Swear to God, some players have no clue
Richie Incognito (and right away you have to be suspicious of a guy with that name; I mean, who is he, really?) nearly cost the Rams their first win last week by not knowing the rules. Shameful. His team was lining up for a 34-yard field goal attempt when Incognito, or whoever he really is, said some very bad things to the referee about the methodical pace at which the Redskins were getting into position.
Next thing you know, a flag fluttered to the sod and the Rams were pushed back 15 yards.
"I didn't know there was a rule for cussing," Incognito said. He refused to divulge his real name, which leads us to believe he's from Parts Unknown, maybe even friends with the Ultimate Warrior of WWF fame, but the greater point is this - everyone knows there's no cussing in football. Walter Camp didn't approve of it, nor did Pop Warner. You have a problem with the other team, you simply approach the referee and say, "Mr. Official, the big guy over there, No. 74, he's doing bad things. Can you ask him to stop?"
Just like that, the problem would be halted. No worries, no cussing.
But because Incognito took matters into his own hand, kicker Josh Brown had to attempt the field goal from 49 yards, but Brown made good on the longer kick to assure victory.
Warm tingles all around, but the naughty words by Incognito confirmed suspicions that players just don't pay attention to the rules.
For example, the silly Dolphins who gathered in the end zone a few weeks ago to do the "Cupid Shuffle." They were fined - as they should have been. First of all, there were three of them and that falls under the heading of being choreographed and the NFL rule book clearly states there's "no crying, no cussing, no choreographing."
And don't get me started on San Francisco coach Mike Nolan throwing the challenge flag to ask for a review of a Philadelphia field goal. This is what the guy gets for wearing a suit and tie like he's Vince Lombardi. He's obviously got the knot too tight because the kick traveled over the uprights and that gets us into the "Phil Dawson rule," and if Nolan doesn't know about the "Phil Dawson rule," well, he probably doesn't know you can't cuss and you can't call two timeouts in a row, which is something that everyone knows - except for Joe Gibbs, of course, which is why he's back figuring out the rules against magnetic shims.
That, of course, is another matter for another day. For now, I'm going to research this "Phil Dawson rule" and determine who it is named after.
The picks
Denver at New England (-3) - You have to figure Brandon Marshall will run a variety of routes - deep, deeper, and as far as he can run. Pick: Broncos.
Indianapolis (-1) at Green Bay - The Colts tried to make a deal for Buffalo defensive tackle John McCargo, but he failed his physical. The Bills are willing to part with McCargo because he's considered "undersized." At 6 feet 2 inches and 307 pounds, McCargo is indeed undersized - if compared to the Himalayas. Pick: Colts.
Dallas (no line) at St. Louis - When Washington offensive lineman Pete Kendall caught a deflected pass and tried to run with it last week, the Rams' Oshiomogho Atogwe made a brilliant play, stripping the ball loose, then taking it away and in for a touchdown. His brothers, Oshigoshi and Oshigoochi, were thrilled. Pick: Cowboys (whether Tony Romo plays or not).
San Diego at Buffalo (-1) - Did you survey the picture we got each time NBC went to a commercial in last Sunday night's game? Conveniently, it always featured a bodacious Chargers cheerleader who was . . . well, let's just say it was the first time in NFL television history that going to a break in the action was rated R. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Pick: Bills.
Minnesota at Chicago (-3) - Officials at TBS have confirmed there really is no "Frank TV." They just like showing the promos 174 times an hour. Pick: Bears.
Detroit at Houston (-9 1/2) - Dan Orlovsky cost the Lions a possible win last week when he ran out of bounds on a rollout in his end zone. OK, he deserves another chance, but hopefully Lions coaches explained to him that this rouge business isn't applicable in the NFL, only in the CFL. Pick: Texans.
New Orleans at Carolina (-3) - His team having been thoroughly outplayed at Tampa Bay last Sunday, Carolina coach John Fox said, "We've got this day to admit mistakes, correct mistakes, and then hopefully not let them happen again." Players then sat on couches and talked things out with Dr. Phil, Larry King, and Sally Jessy Raphael. Pick: Saints.
Tennessee (-8) at Kansas City - Seeing how some of life's golden rules have not been amended in some time, let us address some updates. Real men do eat quiche, but they don't drive cars equipped with GPS. That's the same as asking for directions. Pick: Chiefs.
NY Jets (-3) at Oakland - Not for nothing, but economists are saluting the move by NBA commissioner David Stern. He issued pink slips to 9 percent of the NBA workforce, but did not reduce his salary by one penny, nor did he put a dent in the Knicks' $99,368,505 payroll. It has nothing to do with football, of course, but then again, what do the Raiders have to do with football? Pick: Raiders.
Pittsburgh (-9 1/2) at Cincinnati - Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, an Ohio native, is 10-0 in NFL games played in his native state. That could be crucial information, but I'm waiting for an NFL official to confirm that this game is not in Cincinnati, Iowa. Pick: Bengals.
Baltimore at Miami (-3) - Crushing news, don't you think, about Madonna and Guy Ritchie? Or is it Ritchie Guy? Either way, who would have thought? Pick: Dolphins.
San Francisco at NY Giants (-10 1/2) - Center Shaun O'Hara has an infected small toe and quarterback Eli Manning has a bruised chest. Coach Tom Coughlin is so secretive he wouldn't say which toe for O'Hara, so why bother asking him if it was Manning's hope chest, Bombay chest, or cedar chest. Pick: Giants.
Cleveland at Washington (-7 1/2) - The Browns did not have to punt last week. While we're on the subject of punting, the Redskins cut Durant Brooks and replaced him with Ryan Plackemeier. What? You want more kicking news? Well, how about Bosnia and Herzegovina 4, Armenia 1, in World Cup qualifying. Shrewdly, I had Bosnia and Herzegovina giving 1 1/2. Pick: Browns.
Seattle at Tampa Bay (-10 1/2) - The Bucs will face a Seahawks offense led by quarterback Seneca Wallace and that frightens Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden. "When he's played, he's played good. Real creative guy, great athlete. He's a very good competitor, good passer, and he can run. He's a good player." Imagine what sort of praise he'd be heaping on Wallace if the guy had actually done anything positive in his NFL career. Pick: Bucs.
Last week: 6-8.
Season: 39-45-3. 