This backfield is in slow motion
When the phone rang, there was a mad dash. Dave Krieg pushed Warren Moon out of the way, which caused a loss of footing and there went Chris Chandler spilling over the coffee table.
''Put him on the IR again," said Dr. N. Croachment, who watched the medics come in and scoop up Chandler. It came in unison with Vinny Testaverde's screams of joy.
''I'm headed to the Jets," said Testaverde, who had hurdled Chandler's body and beaten Krieg to the phone. ''Yippeee. What a way to celebrate my 52d birthday."
Dr. N. Croachment sighed. He runs Offensive Specialists, a resort and spa where quarterbacks, running backs, and kickers live during the difficult transition years from football. Out of work, but not ready for retirement, these gridiron greats are able to keep in shape while they await job offers.
Again, another ring. This time it was the doctor's cellphone, a number every player personnel director has.
''Do you have any more Hasselbecks?" the voice asked the doctor.
''The best I can do is David Hasselhoff," said Dr. N. Croachment. ''He doesn't live here, but he lifeguards at the pool."
''I don't need right guards, left guards, or pulling guards, and I certainly don't need lifeguards. I need a quarterback."
''Well, Randall Cunningham's here, and assuming Moon didn't get hurt in that collision with Krieg and Chandler, he's ready to play. And so, too, is Wade Wilson. At least I think he is. There's also Mark Rypien or Rich Gannon."
Unimpressed, the man at the other end hung up and the doctor shrugged. Then, a secretary approached.
''Doctor, the Eagles are on Line 2. David Akers is down and out and Mark Simoneau apparently can't kick it out of his shadows. They want to know if Gary Anderson is here. Morten Andersen is their second choice."
''No, they're not. We have Andersen Windows, but no Andersen kickers. Nick Lowery and Pete Stoyanovich used to live here, but they're gone. I could see if Richie Cunningham is still around, though he may have moved in with Potsie or Ralph Malph."
The secretary left, then quickly returned. The Eagles didn't want Richie Cunningham; instead, they'd go with a youngster named Todd France.
''But in the meantime, Doctor, there's a man on the phone asking about running backs. And safeties. He needs one of each."
''Which team is he representing? And who got hurt?"
''I asked. He wouldn't give his name. He wouldn't tell me the team he was with. When I asked about injuries, he got all upset, said there was no one hurt and he couldn't understand why anyone thought there was anyone hurt. He said, 'Just because the stretchers and ambulances were out there doesn't mean there was an injury.' He claims he'd talk about injuries if there were any that he knew of, but he said over and over, 'I'm not a doctor.' "
''Must be Belichick," said the doctor, shaking his head. ''Anyway, tell 'em our list of running backs is thin and we don't have any safeties here. Tell him to call Defensive Specialists. It's a resort 5 miles up the road. I think Ronnie Lott may still live there."
The games
San Diego at New England (-5 1/2) -- At some point during the game, the Patriots have to give San Diego an extra 52 seconds. It's a delayed call from a week ago. Pick: Chargers.
Detroit at Tampa Bay (-6 1/2) -- Carnell Williams broke Alan Ameche's record for most yards by a rookie running back in the first three games. Talk about vivid proof that times have changed. Williams promotes himself as ''Cadillac." Out of profound respect, they called Ameche ''The Horse." Pick: Bucs.
Indianapolis (-7) at Tennessee -- Two touchdown passes in three games? There are 21 quarterbacks with more than that. Man, if Larry Brown does take the Colts job -- and we hear he's in the running -- he'll ship Peyton Manning out of town. Pick: Colts.
Denver at Jacksonville (-4) -- Ian Eagle and Solomon Wilcots will be the TV announcers. But if I told you their names were Eagle Solomon and Ian Wilcots, could you prove me wrong? Pick: Broncos.
Minnesota at Atlanta (-6) -- To open up a roster spot for wide receiver Jerome Pathon, the Falcons placed defensive lineman Junior Glymph on their practice squad. If they had moved Senior Glymph to the practice squad, it would have opened up two roster spots. Pick: Falcons.
Dallas at Oakland (-3) -- Alas, neither one of these teams has a Glymph, which sort of takes away the fun. Pick: Cowboys.
New York Jets at Baltimore (-7) -- In another era, a guy named Brooks playing in Baltimore in the fall would be pure romance. But Brooks Bollinger? Sounds like a wine, or some preppie who summers in the Hamptons. Pick: Ravens.
Houston at Cincinnati (-9 1/2) -- The Bengals will win, but enough of that. Every time Houston plays, I look at Dom Capers and think of those salty, pickled buds that add zest to certain dishes. The caper, as most of us know, comes from the shrub Capparis spinosa, and it is especially delicious with rich meats and fish. Pick: Bengals.
St. Louis at New York Giants (-3) -- How about that Giants-Chargers game last Sunday? There were 909 total yards. They had to use two sets of chains and three different crews to keep up with the mileage. Pick: Giants.
Seattle at Washington (-2) -- The Redskins are 2-0? As in undefeated? That's getting a lot done with very few resources, which is the opposite of how things usually are done in our nation's capital. Pick: Seahawks.
Philadelphia at Kansas City (-2) -- Go ahead, you Eagles, let Todd France do your kicking. As for those postgame meals, may I suggest Todd English? Pick: Chiefs.
Buffalo vs. New Orleans (pick) -- This game is in San Antonio. For goal posts, they'll use David Robinson at one end, Tim Duncan at the other. Pick: Saints.
San Francisco vs. Arizona (-2 1/2) -- This game is in Mexico City. For the NFL's first regular-season game outside the United States, we export 49ers-Cardinals. How to make great first impressions. Pick: 49ers.
Green Bay at Carolina (-7 1/2) -- Another ''Monday Night Football" extravaganza and that means Sam Ryan as sideline reporter. Maybe that boy named Sue is her brother. Pick: Packers.
Last week: 6-8
Season record: 18-26-1
