Scare tactics: Horror stories are everywhere

Chucky may be one frightening toy. But here's an even scarier thought: Was he modeled after Tampa Bay's Jon Gruden? The Bucs' coach is in denial. (GLOBE FILE PHOTOS)

Happy Halloween, everybody.

It's the scariest night of the year. Unless you live in Detroit or Cincinnati, in which case you've been living in fear for years. Certainly there aren't any ghosts and/or goblins showing up on doorsteps tonight that will startle the citizens of these burgs. Not after watching the Lions and Bengals for the last eight weeks. Or eight years.

Come to think of it, some of the most original costumes have been worn in Detroit.

Remember the paper bags with the pictures of Matt Millen and "Fire Me" written on the front? Classic stuff.

Then there was 2005 first-round pick Mike Williams, who masqueraded as a wide receiver for a couple of years in Motown before everyone caught on.

So, as you get little Bill into his Tom Brady outfit or little Susie into her Gisele Bundchen getup tonight, don't fret over the state of the local team.

Hey, we've got it better than most. We could live in Seattle, San Francisco, or Kansas City. Not only do their football teams stink, their baseball teams are wretched, too.

Truly scary.

And finally, some tips for giving out the treats. Go with Reese's Cups over Twizzlers; Junior Mints are better than Kit Kats; and Mounds kicks butt on Almond Joy. One more thing, don't get fooled by the mini "fun size" bars. There's nothing fun about them. Kids want the big ones.

Trick or treat.

The picks
New England at Indianapolis (-6) - I have a feeling Peyton Manning is about to break out. He could end up carving up this torn and tattered secondary the way Freddy Krueger attacked his victims while they slept. Then again, maybe Ellis Hobbs will wake up just in time to cover somebody. May we suggest Reggie Wayne? Pick: Patriots.

Atlanta (-3) at Oakland - Speaking of scary, my 10-year-old wanted to go trick or treating as Al Davis. After taking the costume out for a test run earlier in the week, he was served with a cease-and-desist order by some guy with an eye patch. We're going with the werewolf costume instead. Pick: Raiders.

Philadelphia (-6 1/2) at Seattle - Those Mike Holmgren masks are flying off the shelves at iPartys across the Pacific Northwest. They're not that scary but they are a great bargain because you can use them again next year as a Craig Stadler mask. Pick: Eagles.

Baltimore at Cleveland (-1 1/2) - Several Ravens beat reporters confirmed this week they are unaffected by all the hubbub surrounding All Hallows' Eve. They've lived through countless Brian Billick press conferences, and according to one veteran wag, "There's really nothing more frightening." Pick: Browns.

Tampa Bay (-8 1/2) at Kansas City - Hands down the most underrated horror picture of all time is "Child's Play." What's more adorable than a knife-wielding psychotic doll in overalls who can swear like a truck driver? Jon Gruden swears he doesn't see the resemblance to Chucky and has yet to see a dime in residuals. Pick: Buccaneers.

NY Jets at Buffalo (-5 1/2) - Former NFL star Burger King is a popular disguise this year. Of all his highlights, I like the one when he jumped the route, picked off ex-Bills star Drew Bledsoe, and returned it for a touchdown. Now we know where Deion Sanders learned how to dance. Pick: Bills.

Arizona (-3) at St. Louis - The Rams just aren't really that scary without Steven Jackson. It's like watching "Jaws," but instead of a great white crashing to the surface, out pops "Flipper." You know he's kind of cute and all, but there's no bite there. Pick: Rams.

Detroit at Chicago (-12 1/2) - Rumor has it Superman is wearing a Brian Urlacher costume tonight. Reached late last night for comment, Urlacher said, "That's pretty cool but I'm wearing a Lance Briggs outfit. He's the baddest dude I know." Pick: Lions.

Houston at Minnesota (-4 1/2) - The Purple People Eaters. Now that's a costume idea. You get these gigantic, fire-breathing, snot-blowing guys and dress them in purple shirts and helmets. Or you could just dress up like Kevin and Pat Williams. Pick: Vikings.

Green Bay at Tennessee (-5 1/2) - "Urban Legend." That was another pretty good scary movie that flew under the radar screen. Remember the urban legend about the aging Super Bowl hero who played in the small Wisconsin hamlet, then retired before coming back to haunt the NFL in a Jets uniform? Yeah, that one scared me, too. Pick: Packers.

Jacksonville (-7 1/2) at Cincinnati - Anyone else think it's purely coincidental that the Bengals have lost every game since terminating the contract of veteran defensive lineman Michael Myers back in August? Yeah, me neither. Pick: Jaguars.

Miami at Denver (-3 1/2) - Dolphins boss Bill Parcells was asked recently to name the worst horror flick he ever saw and he quickly snapped, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." He was referring to the 2004 remake starring Vinny "Leatherface" Testaverde, who led the 6-10 Cowboys with 20 interceptions while being sacked 34 times. Pick: Broncos.

Dallas at NY Giants (-9) - Madison Hedgecock is my favorite Giant. Not for his bruising blocks. It's his intimidating family history. I mean, his great-grandfather Alfred is one the Giants of the thriller genre. A lot of people love "Psycho," but I'll take "Dial M for Murder" any day. Pick: Giants.

Pittsburgh at Washington (-2) - What would Halloween be without a mention of Jason. No, no, not Jason Voorhees of the "Friday the 13th" series. We're talking Jason Campbell, who is disguising himself as a frighteningly effective NFL quarterback this season. Pick: Redskins.

Last week: 6-7-1.

Season: 54-58-4.