Forming Houston return team

That's where I come in. I'm the guy in charge of the Patriots' "other" Houston project. While we're in town, I've agreed to prepare a Houston Super Bowl file for the Patriot front office. It's the least I can do in appreciation for all those fine breakfasts Bob Kraft has treated me to through the years.

In case you're not paying attention, the Super Bowl is in Houston this year. That means the Patriots are being given a rare opportunity to scope out the site of this year's ultimate game -- a game that will certainly include New England as the AFC representative.

Other Patriot Super Bowl teams didn't have the same preview. New England made it to the big game in 1986, '97, and 2002. All three were played at the New Orleans Superdome, but the Patriots didn't travel to the Big Easy to play the Saints in any of those seasons.

This year the game is in Houston ("too close to New Orleans" the Grateful Dead reminded us in "Truckin' ") and the Patriots today will be able to test the turf of Reliant Stadium almost 2 1/2 months before they return here for Super Bowl XXXVIII.

It's pretty clear by now that the Patriots won't have to travel to any other playoff games. Everything is going New England's way and we fully expect a first-round bye, followed by two home games before the Super Bowl. Kansas City will wind up losing three times and the Patriots will run the table, earning home field over Indianapolis and Tennessee.

This afternoon, it will be helpful for Tom Brady and Co. to familiarize themselves with the acoustics of the new stadium, as well as the playing surface, the locker room, and all the other specific dimensions of the place where they'll play for the championship. Reliant Field will seat 72,000 for the Super Bowl and a retractable roof will assure that weather is no factor.

My job is to take care of the "other" stuff, like where the team will stay, where to go for dinner, and where to hang out during that interminable wait for the Big Game. The Patriots and their fans by now are pretty familiar with all New Orleans has to offer and we want the Houston experience to be equally fulfilling and successful. Since there are two weeks between the AFC Championship game (Jan. 18 at Gillette) and the Feb. 1 Super Bowl, the Patriots and their fans will have a lot of time in Houston, making our file even more valuable.

One of the beauties of Houston is that urban sprawl was practically invented here. You can drive for a couple of hours and still be within the city limits. The Houston Consolidated Metropolitan Statistical Area covers 7,705 square miles, which is larger than New Jersey and only slighter smaller than Massachusetts.

Perfect. This means that Belichick should be able to find a hotel far from every temptation known to man. Belichick hates distractions and Houston will be an easier place to keep the fellas out of trouble. I'm suggesting a hotel near death row in Huntsville, about 70 miles from town.

There's no longer a Velvet Elvis nightclub. Roger Clemens got into a jam there a few years ago, but it looks as if there'll be no flying Elvises at the Velvet Elvis. There are strip clubs, however. Charles Barkley has said that Houston has the finest Gentlemen's Clubs in America.

Based on just a few hours here (the Super Bowl host committee left a really neat SB XXXVIII commemorative gift in my hotel room), it's clear Harris County is ready for the late January return of the New England football team and all of Patriot Nation. There are 11,000 restaurants. Bayou Place has revitalized the downtown district. There's also a 17-block theater district, not to mention the largest rodeo in the world, which attracts more than 1.8 million visitors per year. You might also find a couple of mechanical bulls, like the one featured in John Travolta's classic, "Urban Cowboy." Alas, Gilley's of "Urban Cowboy" fame went out of business.

Day trips to the Six Flags AstroWorld and the NASA Space Center are guaranteed to raise a smile. Bob Neumeier and friends might want to visit Gulf Greyhound Park or Sam Houston Racetrack.

New England sports teams have enjoyed success here. Larry Bird won his first NBA championship with the Celtics in Houston in May 1981. Five years later, Jerry Sichting tackled Ralph Sampson in another NBA Finals series won by the Celtics. In 1986, young Clemens copped the All-Star MVP Award with three perfect innings in the Astrodome. The Patriots also enjoyed some success against the Houston Oilers, an original AFL blood brother. However, we must remind you that Jimy Williams and Jeff Bagwell are a couple of onetime Sox who now work at Minute Maid Park.

The bad news is that there's a lot of traffic, rain, and air pollution. Worse than Boston. But the Patriots won't be complaining. They can't wait to come back here and I promise to have my files ready in plenty of time for SB XXXVIII.

Houston? We have no problem.

Dan Shaughnessy is a Globe columnist. His e-mail address is dshaughnessy@globe.com.