Saints go marching, get kicked out

Good. You and your teammates can start making your vacation plans. There'll be no playoffs for the Saints.

Horn, the New Orleans receiver who put on an impromptu $30,000 audition for a cellphone endorsement deal after scoring a touchdown last week, was nowhere to be found when the Saints pulled off the most improbable long-distance dedication of the season yesterday.

Trailing, 20-13, with six seconds remaining in Jacksonville, New Orleans scored on a wacky, 75-yard pass-and-lateral dog-and-pony-show touchdown to pull within 20-19. On the play, six Saints touched the ball (not Horn, though, he was on the sideline nursing a sore shoulder and a dented checkbook).

Then came the easy part, right? After all, New Orleans employs John Carney, right? The same John Carney who had nailed 403 of his 408 extra-point attempts. That's a not-too-shabby 98.8 percent success rate over 14 years. He'd split the sticks on all 35 attempts this year and hadn't missed a 1-pointer since 1999.

After a lengthy video review of the Cal-beats-Stanford-like ending, Carney came on to send the game to overtime and keep alive the Saints' playoff hopes.

Reports that Al Czervic shouted, "Hey, Carney, 100 bucks says you slice it," from the sideline just before the attempt could not be confirmed as of press time.

But Carney did the unthinkable. He did his best Judge Smails impersonation and sliced his kick.

Goodbye overtime. Goodbye playoffs. Hello Bourbon Street.

"I just came out of the kick early and pushed it," Carney said. "This seems to be, as far as kickers are concerned, as bad as it gets."

Despondent coach Jim Haslett wouldn't argue. Earlier this season, Haslett told reporters he thought so highly of Carney, he'd trust him with his life. Reminded of that statement yesterday, Haslett quipped, "Then, I'd probably be dead right now."

Fear not, though. Haslett's alive and well. It's his job that may be on life support.

The game started with a moment almost as bizarre as the ending. Jacksonville quarterback Mark Brunell, making his last appearance at home, got a special introduction, was named team captain for the day, and went to midfield for the coin toss.

Then, for the 12th straight game, he went to the sideline, never removed his baseball cap, and got to watch as Byron Leftwich, the rookie that made him expendable, played quarterback.

I'm sure he'll always treasure that memory.

Well, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That being said, it appears Horn was either being paid homage or being ridiculed by some of his NFL brethren yesterday.

During his guest appearance on the "NFL Today," Patriots Pro Bowl defensive lineman Richard Seymour pulled his cellphone out and interrupted a segment to call his mom.

Also, after Houston's Corey Bradford scored a touchdown in a 27-24 loss to Tennessee, Texans teammate Steve McKinney ran to the goal post padding, lifted it, and pretended to look for a phone.

"It would have been a lot funnier if we had won," said McKinney.

Yeah, hilarious.

For more information -- and some inane chatting -- about the Saints, join John W. Henry and Curt Schilling at www.sinsofjoehorn.com.

Dolphins dunked

The Dolphins were sick of hearing about how soft they were. How they couldn't win in December. How they weren't tough enough to win on the road in cold weather. Finally, Dave Wannstedt's group had had enough. So yesterday they marched into Orchard Park, N.Y., and smacked around the Bills -- the defense sacked Drew Bledsoe six times, forced three fumbles, and had an interception -- to temporarily silence their critics. So what did the men of teal and orange get for their hard work? Bupkis. Miami will be a postseason spectator again because Denver, by virtue of its win over Indianapolis last night, eliminated the Dolphins from the wild-card chase. Both Wannstedt and his Buffalo counterpart, Gregg Williams, are on the hot seat . . . After Dallas's victory over the Giants, Cowboy coach Bill Parcells had some advice for lame-duck Giants coach Jim Fassel. The former coach of the Giants told the soon-to-be-former coach of the Giants "to evaluate the future very carefully." . . . Classy gesture by the Browns, who wore black-and-white No. 14 decals on their helmets to honor Hall of Fame quarterback Otto Graham, who died last week . . . Washington's Tim Hasselbeck had nowhere to go but up. After registering a quarterback rating of 0.0 last week, he started out yesterday's loss to the Bears by misfiring on his first six passes. It got better, however, as he righted the ship and completed 16 of his last 19 throws for 209 yards and a pair of scores. Final rating? 116.9. "If we get a win, I'd rather have stats like I had last week," Hasselbeck said. Tim's older brother, Matt, had a day he'd like to forget. The Seattle quarterback tore the labrum in his left, non-throwing, shoulder during the second quarter of a 28-10 victory over Arizona. He returned but twisted his right ankle, forcing him to miss the final 12 minutes. Neither injury was considered serious enough to prevent him from playing next week at San Francisco. "I think it's something I can deal with because it's my non-throwing shoulder," said Matt . . . 49ers receiver Terrell Owens broke his collarbone in San Francisco's big win over Philadelphia. No word on who'll help him carry around his enormous ego . . . Anybody else wondering why ESPN's Suzy Kolber couldn't just get into the holiday spirit and give Joe Namath his kiss?

Material from wire services was used in this report.