wine. Jacobs pulls a straw out of his breast pocket, peels off the wrapper and begins drinking his water while scarfing down the wings.)

Waiter: Ready to order gentlemen?

Kraft: I'll ... have ... French ... on-ion ... soup - and ... a-noth-er ... scotch.

Grousbeck: Lobster bisque and the sesame crusted ahi. Soy on the side. Can the chef add a wasabi drizzle?

Waiter: I'm sure, sir.

Grousbeck: Excellent.

Henry: I'll have the grilled chicken breast with steamed broccoli. Hold the rice, if you can, and double the broccoli.

Waiter: Will do, sir.

Jacobs: Just a side garden salad with oil and vinegar.

Waiter: Shall I bring all the food at once, gentlemen?

Grousbeck: That would be fine.

Kraft: But ... bring ... the ... scotch ... first.

(Awkward pause.)

Grousbeck: Trying to forget something, Bob? In any case, it's been a heck of a year for us. That Atlanta game last night made me especially proud. Our guys really have shown no signs of letting up and Doc has them as motivated as ever. It makes my job easy. The Garden is like a completely different place now. It's buzzing every night. Which reminds me . . .

(Grousbeck looks toward Jacobs.)

Jacobs: What?

Grousbeck: You're having a hell of a year!

Kraft: (Under his breath) It's ... a-bout ... freak-in' ... time.

Jacobs: Well, yes. It has been quite a story. I must give all of the credit to Peter Chiarelli and Claude Julien, in particular. I really do think we have the right men running our operation now. Cam, just in his presence, has made quite a difference, too. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can sit here with all of you and feel like I belong. Really, gentlemen, I feel like we're relevant again. The coach, in particular, has made such an enormous difference. (Looks at Grousbeck.) Think of it, young Wycliffe: Two years ago at this time, neither one of us could win a game, it seemed. The Garden was not a particularly entertaining place. Now, the very best defense in professional basketball and hockey is played right here in Boston, in the TD Banknorth Garden, and the home team usually wins as a result. Defense wins, men.

Kraft: Putting his head in hands.) That's ... ex-act-ly ... what ...wor-ries ... me.

Henry: Youth is important, too.

Jacobs: I agree, especially in our sport. Speed and energy are so important. To me, a lot of this goes back to last spring, to Games 5 and 6 against Montreal, when our guys really showed some fight. Even though we lost Game 7, I think that series meant a lot to us. Our guys learned something about our coach and they learned something about themselves. They showed up looking like a different team this year. I'm proud of them.

Grousbeck: You should be.

Kraft: Now all you have to do is win a playoff series. (Laughter.)

Grousbeck: What about you, John?

(As Henry starts to speak, the waiter returns with lunch and serves each man his meal. As the others start in on their meals, Henry takes a small bite of chicken, uses his napkin to dab the sides of his mouth, and is about to speak when Jacobs interrupts.)

Jacobs: Are you really going to spend $200 million on that guy? By the way, you're buying lunch.

Henry: (Chuckles uncomfortably.) You know the rules, Jerry. We don't kiss and tell. All I can tell you is that we have always believed in putting the best team on the field. I suppose this could make it more difficult for us to peddle that nonsense about unable to spend with the Yankees, but that's a small price to pay for a world championship. And as we all know now, championships are all that matter here.

Kraft: Tell ... me ... a-bout ... it.

Grousbeck: Is it true that television ratings were down last year, by as much as 20 percent?

Jacobs: Ours are up 30 percent!

Henry: Yes, it's true. I think it was about 19.8 percent, to be exact. We think Wyc's team had something to do with that. (Smiles at Grousbeck.) We also think that our team was growing a little stale in some ways, that we needed a transfusion of sorts. That's part of the reason we're trying to do something big -- that and the fact that we have to replace Manny's bat in the lineup.

Grousbeck: Between us in the club: Was he really that much of a pain in the butt?

Henry: Think of him as, say, Allen Iverson on his worst day. But instead of skipping practice, he skipped games.

Grousbeck: Oh my.

Henry: But the goofball sure can still hit.

Jacobs: See?! Superstars aren't worth it!

(Bored, Kraft glances at his watch and mutters something that sounds like "David Bleepin' Tyree.")

Henry: This much I know, gentlemen: We're in good shape going forward. Theo has done a marvelous job with our baseball operation to position us for the short term and the long. I can't promise more championships, but I can promise more excitement and entertainment. And if Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell had been healthy in October, we might have another one of those. (Points to Grousbeck's ring.)

Kraft: What-ev-er. ... If ... A-san-te ... had ... bet-ter ... hands ... I'd ... be ... look-ing ... for ... one ... for ... my ... thumb.

(Kraft glances at his watch again, informing the others he has a meeting in Foxborough. The others chuckle, needling Kraft that he should lobbied harder for a stadium downtown. The waiter returns with the check, which Grousbeck is saddled with as the result of being the only current title-holder at the table. The others thank Grousbeck.)

Grousbeck: Happy to do it, gentlemen. With any luck, I'll be treating again next year.

Kraft: Well ... it ... prob-ab-ly ... won't ... be ... me!

Henry: (Laughing.) If we win, I'll make sure I get Tom Werner to come!

(Kraft, Henry, Grousbeck and Jacobs shake hands and exchange pleasantries, then head for the door. Jacobs lingers behind, telling the others he must use the rest room. The Bruins owner then returns to the table and asks the waiter to pack him a doggy bag with the table's leftovers, which Jacobs plans to present to the Bruins coaching staff.)

Jacobs: I told them I'd buy them lunch.

(The waiter nods. Jacobs then scurries off and the waiter begins clearing the table.)

Waiter: Hey, wait a minute. Where did all the silverware go?

* * *

The Fab Four transcript is meant to be satirical. Any similarity to real events is purely coincidental. Honest.