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They've got mail

Posted by Eric Wilbur, Boston.com Staff October 14, 2008 09:33 AM

Today, we're taking time out to fire off a few e-mail missives after a three-day sports stretch that can best be classified as ... well, let's just be nice and go with "troubling."

To: dortiz@wheresmanny.com
CC: jellsbury@pinkhat.com, jvaritek@borasstillsaysImworth10milayear.com
bcc: dmagadan@hitman.net
Subject: Bat speed

Hey, David. Can't help but notice you suddenly have the bat speed of Jack Clark. The old one.

Maybe it's just some wild coincidence that you haven't homered now in 50 postseason at-bats, something that used to be darned near nonchalant for you, but we still need to point out that you, Jacoby, and Jason are now a perfect 0-for- ... hell, we lost count ... in this ALCS.

With Wakefield going tonight, Varitek will get the night off,, and the same is likely for Ellsbury, with Coco Crisp a better bet at this point. But you, you'll be back in your traditional No. 3 slot for Game 4 against the Rays. Here's a suggestion: Use the Wall. Since when do we try to pull every single offering into the bullpen? You've made it clear that you have lost some faith in the nightly lineup, sans Ramirez, but that still doesn't mean every at-bat has to result in a trip around the diamond. That Youkilis fella and that Jason Bay guy seem like they can handle their own.

It's never been like this. You step to the plate, and the air is taken out of Fenway Park. Confidence in you is at an all-time low, a prospect we thought we'd never have to face for at least another few productive years. Now, chalk it up to Manny being out west, or the injured wrist, which is obviously holding you back, but it is still evident that you weren't the same player all season, and you are certainly not the postseason player we've all grown accustomed to around here.

I guess the one positive is that the three of you are making that classic '95 Mo Vaughn-Jose Canseco 0-fer seem tame in comparison.

So, there's that.

********************************

To: mcassel@scottzolak.com
Subject: It's not your fault

It's not like we want to give Joey Porter credit for anything, but it's looking like the guy was right. You are no Tom Brady, a fault that is none of your own, and mostly that of your coach and organization, who were either too stubborn or too cheap to find a suitable, veteran backup to the league MVP. So, yes, you will likely be booed this weekend against Denver, at home, and face an uphill battle in the quest for the playoffs in a crowded AFC East. But you still deserve a hug. And hey, at the very least you can text ol' Carson and Leinart and ask them which one of them is starting this Sunday. Suckers.

********************************

To: jbeckett@$%^$^&&.com
Subject: Sure you're not hurt?

Dear Josh. Now, we ask this with all due respect seeing as the subject might make you a bit testy, but are you sure you don't want to use the excuse that maybe you're a bit injured? Because if you're not hurt, then the only other explanation for that Saturday night debacle in St. Pete was ... what? It's not just that it was your worst postseason start; it was the sort of start one might expect from the likes of Jason Johnson.

Coming into the series, the prevailing though was, if Josh Beckett isn't Josh Beckett, there's nothing the Sox can do to beat the Rays. Now, not only were you not you, Jon Lester wasn't Jon Lester. What kind of shot should Sox fans imagine they have now?

Your next start is Game 6, which could be the deciding game for the Rays. Would you imagine anyone ever saying they'd rather not see you in that situation? Oh, they're saying it.

********************************

To: FenwayFans@corporateAmerica.com
Subject: Um ...

You guys wanna make some noise, or what?

********************************

To: mramirez@fraud.com
Subject: Sorry

Hey, Manuel. Long time. Listen, we're really sorry that it looks like we're not going to have this little reunion we all had planned, but I'm sure you're broken up over the whole deal. It's too bad, really. The sorry sycophants you seem to have here were really looking forward to you beating the local nine. Hopefully the Yankees show interest next season, because it's a show we'd be thoroughly compelled to watch 19 times a year. Or, at least four or five times until you quit on them too.

********************************

To jnantz@cbs.com
Subject: Peyton Manning

Dude, just ask the guy out already, will ya?

********************************

To TBS@notfunnyatall.com
Subject: A suggestion

We're not going to get all annoyed about the continued prevalence of the ridiculous "Frank TV" ads, seeing as you knowingly mock yourself in wildly pretentious fashion over their omnipresence. However, may we ask the following: If the only news you have to deliver to me on your scrawl at the bottom of the screen is to tell me what exactly I am watching, is it necessary to inform me every other inning?

That is all. Oh, and Frank Caliendo's John McCain is horrendous.

OK, that is all.

26 comments so far...
  1. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe Mr. Ortiz has earned the right to be considered bulletproof.......................

