BCS: Let's hear from the chair
The Bowl Championship Series is high-stakes musical chairs. (Thank goodness I already have dibs on the Barcalounger.) So on a Rivalry Saturday filled with BCS implications, why wouldn't I just sit back and soak it all in?
Here was my day, which, believe it or not, you will find remarkably similar to yours:
12:08 p.m.: ABC's Craig James, dismissing complaints about the BCS: "That's the system we live in right now." Hey, we revolted against the British for less.
12:15: Harvard-Yale is on WGN. You know, wearing those football helmets, they look just as stupid as the rest of us.
12:29: WGN's Kandace Krueger: "The history books say that Yale invented the tailgating concept." I thought the history books say that Yale invented old Eastern money.
1:03: If BCS criteria were used to decide the 1992 presidential election, Ross Perot would've won.
1:36: Michigan coach Lloyd Carr to ABC sideline reporter Todd Harris at halftime: "Why would you ask a dumb question like that?" It's his job.
3:03: CBS's Spencer Tillman, just before the LSU-Mississippi game: "Remember, the value of a player to his team is relative to his distance to the ball." I have it on my VCR.
3:04: Which reminds me of something CBS's Dan Dierdorf said last month during an NFL game: "My old college coach, Bo Schembechler, loved it when players kept the long axis of their body perpendicular to the goal line."
3:32: If I'm an Ohio State booster, the first thing I do is find out who scheduled a road game against a Top 10 team.
3:40: Every time I hear Keith Jackson's voice, I have an urge to put on a sweater.
3:46: I want to watch Oklahoma-Texas Tech on ESPN GamePlan, but I spent all my pay-per-view money on NHL Center Ice.
4:04: The main reason I'm in favor of a national championship playoff system is so that every time I turn on my car radio, I won't hear someone yelling about the need for a national championship playoff system.
4:38: A number of years ago, when I still had a full head of hair, a glint in my eye, and a hop to my step, I was very much bowl-eligible.
5:13: Mount Union of Ohio, Couch Slouch's personal favorite, starts its playoff bid for its fourth straight Division 3 title Saturday against Wisconsin-La Crosse. The Purple Raiders -- winners of 52 straight games -- ended the regular season with victories of 55-0, 55-7, and 58-0.
5:14: If you ask a Mount Union player where the campus library is, he'll walk you to it. If you ask an Oklahoma player where the campus library is, he'll answer, "There's a library on campus?"
5:52: Remember the good old days when the milkman would deliver a bottle of milk to your milk box on Tuesdays and Fridays? Rolling Rock should do that.
6:21: My father went to UCLA, so it pains me to say this: A BCS title game this season without USC would be like a Victoria's Secret gala without Heidi Klum.
6:25: I could've sworn Tim Brando was on the list of banned substances.
6:42: In the New York Times computer ranking of Greatest Artists of the 20th Century, Jackson Pollock is No. 4, one spot behind LeRoy Neiman.
6:50: If Michigan or Texas ends up going to the Sugar Bowl, it's possible sports talk radio will shout itself through the ozone layer.
6:56: Every time I look at the BCS formula, I am reminded of a prescription my doctor once wrote me for Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
7:02: I just glanced out my window and swear I saw Yanic Perreault skating by.
Ask the Slouch
Q. If the new NFL rules requiring you to retain possession if you fall out of bounds after making a catch had been around then, could you have had the judgment on your divorce overturned by replay? (Kevin Pelch, Raleigh, N.C.)
A. You can talk rules and replay all you want, but in the matter of Chad v. Chad I (District of Columbia Superior Court Case Docket No. 4896623-B), my ex-wife had all the indisputable visual evidence she needed.
Q. Can you explain how THG improves athletic performance? (Tom Umhoefer, La Crosse, Wis.)
A. THG is a designer steroid, similar in concept to Calvin Klein's latest line of relaxed-fit jeans. THG is an anabolic steroid that builds the athlete's body; Calvin Klein jeans feature a tapered leg for maximum body comfort. In both cases, performance is enhanced.
Q. Do you do the traditional turkey thing on Thanksgiving or do you go a more alternative route? (Nick Miller, Spokane, Wash.)
A. Usually, late in the Cowboys game, I microwave a Stouffer's Lean Cuisine Skillet Sensations Roasted Turkey entree while listening to my "Best of Toto" LP, then I go with a Klondike bar accompanied by NFL Films' Ice Bowl DVD. I'd call it traditional.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just e-mail asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25!
