Wait ... is that guy staring at me? What does he want? (AP Photo)
Wait ... is that guy staring at me? What does he want? (AP Photo)

The sports world was shocked to learn that the Denver Broncos’ Wes Welker would be banned for four games by the NFL for violating the league’s policy on performance enhancing substances.

Unsubstantiated reports have emerged suggesting that Welker took the party drug molly that was cut with amphetamines, although the player has maintained that he does not take drugs of any kind. Remarks at a super-secret, highly exclusive press conference today attended by Boston.com has us thinking he may be protesting too much.

“OK, let’s get things rolling here, as I’m fiending to set the record straight, and I’m going to stand up here on this podium, and I’m not coming down until I make things crystal clear – I don’t care if it takes until the sun comes up. I would never knowingly take a substance to gain a competitive advantage in any way. I keep my body pure and uncut, even when I’m out there getting all lit up, game after game, twisting my joints, getting my head spun, whether it’s between the lines at Mile High Stadium, or back in New England at The Razor playing games in the snow. As anyone who has ever played with me, sat in a coaches’ meeting, going over the blow by blow of the game, tweaking the game plan, geeking out over the Xs and Os, will tell you, I have always remained hyper-focused on one thing, putting my nose to the grindstone, and going out there and crushing it up, week after week, year round pushing my body and mind until I’m practically numb. I don’t think I can be any clear-cut than that. Any questions?”

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Does the failed drug test possibly have anything to do with your recovery from recent concussions and injuries on the field?

“You’ve all seen some of the hits I’ve taken out there, whether the defense is in a dime package or a nickel, they can sling out some serious bumps and hits. Sometimes when I’m on a crisscross pattern, putting on the thrusters, just blazing, and Peyton is laying a zinger out for me across the middle, it’s like he’s throwing it on a rail. And it can get pretty cold out there. Sometimes you come off the field and your lips are all blue and you feel like your body is made of glass. But I keep plugging away.”

Do you feel like this will be a significant setback to the team’s chances going into the season?

“Sure, there are a lot of peaks and valleys that you come across in any season, and I’m depressed that I won’t be able to be out there, lighting a spark in the offense, but I’m just going to stay focused on climbing out of the hole, and thinking about that feeling of euphoria you get when you hear the crowd raving.”

Have you learned any lessons about the league’s drug policy that you weren’t aware of?

“This whole experience has been a real eye opener so far, and a lot of goofballs out there are offering up some crack-pot theories about me that make me want to gag. It’s enough to make a guy feel paranoid.”

What do you say to the kids who look up to you as a role model?

“I just want any youth football players and all sports fans to know, there are no shortcuts to success, there’s no gold dust you can sprinkle around like magic to skip the hard work it takes to climb to the top of the mountain.”

What are you going to do with your month off?

“I have worked my whole life to play at the highest level that I can, grinded it out day after day, night after night, and I have encountered many obstacles, been in a lot of traps, and been floored many times in my career, and this dry spell will be no different. You can’t keep me down. I’m never coming down.

OK, nothing else? We good? We sorted out here? You guys got the stuff? Great. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get the hell out of here. I think that guy in the back is looking at me funny, and it’s kind of freaking me out.”