    Posted by "04" calling October 14, 08 10:28 AM
  1. TBS is the worst advertising network in television. It's not just sports and Frank Caliendo. Even with some rag tv show that's beens in re-runs for 10 years, they'll have annoying pop-up ads in the middle of the show telling you the same thing you've seen 1,000 times before. TBS is becoming like NFL games - the commercials make it so unwatchable that you have to REALLY want to see watch in order to tune in. It's hard to casually watch TBS or a medicre NFL game.

    Posted by Mike October 14, 08 12:46 PM
  1. The Sox could use some quitters like Manny (and his .347 BA the last month in Red Sox) about now.
    BTW, I'm shocked that Boston sports writers are plugging the Sox front office spin about Manny quitting on the team. (LOL)

    Posted by Bert94114 October 14, 08 12:53 PM
  1. The only remnants of the 2004 team are Varitek, Timlin, Wakefield and Ortiz which speaks for the wisdom of Theo choosing to let go of the veterans. I thought David would continue to be productive but I think that we should continue to be supportive of him. However, I do agree with the "left field" comment. Yesterday, behind 5-0, with Pedroia on base and late in the game, David should have done anything to get on base including bunting to third base (which Pena did while they were ahead)! Instead, he delivers his now pathetic flyout to right. Let's look at the bright side; it's only 2-1. We've been in worse situations!

    Posted by Ted Santiago October 14, 08 12:59 PM
  1. Hi Bob, How's your whipping boy Dice K looking to you now?

    Posted by doug October 14, 08 12:59 PM
  1. TO: csager@tbs.com

    I guess TBS couldn't afford a producer, an intern, or SOMEBODY to tell you how ridiculous you look, night after night, in those loud suits. Is this the ALCS, or a re-run of Queer Eye for a Striaght Guy??

    Posted by Dave October 14, 08 01:01 PM
  1. Advertising?? - The TBS game announcers are so bad the last thing I'm going to complain about is the advertising!

    Posted by Kevon October 14, 08 01:04 PM
  1. I hate how Buck Martinez says "David OrrrrrrTiz."

    Posted by BostonRules October 14, 08 01:17 PM
  1. There's still plenty of room on the Bruins Bandwagon, folks. Get your seat early while they're cheap !! Of course, they won't see any adoration until they win a Stanley Cup or two with all the front-running fans around here.

    It's all gravy when the teams are winning but as soon as there's some controversy or - gasp! - a better team, it's all "Thanks for nothin', you bums.."

    I'm a New England/Boston fan and I just don't get the entitlement angle. "What kind of shot should Sox fans imagine they have now?" As if it's Fans first, Team second... I guess this is the average modern sports fan.


    Posted by Ed S. October 14, 08 01:31 PM
  1. ANd to TBS: How bout we stop playing Bon Jovi every other second already!

    Posted by JCZ October 14, 08 01:48 PM
  1. whoa whoa whoa- You cannot be making fun of craig sager's suits. apparantly you are not an nba guy...otherwise you wouldn't have the gall to call out The Man on his million dollar wardrobe.

    Posted by Jason October 14, 08 02:21 PM
  1. I agree with Ed S. The Sox don't look too good right now, and they might get bounced, but New England fans really can't cry about anything right now with the recent history of the Pats/Celtics/Sox. And who knows, remember what happened after a certain 19-8 loss a few years ago?

    Posted by LizSD October 14, 08 02:30 PM
  1. whats up with the booing of our captain? Tek has proven that he can get back to the swing of things,we just have to support him. Not act like a bunch of yankee fans booing arod!

    Posted by D.H.Phillips October 14, 08 02:38 PM
  1. 2 things:

    The fans are waaaaaaaay to quiet. It seems as if Sox games at home are now a place to be seen. Root for the team! If I see that front row behind home plate sitting down during key moments of the game one more time.........

    TBS coverage is horrendous. On a pick-off attempt, instead of cutting to a shot of 1st base, they cut to the stands. They come back late from commercials and are still getting in the promos and we miss the first pitch of an inning. Their announcers are just plain ridiculous. I never throught I'd say this, but I'd rather watch a game on Fox than TBS.

    Posted by Josh October 14, 08 02:47 PM
  1. Is it me ? Or does TBS have part ownership in the RAYS ? These announcers put Johnny Most to shame !!!!! When they are done with baseball they can switch over to the MSNBC, Chris and Keith version of unbias broadcasting !!!!

    Posted by tomh October 14, 08 02:47 PM
  1. Isn't it a little strange that Buck *MARTINEZ* is mispronouncing David Ortiz's name? This would be like me ordering a nish in a Jewish deli.

