Tryout, Belichick share quality hang time

The tryout was scheduled at a top-secret football field built in the woods of Maine (the better to see how one performs in adverse winter weather). It was an easy commute -- or so I thought before getting stuck for five hours on the Southeast Expressway.

Which is when I got on the cellphone and pleaded with coach Bill Belichick for sympathy.

"I'm stuck in horrific traffic," I said.

"I'm stuck without a punter and an IR list longer than a Hank Kuehne drive," he said coldheartedly.

"I can do the job. Give me a chance. I can kick it more than 18 yards," I said.

"My neighbor's daughter can kick it more than 18 yards," he said, and I'm sure he had a scowl on his face.

He asked about my hang time and I told him it was hard to tell because it's been cold outside and I've mostly been punting in my basement and I only have 7-foot ceilings. He didn't seem to like my answer, but I didn't dwell on that because I told him I wasn't afraid to get into the action (though, like most kickers, I would probably hide behind a bunch of bigger guys and say my prayers that someone else would make the tackle). "Would you be able to hold?" he asked.

"Hold?" I said, hardly able to hide my quizzical tone.

"For Vinatieri. Do you have experience as a holder?"

"What would I be holding? His wallet? His helmet? His warmup jacket?"

And with that, Coach Belichick growled and mumbled something about wanting to have nothing to do with me. Which was fine with me. Driving in Boston traffic was enough of a headache.

Let Brooks Barnard have the punting job.

The picks

Miami at New England (-3) -- You are secretly worried about the punting game. You are secretly worried about two straight weeks of Tom Brady's late-game mishaps. You are secretly worried about the weather and that perhaps the Dolphins, for once, will figure out how to win a December game. Not me. I am openly worried about Deion Branch. That touchdown dance worked for Belushi in "Animal House," but not for him. Someone needs to get him some dance lessons before he hurts himself. Pick: Patriots.

Oakland at Pittsburgh (-5) -- Raider coach Bill Callahan, his team now 3-9, moaned, "We've got to be the dumbest team in America in terms of playing the game." Coach, it's called playing to your audience -- or haven't you seen those folks who go to your home games? Pick: Steelers.

Seattle at Minnesota (-1 1/2) -- The Seahawks are 7-0 at home, 1-4 on the road. "If you can deal with the noise and you can deal with not having your own pillow or blankie, then you should be able to play the game," snarled Seattle coach Mike Holmgren. I was shocked. I never knew NFL guys traveled without their blankies. Pick: Vikings.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-1 1/2) -- Not only have the Bucs stumbled badly, but they have released linebacker Vinny Ciurciu. To those of us who admire symmetry in a name -- and Ciurciu oozes with symmetry -- that's a crushing blow. Pick: Saints.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (-3 1/2) -- Colts kicker Mike Vanderjagt has converted 32 consecutive field goals. Of course, catching up to Bethel Johnson is another matter entirely. Pick: Titans.

Houston at Jacksonville (OFF) -- The Texans are 3-4 in their last seven, with the average point difference in those games a mere 4.8. The Jaguars are 2-5 in their last seven, with the difference a mere 8 points. Now, what you do with that information is between you and your accountant. Pick: Texans.

Chicago at Green Bay (-7) -- Health experts are alarmed and they've warned Packer fans about wearing those cheesehead hats in bitter cold weather. Apparently, the hats can freeze permanently to your head if you are not careful. Pick: Packers.

Washington at NY Giants (-3) -- Did you catch that exchange between Boomer Esiason and Deion Sanders last Sunday, the one where they argued the moral merits of accusations made in a book by Lawrence Taylor? Lincoln-Douglas it wasn't. In fact, Tommy and Chuckie from the Rugrats have had more compelling conversations. Pick: Redskins.

Cincinnati at Baltimore (-3 1/2) -- You think the Lawrence Taylor book caused waves? Just wait until the Ray Lewis book comes out. Pick: Ravens.

San Diego at Detroit (-3) -- As for the Barry Sanders book, I think I'll wait for the movie -- and then skip it. Pick: Lions.

Kansas City at Denver (-2 1/2) -- At 11-1, one would assume the Chiefs can start prepping for the playoffs, but hold on there, said coach Dick Vermeil. "We haven't made [the playoffs] yet," he said. "Normally, when you win 11 games, you've made the playoffs. But in the AFC this year, it's a little bit tougher." Coach, I have a bulletin for you -- you're in the playoffs. An 11-win team hasn't been left out since 1985 (Denver, coincidentally). Just which AFC are you looking at? Pick: Broncos.

NY Jets at Buffalo (-3) -- I don't want to say that Drew Bledsoe was knocked silly last week, but when he got to the sideline, he told folks he was Joe Ferguson. Pick: Jets.

Arizona at San Francisco (-10) -- Last week, the Cardinals went three-and-out or turned the ball over on 10 of 18 possessions. Against Chicago, no less. "We are stinking up the whole state of Arizona," said running back Emmitt Smith. So this week, the Cardinals get to stink up the northern end of California. Pick: 49ers.

Carolina (-1) at Atlanta -- Michael Vick is ready to return, having not started for the Falcons since Norm Van Brocklin was coach. Pick: Falcons.

Dallas at Philadelphia (-5 1/2) -- The Eagles are 25-5 in November and December since the 2000 season. It's January that has caused a problem, but that will change soon enough. Pick: Eagles.

St. Louis (-4) at Cleveland -- Which mother in the Cleveland area will be more proud? The one whose son is shown on national TV wearing a dog face? Or the one whose son is shown on national TV wearing a Santa Claus outfit? Pick: Rams.

Last week: 7-9, and while it's not great, it could get me into the Division 17 playoffs in next year's MIAA football format.

Season: 97-85-9, and it could be time for the dreaded prevent defense.