How 'bout them Cowboys fans?

Three hours of birthday boy Bob Barker and the ''Big Wheel'' would be better than three minutes of Seahawks-Rams. (2004 FILE/CLIFF LIPSON/CBS)

Unfortunately, most of us have Cowboys fans in our lives.

I ran into my first during my freshman year of high school. We'll call him "Ken" because his name was Ken. He was the ultimate bandwagon guy.

Ken loved the Cowboys, the Yankees, the Canadiens, and the Lakers. The kid was a glutton for punishment. He was practically begging to have his lunch money beaten out of him every day. Mind you, Ken couldn't tell the difference between the shotgun and a smoking gun, he just knew that the Cowboys usually won, so that was his team. Ken is also the answer to that trivia question, "Who bought the lone Danny White replica jersey ever purchased?"

Like Yankee devotees, most phantom Cowboy fans are still clinging to - and living off - memories of retired stars, and have yet to realize that Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin have left Irving and moved on to Canton. If your particular Cowboys fan is a little older, you might hear him waxing philosophic about the golden days of Staubach, Dorsett, and Too Tall Jones.

This can get particularly annoying around the holidays. Especially when Uncle Herb shows up in his long wool coat and officially licensed Tom Landry fedora. It gets really insufferable when he takes his coat off to reveal his faded Hollywood Henderson jersey. "He was so underappreciated," Herb says year after year. "I'll take Hollywood over Lawrence Taylor any day."

This year I got Uncle Herb in the family Secret Santa. Holy Bill Bates! What was I going to get this guy? In previous years, Uncle Herb received a Bob Lilly cleat, a Dandy Don Meredith bobblehead, and a Mel Renfro throwback. I was at my wits' end.

Luckily, I got in on the recent online auction of Texas Stadium memorabilia. With the stadium set to close after this season, this was a chance for suckers, I mean Cowboys fans, to own a piece of the Lone Star State's signature franchise.

Among the items for sale: urinals, lockers, flags, the Cowboys helmet golf cart (which sold for $12,500), and the stars that lined the field. My personal favorite was the door to the Cowboys cheerleaders' dressing room. My bid of $100 got edged out by "Ken from Malden," who won it with a $5,050 offer.

As for Uncle Herb, he can look forward to a brand new used . . . oh, wait, I can't say. Herb's a loyal reader, can't ruin the surprise.

The picks
New England (-7) at Oakland - Bill Belichick trolling the sideline for the Silver and Black? That's a pretty scary thought for Patriot Nation. Thank goodness Al Davis settled for Joe Bugel. Davis probably didn't have much room left on the mantel for three additional Lombardi Trophies. Pick: Patriots.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-3) - How about those New Orleans Buccaneers throwbacks the Hornets wore Wednesday against the Bobcats? Pretty sweet. Too bad Chris Paul can't play tailback. Pick: Buccaneers.

Washington (-7) at Cincinnati - I swear I saw Jim Zorn mouth, "What down is it?" during the big Beltway Battle last week. I had the answer. It was the down where you call a play for Clinton Portis. Pick: Redskins.

Detroit at Indianapolis (-17) - I have to admit, I love Rod Marinelli. After last week's loss, the embattled Lions coach said of his winless team, "I believe in the invisible. I think you go on and have faith in what you do. If you don't have it, you're nothing. You're not a man." I haven't the slightest clue what he means, but I love him. Pick: Lions.

San Diego (-5) at Kansas City - Kansas City's nice and all, but when I'm enjoying a free steak dinner with the Giuffrida family at the Hilltop, I prefer Sioux City. Pick: Chargers.

Denver at Carolina (-7 1/2) - After losing six tailbacks to injuries this season, the Broncos are getting desperate. This week they had Gavin Grey in for a workout. They have yet to come to terms. Pick: Broncos.

Green Bay (-2 1/2) at Jacksonville - Just a quick flashback to last week's picks: I had no idea how devoted fans of Bea Arthur can be. Adrienne Barbeau's strongly worded e-mail was just plain hurtful. Pick: Packers.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-2) - Anyone else get the feeling the winner of this game is going to the Super Bowl? Pick: Ravens.

Tennessee (-3) at Houston - If you're an Oilers fan, whom do you root for today? I'm old school (and a big Bum Phillips fan), so I'm going with the Titans. Also because they're 12-1. Pick: Titans.

Seattle at St. Louis (no line) - Happy 85th birthday, Bob Barker. I'd rather watch three hours of reruns of "The Price is Right" than three minutes of this game. Pick: Seahawks.

San Francisco at Miami (-6 1/2) - It's also Ronnie Brown's 27th birthday! There's no truth to the rumor he's having a combined party with Mayim Bialik. "Blossom" turns 33 today. Pick: Dolphins.

Buffalo at NY Jets (-7 1/2) - Brett Favre is confident the Jets will make the playoffs. He just has to convince the fandom. If the Jets are behind in the fourth quarter, it's going to get ugly in the Meadowlands. Pick: Jets.

Minnesota at Arizona (no line) - When you peeked at the schedule in August, there's no way you thought this game would be between a pair of first-place teams. Pick: Cardinals.

NY Giants at Dallas (-3) - Uncle Herb swears the Cowboys will bounce back from Sunday's crushing loss to the Steelers. I bet him the latest Jessica Simpson album that he's wrong. Pick: Giants.

Cleveland at Philadelphia (-14) - Romeo Crennel, defensive coordinator at Notre Dame. I like the sound of that. Pick: Eagles.

Last week: 11-5.

Season: 101-103-4.