    Posted by josh October 14, 08 02:56 PM
  1. how many times do we have to have close up of the managers? In the LA, series, we saw a close up of Mike Scioscia and his bench coach at least 7-10 times an inning. I could careless about seeing the signs getting passed along to the catcher. They have continued this with the Rays, find a hot girl in the stands or something, i dont need to see a 65 year old guy every other minute

    Posted by Pat October 14, 08 03:46 PM
  1. I'll take the never-ending Frank TV ads over listening to McCarver any day !!

    Posted by PT October 14, 08 03:55 PM
  1. To: bmartinez@liftyou softpallet.com
    Subject: to-do list
    Dearest Buck,
    You might have had some great things to say during the last few games, but I wouldn’t know. You see, I’ve been going out to the bars, not because I want to get bombed necessarily (which for games 2 & 3 has been unavoidable), but because I can’t stand the sound of your voice. Your obnoxious nasal whine makes my ears bleed. So, please, do us all a favor and get yourself a BreatheRight strip, vocal coach or muzzle. If that doesn’t interest you, at least send the inventor of the ‘mute’ button a fruit basket. You owe him.

    Posted by Ti Mikkel October 14, 08 04:05 PM
  1. BostonRules at #8 - I completely agree. He sounds as if there might be some other Tiz he's referring to - and now he's got Ron Darling saying it too. But just be happy it's not FOX.

    Posted by DuhChief October 14, 08 04:29 PM
  1. Wakefield, thy time has come. You better bring your A game, because if you don't we're history - if you do, I believe the Sox will win the series.

    Think back to all those critical yet surprising pitching performances we've had in 04 and 07... Derek Lowe, Jon Lester, Dice-K, and even Wake himself.

    Let's have a little faith...tonight is a new night. It always starts 0-0.

    Posted by DCF October 14, 08 04:42 PM
  1. Wow, I'm stunned at the whiny, spoiled babies around here. Was it that long ago the Sox hadn't won in a century and had had never won... ever?
    Maybe Ortiz is in full decline... his body type makes for a steep, sudden fall. Maybe Tek too. But oh-by-the-way... I don't care. Papi, Schilling, Foulke, Tek... the all get a pass for life from me.
    Sox look kinda done, though. It's too bad-almost seemed like they might squeak into the Series on professionalism and experience alone, but when the top of the rotation gets rocked like no time in Sox post-season history, uh, no.

    Posted by Steve October 14, 08 04:50 PM
  1. Bert94114

    You are very funny! I was thinking the exact same thing. Globe reporter = pompous a--.

    Thanks!

    Posted by elccpa24 October 14, 08 05:13 PM
  1. The Cap'n should give back every cent he "earned" this year. Talk about automatic out... he can't even be relied on to catch the ball anymore! If I were him, I'd be embarrassed to accept ANY money whatsoever for his performance this season, let alone this post-season!! If the Sox re-sign him, I'm officially resigning my lifetime membership of Red Sox Nation. (That's 27 years and counting!)

    Posted by Chas October 14, 08 06:27 PM
  1. I'm going to ignore all the digs to our guys, and our fans, and just address the horrible TBS announcers. This is what I just wrote to TBS:

    "I'm appalled at the biased broadcasting I've seen for the last four days during the Boston vs. Tampa Bay games. I thought perhaps for the first two days it was because the game was being played at Tampa Bay that almost every comment was about the Rays, with an occasional derogatory remark about the Red Sox. But the remarks made during the two games in Boston have bordered on propaganda.

    Then, to show the 1986 Game 4 loss, *I thought* was the ultimate insult. Until just now, when Kevin Cash hit his first postseason home run. I turned the volume back on, because I mute your stinky announcers and only turn the volume back ON for the commercials. I saw Kevin Cash hit his home run, and turned the volume back on to hear what the announcers would say about THAT. What do I hear?? SILENCE!!!!!! Silence!!! and more SILENCE!! Until the silence is broken by the remark, "Tampa Bay Native Kevin Cash...." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You all ought to be completely ashamed of yourselves, and don't ever dare call yourselves newscasters in my hearing. Unplug your microphones and put yourselves out to pasture where you belong, you ignorami. And by the way, Jason Bay took the place of Manny Ramirez, not Julio Lugo, you blockheads."

    Posted by Lee Ann October 14, 08 09:19 PM
  1. To all the pink hats in the stands tonight who care more about being on TV then the fact that your team is on the brink of elimination... please don't come back as you embarrass all of us. It is close to the point where we may need to start rooting against the sox for a few years to get rid of the idiotic fans that now roam fenway.

    Posted by pat October 14, 08 10:37 PM
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